Post # 1
I went through a breakup about 3 months ago with a guy I was dating for about 7 months. I was really depressed for about a month but really wanted to get back out there so I’ve been trying some dating apps here and there and have gone on a few dates.
Most of the guys I’ve gone out with have been not great and I wasn’t really interested in them so we just never really followed up or when they texted me I told them I didn’t think we were a good match, etc.
so I went on a date a little over week ago with a guy and I thought he was great! He was really nice and easy to talk to and has a really interesting life story. It seems like we want a lot of the same things as far as marriage, kids, from some of our convos. He’s been super consistent with following up after the date and making plans to see me again so I can tell he’s into me. We’ve been out 3 times, last night was the most recent time and we ended up having sex. It was fantastic, best sex I’ve had in a long time.
The only thing is – I still am not sure how into it I am and it might be because I don’t find him as physically attractive as I have to other boyfriends in the past. However – I am not the best judge of character. I tend to always date really good looking guys who are basically overgrown frat boys with commitment issues who don’t take relationships seriously… but… they’re fun! This guy is smart, nice, more of a homebody than a partier. Unfortunately that is not what I’m attracted to – but I know me being attracted to “bad boys” has always never worked out!! So my question is – has anyone been out with someone that was a great guy but not their normal type and have it grow? I don’t want to just end it with him bc I’m not feeling sparks right away… but at the same time, is it worth it to go on a few more dates?
Im so used to guys who don’t text me all day and I have to be the one to suggest plans, etc. that I almost feel like him being so nice is throwing me off. I’m 32 and almost every relationship I’ve been in has been ended by the other guy bc he wasn’t ready for anything serious, OR I’ve ended it bc I was sick of never feeling important.
Post # 2
Are you worried about what other people think of him? Because to me, it sounds like you are attracted to him since you had great sex and enjoyed his company?
Does it just seem to easy since you are used to chasing guys and having them be unavailable?
Post # 3
see this one through. obviously there were enough sparks for you to sleep with him. and it was great sex? total bonus points! you could really end up loving this guy. see where it lands.
Post # 4
I’d definitely give this more time. My fiancé is not the type of guy I thought I’d end up with (not physically, but career-wise), but I’ve never been happier, and I would have missed out if I had just written him off without giving him a chance!
Post # 5
I guess I do care a little bit about what others think but I don’t know why. It’s not like any of my friends have super hot boyfriends. I’m probably just insecure 🙁
Post # 6
I think you really need to give it more time to see how you feel about him. It sounds like he has all the things you want. Did you ever watch Sex and the City and how Charlotte ended up with the bald, fat, ugly divorce lawyer she wasn’t attracted to at first? Well, he turned out to be the best husband and partner she could have asked for. Looks aren’t everything. It’s more important to have someone who has character, integrity, loyalty, humor, and love and affection for you. That’s the kind of person you can really fall hard for!
Post # 7
What you were doing before didn’t work so well in the long run, so it makes sense to switch things up a bit. My husband isn’t the best looking man I ever dated, in fact I considered breaking up with him when he got a really terrible haircut – I was that young and shallow. Instead I stayed and made sure he got no more cheap haircuts. Needless to say,, I don’t regret my decision.
Post # 9
I love this post because it is exactly how my husband and I fell in love. Short answer: Yes! Attraction can grow. Long answer: It depends on what you mean by “attraction”, as attaction can (and should) encompass so many more things than physical appearance. I had these same curiosities about my husband before we ever started dating. We knew of each other growing up (same school, different grades), and we reconnected several years later. While growing up in school with him, he was not the person I ever saw myself with, both in physical appearance and demeanor. When we reconnected several years later, he still wasn’t the typical guy I always dated, neither in personality or looks. He had good looks, but he wasn’t the drop-dead gorgeous (and jerky) type I usually went after. He was, however, a wonderful person. For a long time, we were friends but he wanted something more with me. I just didn’t like him like that. My feelings or attraction just weren’t there. I didn’t find him unattractive, but he just wasn’t what I thought was “my type.” He eventually asked me out on a formal date, and I decided to just go for it. It was extremely pleasant and refreshing. It started slow, and we went on a few more dates after that. Eventually, I realized I loved him for both his personality AND looks, and I knew he was exactly the type of partner I needed. Now we’re married, and I’m more attracted to him physically and emotionally that I ever have been anyone. Not that you are, but I would caution against putting so much importance on just one feature of a person. I did that with so many guys, and probably missed out on a lot of good relationships because I was too focused on “looks.” What I eventually realized with my husband is that attraction can go hand-in-hand with so many other winning qualities. If you’d rate someone’s physical appearance a 7 rather than a 10, but they have all of the other best qualities that you seek in a partner, give them a chance. If it is meant to be, you will eventually see them as a “10” because you’ll be seeing them as a whole and not just a single feature. So, I say, go for it. Give this guy a chance, especially since it sounds like you’ve had a great few dates and great sex! Of course, don’t force it if it’s not there, but I would defintiely give it some time to see if you feel it in your heart. I truly hope this helped! Good luck!
Post # 8
sarahj1238 : don’t get me wrong, I totally understand that. I brought it up because it actually seems like you are attracted to him, but something is giving you pause. I actually think you need to see this out for a few more dates at least.
I was kind of in the same boat with my fiance. He was completely different than the type of guys I used to date and he was responsive to texts and made plans with me and followed through and there were NO GAMES. It was weird to me.
And sometimes that can feel like desperation, right? Like “why would he choose me?” Why is this so easy? And sometimes people mistake things being easy as boring, but relationships should be easy. You shouldn’t wonder if he’s going to call. He should call.
Post # 9
Attraction definitely grows. I wasn’t so into my guy at first either but on paper he had everything I was looking for plus he was incredibly nice and treated me so well the first few times we went out. The more I learned about him the sexier he became. Now I can’t believe I wasn’t immediately attracted to him.
I think there was something about how forth coming he was about his feelings. He was always eager to see me and he did nice things for me without being asked. I think it gave me the impression that he was maybe desperate or something and that made him less attractive. Turns out he is just an amazing person and he treats me as well as all of his friends and family incredibly well.
Post # 10
Well, if you had great sex, there must be some attraction, right? Listen, my husband is not someone who I would have said is “my type.” On our first date, I characterized him as “cute,” but no earth shattering attraction. Second date, I was thinking he was kind of boring, maybe not the dynamic kind of person I wanted. Gave it a chance and was blown away on the third date and wondered what I had been thinking before. Now, I think he’s absolutely gorgeous, both physically and otherwise. So, yes, I think attraction can grow and that it usually does.
Post # 11
The best advice I can give is – don’t make a decision if you’re unsure. Give it more time. Trust yourself enough to know that you will know what you need to do when the time is right. Three dates and a week is not very long; it’s not surprising that you’re not sure about him yet. He seems great, he’s treating you well, you had sex and it was enjoyable, but you’re not 100% sure if you’re into it. That’s ok, that’s what dating is; trying someone on and seeing if they’re a fit. You don’t have to know right away. Give it a few more weeks and reassess. Is he growing on you? Do you want to continue?
I totally understand your hesitation given that you have always gone for hot and cold frat boys who made you do all the heavy lifting. You were attracted to something about them – probably their looks, their confidence, maybe you enjoyed the chase, etc. etc. And now you don’t want to go back to being treated like that so you’re giving a nice guy a chance. But you’re not sure if there’s a spark. I sympathise with this dilemma – I’ve been there before.
What I’ll say is this – there is a huge variety of guys out there. You do not have to settle for one or the other – the selfish frat boy who doesn’t prioritise you or the nice guy you feel no spark for. Somewhere out there is your happy medium. Maybe this guy is it, maybe not, give yourself time to find out. But be open to meeting a variety of guys and you will be more likely to find someone who has all or most of what you are looking for.
To answer your original question – attraction can grow, it doesn’t always, but it can. It very much depends on you and how important that aspect is to you.
Post # 12
So maybe he’s a fixer-upper. Get him a different haircut and some cute clothes and problem solved.
Post # 13
I mean, you’ve described all the main things that are important to me. Is it that important to stick to one particular type? Lots of people have types, but, in my experience, not everyone ends up with someone who fits that profile. It could be some important work to do in terms of understanding yourself – why are you attracted to people who have not been good for you? Suddenly you have this guy who is very compatible with you and with whom you have great sex and you’re hung up on him not fitting your type. It could be a negative pattern that you could break out of with some conscious effort. If you’re curious and have the time, why not do a few sessions with a therapist and talk it out? You’re at a reasonable age for figuring stuff out (not that you have to now..or ever if you don’t want to).
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
sarahj1238 : When I first met my husband, I didn’t think he was the hottest man ever. I was intrigued by some of his features, but he definitely went against my usual type.
Here’s the thing, the more I got to know him, the more attractive he became. He treated me so well, would not be afraid to show me his true feelings towards me (no games), I could be myself with him and felt comfortable, I felt accepted 100%. The first time he made love to me sealed the deal, it was truly amazing. He still makes love to me like that to this day (tmi lol).
I truly believe that a person’s personality can make them hotter or uglier. I think we’ve all met someone who we thought was super hot and once we got to know their ugly personality, their attractiveness suddenly dropped a few notches.
When I first started my relationship with my Darling Husband, I was actually a little worried about what my friends and family would think, but I fought through those feelings because I wanted this and I wasn’t going to let my insecurities get in the way of me finally having a great man. It was actually pretty easy to fall in love with him the more I got to know him and the more I let my guard down (luckily he made that part pretty effortless as well).
When I look at my husband today, I am so attracted to him and I have an immense sense of respect and admiration towards him. We have been through a lot together and he has given me so much. He would do anything within his power to make me happy and I would do the same for him.
I think this guy deserves a shot. Put these insecure thoughts aside and let yourself date this guy to see where it can go. There must be some level of attraction there if things have gone this far and yes, I do believe attraction can grow with time – I’ve lived it!