Can attraction grow?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

Ultimately you can’t force attraction. It can grow or not. If his personality just doesn’t make you want to spend any more time with him then you have given it four dates not just one to make your decision, which is pretty reasonable. There are some people we date that we can see a spark, even a tiny one and think I want to explore this a bit more and others where there is absolutely nothing.

If you don’t look forward in the least to seeing him, then just let it go. He may be a nice guy, just not your nice guy.

Post # 62
Member
550 posts
Busy bee

I think you did the right thing and pushing something that isn’t there just because “he is nice” is a mean game to play. What you mentioned about not seeing much commonality is a huge indicater of future problems. That on top of the lack of physical attraction, I’d feel the relationship was already dead in the water. Sure, sex was great, but I’ve had amazing sex with people I would leave out in bear infested woods. They’re one night stands for a reason. 

My husband and I have some different interests sure; like I mentioned he surfs, I can barely walk a straight line, he rides motorbikes and I sit on the back and scream the whole time. But we are in tune with each other and have been from the start. I think you can absolutely have it all. Maybe don’t go for the douches but there will be someone you have a spark with and who’s personality and interests align with yours. He’s out there.

 

Post # 63
Member
44 posts
Newbee

This sounds exactly how me and my partner were in the beginning. We met on tinder and he had like one photo so I didn’t really know what he looked like. We talked for weeks before meeting and the first meeting I was like ahh no. Not my type at all. I was attracted to tattoos and “bad boys”. But he was so good and kept texting  and asking how I was going. I wasn’t interested in him romantically so I was 100% myself. No game playing pretending not to be crazy AF. He got all me lol. And he kept coming back the next day asking how my day was. Eventually we started hanging out together as friends and then one night I got drunk with friends and decided to ask him to pick me up and we had sex. And it was AMAZING. The next day I still felt like shit I shouldn’t have done that I led him on, I’m not attracted to him like that. But I just couldn’t stay away! 4 years and two kids later we still have so much sexual chemistry and I look at him and think he’s absolutely gorgeous!! 

Please don’t throw away a good guy becauee you’re insecure. If you were truly not at all attracted to him you wouldn’t have had great sex. 

Post # 65
Member
848 posts
Busy bee

Bee, it sounds like he’s a good guy, but not the right guy. From what’s you’ve described, his personality doesn’t do it for you. Don’t settle – it’s not fair to either of you. 

Reading between the lines, I’m wondering if he’s trying a little to hard and that this is off-putting to you, as well. You mentioned he texts a lot, he’s already asking about your feelings on a relationship. This could come across as pushy and could definitely be a turn off for a lot of women. 

If you’re not into the guy, you’re not into him. It’s been a couple of dates and it sounds like the attraction has decreased, definitely not increased. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Move on. 

Post # 68
Member
9013 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i wasn’t attracted to my huisband at first.   he was nothing like the type of person i pictured myself with.  but i met him at a mutual friends party, he asked me on a date the next day.  i had nothing else going on so i said yes.  i had a good time but didn’t want a second date.  however i took my mom’s advice and said to give a guy a chance.  don’t just go on one date then move on to the next.  so i went on a 2nd date.  i had more fun than i’ve even had.  and i’d like to say the rest is history. we’ve been married 5 years, 2 kids. he’s certainly very attractive to me now

Post # 69
Member
2900 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

sarahj1238 :  I think you did the right thing by being honest with this guy because none of your posts (before you went on your 4th date) gave me the impression you were into this guy at all.  And I hate to say it, I think you led him on a bit.  You had sex pretty fast (which is something I never did only because I would become emotionally invested too fast) and said it was enjoyable so he probably thought you were into him.

And I do get it, he’s a nice guy and you’re not into him, so that’s why I think you did the right thing telling him that.  I would not contact him again.  Let this guy lick his wounds.

But I have to be honest, it sounds like you like the dating games.  In my opinion, if two people are really into each other, who cares if they start texting a lot right away?  I don’t feel that it creates a false sense of intimacy – I feel the opposite, that that is how you get to know someone.  Obviously if someone is blowing up your phone non stop that’s a problem, but it doesn’t sound in this case that was what he was doing.  Sending a quick text that he had a good time is in my mind a positive, not a negative.  I’m also not into this “mystery” bull shit.  When my husband and I first started dating, there was no BS.  It was clear we were on the same page and both tired of games so we had a many of the big discussions right away.  And asking about your weekend plans after 4 dates and already sleeping together?  Not pushy in my mind.

To answer your original question, yes, I absolutely think attraction can grow.  I’ve experienced it myself and I’ve seen it with my friends.  But for whatever reason, you pushed this guy away, for IMO no real good reason, and that’s something you need to reflect on more.  A PP said that always settling for the douce bag guys that play these mind games is not healthy, and I do think you need to ask yourself why you do it.  Why, when the end result is always going to be the same, they’re going to break your heart.  Do you think you’re the speshul snowflake that’s going to tame him?  I’m not asking that to be snarky, but I think there’s something to that mindset.  My best friend was like that for a long time.  She lived on the drama with the bad boys.  She loved always being uncertain and in a constant state of angst and none of her other friends could understand that.  I finally set her up with a friend of my ex and she was ready to break it off after a few dates because she found him boring.  We convinced her to give it more time, and long story short, they are now married and have an adorable little girl. 

She had to do a lot of reflecting and realized the reason she chased the bad boys was wanting those highs and that also came at the expense of the really low lows.  She is a bit dramatic anyway, so I could see how those kind of guys were appealing to her at first.  She didn’t realize that happiness was an all or nothing and it was once she started getting more involved and attached to her now husband that she could have those highs without the added drama.  She didn’t realize previously that stability could give her what she was looking for and what she was ultimately desiring.  I don’t think I’m explaining this very well so hopefully someone else will understand what I’m trying to say.  I think what I mean is that the games can be kind of fun for a while but they’re never going to give you the deep security that most of us want.

So back to you….since you already made it clear that you’re not really into this guy, I think it would be wasting both your time to go out with him again.  Honestly, if a guy told me what you said, I’d be done.  I wouldn’t even give you another chance.  Again, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but he can’t unhear what you said, and it’s always going to be in the back of his mind.  I would have given him more time, but that’s me.

I understand feeling guilty.  You didn’t want to hurt him and sometimes it cannot be helped.  So that’s why I think you just need to leave it alone and move on.

Post # 72
Member
848 posts
Busy bee

OP – you don’t need to apologize to anyone for having sex with this guy on the third date. Not apology needed if you slept with him on the second date. Or the first date. You’re both grown-ass adults and if you both consented to having sex, then it’s fine. The idea that you “led on” the guy by sleeping with him is flat-out gross and reminds me of people telling women that by dressing a certain way/going back to a guy’s place/getting physical, they “led” the guy on and owe him sex. You don’t owe this guy a relationship just bc you had sex with him. 

Post # 73
Member
2900 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

psyche1978 :  I know your comments are directed at me and I didn’t say the OP “owed” the guy a relationship by sleeping with him.  But I guarantee, if the OP was the guy in this case, everyone would say that it would sound like the guy is into her given the circumstances.

sarahj1238 :  My post was not meant to make you feel bad.  I am seeing things from a different perspective and clearly you didn’t like my response.  But if you didn’t want honest opinions, then maybe you should not have asked.

You never said that this guy called or texted you 10x after the first date, so how the heck are we supposed to be mind readers?  Yeah, that sounds like a lot.  But I gave my opinion based on what you actually told us.  If this guy is coming across as desparate, it would turn me off too.  But you never once said that until your latest updates.  And if I went out with someone 4 times in the matter of what, a week?  Maybe I’d assume we’d have plans that weekend too.  When he mentioned the plans, you easily could have said you don’t know what your plans are yet.

I still stand by my opinion that attraction can grow but I don’t think that was the problem with this guy.  It sounds like from the start you were looking for excuses not to see him, but you did because you felt bad.  It took 4 dates for you to confirm there was nothing there.  Now move on and let him do the same.

Post # 74
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

sunnierdaysahead2 :  Completely agree with you.

sarahj1238 :  I think you did a good thing about being honest if you are not into him, but I also completely agree with sunnierdaysahead2’s post. It did seem from the posts you were making about him that you were not into him and, quite frankly, looking for any reason to disqualify him from the running. Sure, the two of you specifically may not have been a good match, and that is fine. But the things that you are describing in your posts lead me to think that this is more like a pattern of beahvior where you are into “the chase.”

You say you want one thing–a nice guy to have a family with–but it seems like you don’t actually know what you want, because by your own admission you are picking guys who are either not emotionally available, emotionally stunted, or not into you.

And then you meet a man who does actually seem to be into you, who you say is cute and have had great sex with, but you’re looking for reasons to reject him because he’s not exciting enough. Yeah 10 texts could be a lot, BUT you yourself said that this level of communication is what you would expect from a boyfriend. Well, guess what? Guys don’t just change their level of communication because you’ve defined the relationship with them. So if this is the type of communication you are supposedly hoping for, and a guy doesn’t play games and gives you that from the beginning, then that makes him less attractive? That’s illogical. I agree with the PP who said that you seem to like to play games. By your own admission regarding when to text and what to text, you do seem to like the relationship games. Frankly, if you knew what you wanted, you wouldn’t be contradicting yourself so much.

Also, if you have seen him 4 times over the course of 8 days–that’s really not a long period of time. You don’t actually know what you guys would be doing over the weekend if you were to be together. You’re saying you’d reject him because you think he’s not adventurous enough to hang out or go to new restaurants with you over the weekends. Yet, when he suggests a restaurant he wants to try with you this weekend…you see that as a negative as well. 

Clearly you weren’t into this guy and he couldn’t have done anything to change that. I think you did the right thing by breaking it off. However, I think that what you’re saying in your posts combined with the relationship history you mention may speak to a bigger pattern of behavior for you.

Honestly, if you’re not happy where you are in your love life, I think it would probably be a good idea to reflect more (idk maybe also read some of the books bees mentioned in this thread) and to talk to a professional so that you can dig into anything that might be holding you back. Because it does seem like there is stuff holding you back. You don’t want to waste time on failed relationships, right? So do the work that you need to in order to get out of this place where you are dating these men who are not right for you.

I’m honestly not trying to make you feel bad. I could be completely wrong, I don’t actually know you. But I do have a friend who behaves the way you have described. She dates “bad boys” and rejects seemingly good men for being “boring” because she seems to like the drama. I have told her similar things to what I wrote in my post to you. Only with self-reflection will you see whether this does apply to you, and make any necessary changes. And talking about this with a professional will help speed that process up and help you make changes.

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