(Closed) Can break ups be a good thing ?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
295 posts
Helper bee

@Futuremrssw:  Aww honey I’m sorry that you are hurting. I broke up with my Fiance a month ago. (It just wasn’t working, he was kind of a jerk blah blah) and I can honestly say that it was the best decision I have made in a while. When I was going back and forth about breaking up with him someone I trust very much told me that what ever situation I ended up in it wasn’t automatically a good or bad thing. Meaning if we broke up and I sat around cried and gained 50 pounds and never got back out there, then yeah I would probably feel like this break up was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But if I went to movies with friends, ate well and took care of myself I probably wouldn’t regret it. And I don’t regret it. I’m excited to meet the next guy who will be my Mr. right. And you should be excited too because when you finish grieving this relationship you’re still a wonderful lady and he really missed out. 

Post # 4
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Read my most traumatic break up here


But I had many, many more (didnt get married until 40). Many of them were traumatic (unable to eat or sleep) and the memories lingered for years. But I have to say, all of the breakups were totally worth it. I learned so much about myself. But I also thank God that I didnt end up with any of them. 

By the time Darling Husband and were dating and he broke up 5 months in, I had been through it all. I was hurt and I cried. But I stayed calm and I allowed him to work through some things. I stayed friendly, but I had an 8 week rule. If a guy breaks up with you and isn’t back within 8 weeks, time to move on. I was so strong from my previous breakups, I knew I would survive. I was lucky. He just needed some space and 4 weeks later we were back together.

My tips for getting over him:

Make a list of all the stuff you hated and drove you crazy about him. First thing to put on there- could lie to my face so easily. How can you one week say you love me and talk future and the next dump me?

Be kind to yourself. Cry if you need to, eat what feels good, drink if you have to–up to a point, give yourself permission for 2-3 months not be on a diet, etc. After you get over the acute shock, then  you need to take care of yourself.

I had great revenge fantasies. I had this wonderful sucessful life and he was unhappy and married to a shrew. My revenge fantaies were epic!

Get into therapy. Use this time to learn about yourself. See if there were any signs you ignored or something your intuition picked up on.

Do something different–learn a new language or a new hobby. Take a trip with girlfriends or redecorate your house.

Good Luck! You will survive. And when the right guys comes around, I guarantee you will be 100% grateful that this guy dumped you!

Post # 5
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

My worst breakups were some of the biggest blessings in my life, actually. They taught me so much about who I am, how to pick myself up, and how to move forward as a stronger person. I think you should definitely use this as a way to propel yourself into a new era of your life. Get out there and pursue your hobbies, go out with friends, live your life in the way you want to! It’ll help you bounce back. And then, when you are busy living a fabulous fulfilling life, is when you’ll meet the person you’re actually supposed to be with. You’ll be so whole on your own that you’ll actually be ready for him.

Post # 6
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I got dumped 2 months before I started dating my SO. At the time, I was devastated, but if it never happened, SO and I wouldn’t be together. That was 6 years ago! Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together

Post # 8
2755 posts
Sugar bee

@Futuremrssw:  Absolutely.

I broke up with my ex-fiancé almost a year ago. It was difficult at the time, but exactly what I needed. I spent 8 months figuring myself out and really taking care of myself for the first time in my life. And then I met my boyfriend, who is everything I ever wanted and didn’t think I deserved before. If I hadn’t been able to find myself and true happiness on my own, I never would have gone for a guy like my SO and I would have missed out on the love of a lifetime.

My ex and I are still cordial, but both of us are relieved that we didn’t marry each other. I wish we had broken up 2 years before we did (the relationship lasted 4.5 years total), but that’s another story.

Sorry you are hurting, but so often we think we want something when we don’t. We’re driven by fear to stay with a person who isn’t the best for us – that’s why I stayed with my ex so long. I was afraid nobody else would want me, which is a ridiculous line of thinking.

Post # 9
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@Futuremrssw:  I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. While I don’t have any stories for you myself, I wanted to encourage you to focus on moving on instead of getting back together. This isn’t a fight you had, or he broke up with you because he doesn’t like your hair (aka something you can fix.) He just said he isn’t feeling it, and you deserve someone who will feel that way for you. He ended it because he knows it’s not fair to either of you to continue a relationship that he doesn’t really, really want.

Even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, it is better in the long run that he didn’t continue to lead you on. If he wouldn’t be 100% happy in the relationship, eventually you wouldn’t either, and the two of you might come to resent each other. I think all the marriage talk probably made him evaluate his situation a lot more in depth, and made him really analyze his feelings. He most likely didn’t want to let you know until he was sure, but he made his decision, and that’s why it feels so sudden to you. 

If he changes his mind, then he will let you know. But there probably isn’t much you can do to change it for him. You can only try to make yourself happy again, and try to find someone who will feel the same way about you as you do for him.

Post # 10
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Oh, also, check out this thread, it might help:






And check out some of the OP’s threads (the OP of the thread I linked). She was with someone who she had to end it with, and was really upset about it. They had been together for about the same time as you were. After the breakup, she lost weight, cut her hair, reconnected with her friends, and found a new boyfriend she really, really liked.


Post # 11
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Futuremrssw:  This guy is not worth it. From the little I know about your relationship, I don’t think that getting back together would be good. You will always wonder when he’ll dump you next.

Breakups, in rare cases, can be a good thing.. but most of the time they are not. Think about it – if you really loved something/someone, would you let anyone take that away from you? Would you willingly give it up? I don’t think so.

Some cases where breakups are ok include if you’re very young and going to separate colleges and then reconnect later in life. Or one person moves far away for a long time (while the other isn’t ready to move), and then they reconnect later. In my opinion, breakups like that are usually mutual. This definitely was not a mutual breakup, and he blindsided you – not a good thing at all.

I kept getting back with my ex on/off for five years. It was the most miserable time of my life. I was always so insecure, so unsure of what he would do next. After I finally had enough I felt so free and was single for about a year. I then found my SO and he treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

Post # 12
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m curious as to why you want to get back together? Not trying to be judgmental, just honestly curious. 

If you know he isn’t “in love” with you, why would you want to be with someone like that?

Post # 14
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Futuremrssw:  OP, I’m not against getting back together with an ex (DH was an ex) but I would not take this guy back. 

Did anyone say something similar to you ? -Yes and it wasn’t easy to hear it.  I thought that it was a cop out but I know how that it could be true now.

Did you get back together ? – No, because there is no way you can fall out of love and then, *bam!* fall back into it.  The regret is usually from being alone and feeling alone not because they actually want you back. 

Can you give me any tips to help move on or get back together?  -Try new activities to get your mind off things.  And, think positively!  You will meet someone who loves you for who you are and never let you go. 

Post # 16
9675 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

did anyone say something similar to you ? 

Not exactly, but I’ve been broken up with when I thought things were going great.  I HAVE said this to someone I’ve broken up with though.  I said it because I was trying to soften the blow I guess.  I was already over it long before I actually broke up with him.

Did you get back together ?

No (to the one I broke up with).  I got back together with another ex (who had dumped me originally) and it was very on and off…and eventually I ended it because I was tired of it.  Getting back together with him was a complete waste of time.

Can you give me any tips to help move on or get back together ? 

I think you should move on with your life.  Someone who wants to be with you will make it happen.  Move on with your life.  If it’s meant to be it will be, but you shouldn’t be waiting on it (because most likely it won’t happen and you will be sorry you ever wasted time on it in the long run).
Sorry OP…I think you should move on with your life and focus on you.  Why would you want to be with someone who isn’t in love with you?  You deserve more than that.

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