Post # 1
I am expecting some fire for this. And I am strong so tell me the truth. And NOTHING BUT THE WHOLE TRUTH. (Also, this is not really my issue, I’m really looking for advice for FI who is in this situation)
We are having a two year engagement. About a year ago, FI (and I) sent a save the date to a somewhat new friend FI had made. We thought we were going to be BFFs with this guy. He had been to our house for dinner like 10 times and FI and him were hanging out all the time.
Basically right after we sent him the save the date, he disappeared. Stopped responding to texts completely. We just assumed we weren’t friends with him anymore. It was extremely disappointing for FI, but after a while we moved on. We later found out that he was extremely depressed from being dumped by his girl friend. He basically stopped functioning, he took it really hard. And I don’t blame him, some people have a really hard time with things, for whatever personal reason(s).
Well now this guy has suddenly showed up on the fringes of FI’s friends, and he has asked FI about the wedding. We had assumed when he disappeared that we wouldn’t invite him, but now we aren’t sure what to do. Neither of us are close with him at all. When we go out with FI’s friends, we say hi to him, but we don’t really talk or hang out at all. There doesn’t seem to be any indicatioin that this guy and FI are going to be close again either. The guy never contacts him outside of happening to bump into him. We’re in an awkward sticky gray area.
Any and all advice appreciated!
Post # 3
Honestly, if he got a save the date, he should get an invite. who know, maybe he was just asking to be nice and won’t even end up coming.
Post # 4
@lollygagon: I think you’re right- I guess I didn’t voice the other weirdness- if we invite him it’s like then we need to invite all the people in the larger circle of friends… I’m not sure if there’s a way to get around that without seeming rude if people talk about our wedding. Let me know if you have any thoughts on that too.
Post # 5
Wow, you sent out your STDs EARLY! About 1.5 years before your wedding? This kind of thing is bound to happen in that case.
Anyway, from an etiquette perspective you should invite him. But not everything in the world is about etiquette. If this guy never talks to you anymore, do you think he’ll care if he doesn’t get the invite? It’s possible he’ll think that it’s weird that you invited him. In that case, I don’t see the harm in not inviting him.
I had a couple that I invited because we were starting to become friends and they seemed like they were becoming part of the group. Then within weeks of sending out the invite we basically lost touch with them. I felt kind of stupid for thinking we were becoming such good friends…but what are you gonna do? Sometimes you miss judge.
Post # 6
Eh it was so long ago I wouldnt feel too my pressure to invite him over a save the date if I were you. I’d just apologize and say that things changed with your guest list and you had to make cuts or something. If he brings it up again that is. He’ll get over it.
Post # 7
@nawella: You’ve sent an STD, so you should send an invite.
To be blunt (since you asked), this is the chance you take when you send out STDs so early to everyone.
Just sit him at a table with mutual friends. It’ll be fine.
Post # 8
@nawella: I’m sorry but that seems really harsh, your FI considered him a friend, when he became depressed he withdrew which is totally normal, now he’s started to put himself out there again and become social and your instinct is to uninvite him to your wedding? It sounds like he could do with the gesture and inclusion tbh.
Post # 9
I would invite him. It sounds like you’re goting to run into him in the future so it’s best to go with etiquette rules.
Post # 10
How about offering him an olive branch – invite him around for coffee or meet for brunch etc. Maybe he feels bad or embarrassed about his state of mind andthe fact that he went off the radar. If you spend an hour or two with him you (and he) will know whether the friendship is salvageable.
Post # 11
You should extend an invitation to him. I’m not sure why you assumed he wouldn’t be coming when he became depressed and withdrawn; that had nothing to do with your wedding.
Post # 12
I think your husband has not been a good friend to this guy. I don’t understand the reaction of cutting him off when he became withdrawn. He didn’t follow up, check in on him, make sure he was ok? That’s kind of a shitty thing to do (again going on just what you’ve posted).
But that aside, you asked for etiquette advice so here it is. You’ve already told him to save this date, to not book other plans. He has lived up to his end of the bargain. Your end is now to honour the committment you made to him. To not invite someone because they became depressed is pretty crappy. Hopefully other brides will learn from your mistake about sending out STDs way early.
Post # 13
@nawella: I was going to say that sometimes etiquette is just a guideline, and you can uninvite people who treat you terribly, but your case is a little different. I think it’s kind of crappy to uninvite someone because they were struggling with depression. You still have 6 months, so I’d see if you rekindle your friendship in the meantime.
Post # 14
You sent the save the date, you must send an invitation. There’s no way out of it. It’s incredibly rude not to. Hopefully he’ll gracefully decline and that’ll be the end of it. If not, you won’t even notice that he’s there.
Post # 15
This is why I am in favor of writing individual notes to the people who really need to know that far ahead, either to make travel plans or whom I would be crushed not to have there. STDs are a relatively recent thing in their current incarnation as a mass mailing to anyone and everyone expected to receive an invitation, and tbh I am not a fan.
It really hasn’t been that long and people sometimes do lose touch for awhile, so once a STD has been sent, there is really no polite way to renege.
The larger group of friends issue is something you will have to work out. There’s no obligation to add to your guest list at this point, but if you have made new friends and want to invite them, go ahead.
Post # 16
@nawella: In my opinion, you’re obligated to invite him.
That’s the thing with save the dates – particularly with long engagements. You’ve committed yoruself to inviting these people.
If he had just dissapeared, I was prepared to let you off the hook, but, not only has he reappeared, he REMEMBERS the STD and is expecting an invitation. Not inviting him would be rude, insulting and also hurtful. Particularly since he is still involved with your social circle – its not like he’s not going to hear about the wedding and if you don’t invite him its going to be awkward for him, you and everyone else.
I feel bad for this guy. Sounds like he had a tough time. And who knows what the futue holds? If he and your FI were tight once, whose to say they can’t/wont be again? Maybe your wedding will be the catalyst?