(Closed) Can I ask him if he had a lap dance?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

do you trust him? if not, then you have more problems than a simple lap dance.

if you do… then you have no need to ask.

Post # 18
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

I am sitting here waiting on my Fiance to get back from his bachelor party any minute now… so I understand the questions in your mind. Fiance and I discussed what our boundaries are, what is considered inappropriate and he reiterated to me before he left that he wouldn’t do anything to compromise our relationship. Period.

If I were you, and really had to know… I would wait a few days and calm down a bit first.  I am sure if that is brought up within the first few minutes of being home he will go on the defensive. 

Wait it out a few days– sort these feelings within yourself and be prepared for both answers. 

Post # 19
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You can ask.

He can lie.

Then where do your trust issues get you?  You still don’t have a straight answer, and you’ve got a guy so freaked out about having a lap dance he’ll lie to you and build a foundation of lies.

If you trust him, you need to TRUST HIM.  If you don’t, you need to figure out why and get whatever help you need getting over it before you marry this guy.

Post # 20
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Don’t ask. You told him your feelings on the issue, that’s it. If you ask, you’re only going to be putting him in a position where he will feel like he has to lie to you if he did have one.

I really don’t think a guy getting a lapdance(probably under pressure from his buddies) for his bachelor party diminishes his love for you in any way.

Post # 21
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t have a problem with lap dances in the main room but I don’t plan on asking Fiance when that time comes where he had his lap dance. I trust him to be honest about something that simple if I didn’t we wouldn’t be planning a wedding. I also think it’s more to this than a lap dance seems that you have trust issues, not being rude at all but one minute you say you trust him but the fact that this is bugging you so much tells a whole different story. Just MO.

Post # 22
Member
5373 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

My Fiance and I talk about everything (: I completely trust him, but we like to talk about what goes on in our day and his bachelor party will be no exception. I would ask my Fiance if he had a lapdance, because I would be genuinely curious.

If you think asking would make you feel better then I think you should ask. But, if you think he would try to cover it up anyways or if you don’t think you could handle it if he says he did, then I don’t think you should ask.

Post # 23
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You should be comfortable  enough to be open with your feelings. Ask him, and dont torture yourself by waiting around or days while it eats you up. Just say hey, I know this is silly and you already said you wouldn’t but I have to ask “did you get a lap dance” or you can ask him like this “so did your friends try really hard to get you a lap dance?, were they disappointed you said no?”

Your Fiance knows you and he knows this is a sensitive issue for you so he shouldn’t be surprised by the question. 

I said no lap dances of any kind for Fiance, I do not want boobs touching his face period. He promised me he wouldn’t but I fully intend to ask for my own peace of mind. I am open to the fact that he could be peer pressured into doing it and it’s not a deal breaker for me. 

Post # 24
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Ugh hate te bachelor parties! I flat out told my husband NO! To all of that crap and it made me look like a mega beeotch. It’s a no win situation and a pathetic “tradition”.

Post # 25
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

While I understand that you are curious since you had a conversation about it beforehand, what good will come out of you asking and him answering “yes” if that is what happens?  You mention you don’t want him to cave under peer pressure, but if he did are you not going to trust him out with friends anymore? It’s a tough situation because either he didn’t and you feel bad for having to confirm he followed your request, or he lies and you think he’s lying and you fight about it, or he says yes and you get in a fight because he did cave to peer pressure.

Post # 27
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@ticatica:  And it’s great that you are getting help for those issues, but waiting for the man you’re going to marry to do something wrong and thinking in terms of “If he did do this I’m going to call of the relationship” is not fair to him, regardless of your willingness to admit that it’s your own issue. But obviously you’re going to ask him anyway, so I hope for this time at least, he gives you the right answer. For therapy to work (and I should know), you have to make an active effort to put it into action.

Post # 29
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@ticatica:  I hope you aren’t mistaking an honest opinion for me telling you to ignore inner concerns and just shut up when something is bothering you. I just know that I sabotaged 2 years after my daughter was born because of a traumatic incident when she was an infant and I completely gave in to my own fears/insecurities. I barely trusted even my husband to get near her because I was unwilling to give up control, and it was driving us apart. I went to therapy for a solid year and every week I’d come back and tell them the same things over and over. And finally my doctor said “I can only take you so far, but now you need to make the effort to recognize your triggers and stop them in their tracks before they affect other people.” And once I started making that a habit, things got much better.

Post # 31
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Men get lap dances at the stags.  It’s a fact. It’s not the end of the world. 

Most of the lap dances I’ve heard about have been humorous more than a turn on for them anyways.  The most recent one, the stripper started doing some odd bouncing thing on the bachelor’s lap.  The other guys started laughing, and she started yelling “no laughing, no laughing”…..

Another one, the bachelor was forced to have a lap dance and suddenly the stripper turned around to him and said she had something in her eye.  She then held her eye open and told him to blow in it to get it out.  Needless to say, sooo not sexy and really really awkward…..

What I’m trying to say is that just because he had a lap dance it does not mean he enjoyed it….I think there’s more of a chance that something like the above happened instead of something that could compromise your relationship….

I KNOW my Fiance will have a lapdance at his bachelor party…..but I also know his friends are severely against cheating so it will not go that far…but lap dances are fair game….and I’m sure they’ll want him to have to deal with something like they have from the examples above…..

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