(Closed) Can I change who my MOH is?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What should I do with my MOH situation?
    "Demote" FSIL to a BM and "Promote" BFF to MOH : (1 votes)
    4 %
    Have TWO MOHs (BFF and FSIL) : (16 votes)
    70 %
    Other - Explain below : (6 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2539 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    i kinda went through the smae thing! my sister is my MOh and although i want her to stay that way, i know she is going through alot..and my BFF has been there to help me through this whole wedding planning nightmare lol, and i knew she wanted to be my Maid/Matron of Honor…so i made my BFF my Matron of Honor and my sister my Maid of Honor….everyone is happy and i have the 2 most important women (next to my mommy) standing next to me as i marry my best friend.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I would have 2!

    Post # 5
    Member
    4682 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Under those circumstances, I would have two. 

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    653 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I would personally have 2… Can you imagine if someone asked you to be their Maid/Matron of Honor then told them they could no longer be the MOH? I’m only having 2 girls in our wedding and although my sister is considered “MOH” and my bestfriend since the age 3 is my “BM” I look at them as one in the same! 🙂

    Post # 7
    Member
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    what sort of support do you need for a engagment photo shoot??

    i would not demote the sister of your Fiance, the person you consider the sister you never had and that you say you love only because shes not there to tie ribbons and arrange bridal showers for you – IF you have to make a change i would have them share the title

    Post # 8
    Member
    1289 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Have two! I am actually having two maids of honor! My FI’s two brothers are his best men so its perfect for me because there’s no way I could have chosen between my two besties! You should absolutely have two! That way you don’t have to demote your Future Sister-In-Law especially because its a valid reason for being MIA (it would probably hurt her feelings a little), and you get to promote your other BFF and let her know that you appreciate all that she’s doing!

    Post # 9
    Member
    2607 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    There wasn’t an option for “Leave things like they are” so I voted for other.  

    I don’t see why you need to change things at all.  It’s YOUR wedding, not your MOH’s, so I guess I don’t see why she needs to do anything for you.  It’s NICE, but I don’t consider it an obligation.  My SIL was my Maid/Matron of Honor, and I didn’t require her to do any planning.  She was nice enough to throw me a shower, but I didn’t require it of her.  

    Post # 10
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Miss Apricot: Agreed. My BMs (I have no Maid/Matron of Honor, I love them all and I couldn’t pick one) are not expected to do anything but buy the dress and show up and be there for me on that day. Are you really considering “demoting” someone apparently so close to you because they can’t plan a bridal shower and tie ribbons? If I did that to any of my BMs it would really damage the friendship. I just want them standing with me on that day, that’s all.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1652 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I don’t believe honor attendants should be chosen based on how much they can help out with the wedding.  The Maid/Matron of Honor should be chosen based on your close, supportive relationship with one another.  Even if my BFF lived all the way across the country and couldn’t show up until the day before the wedding, I’d still have asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor.

    That said, there’s nothing wrong with having two MOH’s.  My two closest/oldest friends are co-MOH’s.  But in your situation, my question would be this: Have you had your Maid/Matron of Honor and BM’s chosen for a long enough period of time that it would be really obvious you’re “promoting” one of the BM’s to Maid/Matron of Honor all of a sudden, and would it be obvious to everyone why you’re doing it?  Because if your Maid/Matron of Honor knows you’re making another girl Maid/Matron of Honor because she can do more legwork, I could see that being really hurtful.  (Now, we would all hope people can be mature and not have a snitty “But I’m the MOH!” reaction, but I could definitely understand if she was a bit hurt by it.)

    Since your Bridesmaid or Best Man is your best friend, I can understand that your relationship with her is probably as close or even closer than your relationship with your Future Sister-In-Law, and maybe just because of that emotional closeness you feel you should recognize her with an Maid/Matron of Honor position as well.  I don’t see any problem with that.  I just don’t agree with basing it on how much she can literally and physically help with wedding planning.  If you do want to “promote” her, I’d suggest having a chat with your Future Sister-In-Law and saying, “Hey sis, you know, I’m really close with Lisa, and I was thinking I’d like to give her an honor position as well.  Think you’d be cool being co-MOH’s?”  I can’t imagine someone having a problem with it from that perspective.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1652 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Yea I probably won’t “demote” my Future Sister-In-Law, but not only is she not available for any activities let alone plan them, over the last 2 months she hasn’t even been available for chats, opinions, advice, to be a friend/sister. I went through nursing school which was hard, I hardly had a social life my first year, and she’s going through the same thing. School and study whenever she’s awake. I can’t even chat with her to ask “what do you think of this…?” So it’s not that I’m expecting her to throw my parties or be my slave, she’s completely MIA in my life and not even there for emotional support.

    I have to say, I never understand why these kinds of things, that are apparently important enough that they’re weighing heavily on one’s decision, are never mentioned in the original post but then creep up later on as additional fuel.  It ends up seeming disingenuous, even if that’s not the intent.  It also makes it really confusing, because your first post talked about how supportive she is, but not available to help physically.

    ETA: +1 to eloping’s post below

    Post # 14
    Member
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    but not only is she not available for….

    i still think its not a stellar thing to do – if she is as busy/stressed with no social life as you say you understand what its like then what a kick in the guts for her to be told she is less important in your life than the person that can help pick out party favors. 

    i just think caring for someone is about more than what you get out of it, sometimes its about giving someone a life line to say i am here for you even if we dont talk/see each other as much as we would like  – i might be a minority here

    Post # 16
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @CrispyRN: You say you understand her school situation, so let her off the hook. I’m sure she’d love to be social and chatty but just doesn’t have time, and if you change your wedding party situation she’ll probably be even more upset about it.

    +1 to eloping as well.

    The topic ‘Can I change who my MOH is?’ is closed to new replies.

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