Can I ever be greater than his mother?

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

This doesn’t sound like the right relationship for you. 

Is this guy allowed to have friends?  I’d feel choked if I were in his shoes.

Post # 33
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly, I can’t believe what these women are saying. I’d be super annoyed if my boyfriend was spending that much time with his mother. What is he going to do when you get married or have children? What about time for hobbies or friends? She is taking up way too much of his time, but he lets her do it. If I had only 12 days a month with my boyfriend, and he spent 6 of those plus any holidays with his mom I would definitely be talking to him, multiple times if it doesn’t sink in the first time. There aren’t many men that spend 6 days a month with their mother just hanging out. I’m on your side for this one. It’s time to cut the cord. Despite what these women are saying if they were put in this situation I don’t think they would be that “cool” with it. I think it’s amazing you’ve put up with it for this long. 

Post # 34
Member
421 posts
Helper bee

Is the issue that you want to spend more time together period, or just that he spends an equal amount of time with his mother? If it was friends instead of his mother would you still have a problem with it?

ETA: If the problem is just the amount of time spent together in general have you ever talked to him about wanting to spend more time together (without mentioning anything about his mother in the conversation)? If you’ve never said anything he may think everything is fine as is.

Post # 37
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

If he was basically living with you for 7 or 8 months and travels so much then why did he get his own place? Seems a waste if he’s either at your’s, his mum’s or out of town. 

Post # 38
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It doesn’t sound like this is the right relationship for you. I don’t blame you, it wouldn’t be the right relationship for me either. I wouldn’t be able to be over a year in, only seeing my SO a day and a half per week.

Post # 39
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, the more you update the more it seems like you’re not a compatible couple. 

You deserve someone that shares your view on how much time to spend with each other.

When I first met my partner, we often only got to see each other a day a week for the first few years due to our schedules but we did work on it. I would have been upset if he asked that I spend less time with my family as I have strong family values, even if that is 3 or so days a week. I would only justify his comments if it was during an engagement or marriage, not within the first year or so. 

Post # 40
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

How long have yous been together? How serious is your relationship?

Im confused about the getting his own house comment? Did he buy another house separately from you? This seems strange especially if in a long term committed relationship. Seems even more strange given the fact he is only in town a few nights a month.

Post # 41
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee

I’m shocked and in complete disagreement with the hive. Grown men in relationships should be building up their relationships toward something greater than, yes, their mothers–a wife and family of their own. No, it’s NOT normal for a man in his 30s in a long-term relationship to want to hang out with his mother as much as the woman he’s fucking. Sorry, no. Unless everyone here wants to hang out with their mothers just as much as with their SOs and always have… which I hiiiiiiiiiighly doubt. Children are supposed to “leave the nest” and build a new one. And he has his own place but STILL hangs out with his mother?? Does he even spend time at HIS place? What was the point of getting it? 

The ONLY thing I can think that would make this behavior not be strange is that you said he goes there and watches sports. Maybe his mom just sorta does her own thing when he’s there, maybe she cooks for him, and he considers that his lounging, man-time and he gets catered to a little by Mommy. But even still, I would NOT be okay with him not wanting to spend more of his lounge time with me than with Mommy. Weird. 

And it is ridiculous for any PP to suggest that you can never and SHOULD never be more important than his mother. Seriously?! How many people on this board are constantly telling women to run from Mommy’s boys?? That people should set boundaries with parents in order to be partners with their SOs? This is no different–an SO in a serious relationship moving toward marriage should absolutely be greater than a parent. If you’re not, though, OP, then it’s possible that he doesn’t see this relationship progressing, which isn’t hard to imagine. You barely spend any time with the guy! 

I don’t think you’re crazy for your feelings at ALL (and I think the Hive’s behavior in this post is endemic to the nature of the Hive and not what’s actually happening in your situation, OP), but I do think that this man hasn’t illustrated that he wants to take your relationship to the next level anytime soon. It sounds like you’re more of a casual girlfriend, someone he can hang around with when he’s home but not someone with whom he wants to truly build a life. I would talk to him about this SERIOUSLY before making any decisions, but I wouldn’t stay in it unless he says that he absolutely wants to build a life with you and is willing to make you his priority over Mommy. 

Post # 42
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

DeniseSecunda :  Although I agree with your post, thought I’d add that I often spend 3 or so days a week hanging out with my parents, I ‘left the nest’ many many years ago but I’m a big family person. 

Post # 43
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee

querty :  If you’re already established in a marriage and see your husband far more than you parents and live with your husband, and if he also spends time with your parents with you, then this sounds much closer to normal.

But OP’s situation is clearly different–they’re not married but have been together for enough time that talks should start to happen about where their relationship is heading. It’s not heading anywhere, from what I can tell, because he spends too much time with Mother to create a solid romantic relationship with a woman. 

Post # 44
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

This will probably sound harsh, but OP has mentioned pregnancy, kids and marriage.  What does the boyfriend think of these goals?

Does he see you as his future wife (assuming marriage is a goal for you both)?  Nobody I was dating (even with regular sleepovers) would get nearly as much time as my family and established friends.  The fact that your boyfriend got his own place apart from you when he moved out of his mom’s place makes me wonder if your frustration includes a misalignment of expectations. 

If you’re planning to get married and he’s still invested in his mom instead of spending time with you (and his friend time comes from your part of the equation) I would think that’s cause to worry about his priorities.  If this isn’t a together-forever situation from his POV, I understand his use of time a lot more. 

– ETA: I’m a big family person, too. I wouldn’t blink an eye at a guy spending 1-2 days with his family.  I see or speak to members of my family at least once a day.  My husband = family, but boyfriends never came close to seeing/ speaking to me every day.  That just isn’t how I prioritized my dating relationships. 

Post # 45
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

DeniseSecunda :  You’re right and I hate to say it but I think that’s the problem. Most men who really want to solidify a relationship would adjust their priorities. And I just wonder if he is using mom as an excuse to keep things from being too seriogus with OP.

ETA – or maybe he’s just a momma’s boy which isn’t good either.

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