Post # 1
I’ve been lurking around here for sometime, but I would like some advice on this.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two and a half years. We are both college undergraduates but we’ve been dating since high school. Our relationship has been long distance since last year. We spend the weekend together at least once every three weeks, but usually more. When things are good, they’re really good. We’ve been discussing marriage for probably a year. This man is the love of my life.
Our relationship has made it over several bumps in the road. My boyfriend has had problems with other women in the past. He badgered me about a threesome with my best friend for months early in our relationship, a fantasy I am just unwilling to fill. He also tends to get very emotionally connected to his lady-friends. Over the course of our relationship, I have been aware of three girls that he feels/felt very close to, texted frequently, and probably got in a little too deep with. One of these, he admits he was attracted to and almost cheated on me with. The other two, he insists are just friends, but says they might be attracted to him. All three of these girls, he met at various summer camps while he was separated from me. I have never met any of them personally. Their texts have been sources of arguments for us in the past. I know this because sometimes I go behind his back and check his phone (I’ll get to that).
Several months ago, I got suspicious of some of his behavior and checked one of his older e-mail addresses that I thought he no longer used. I found hundreds of e-mails from dating and cheating websites. Some of them had been opened, some were unread. They dated back to when I first moved away to college. He had been trolling dating and casual sex websites for almost a year without me knowing about it. That was heartbreaking for me and I wanted to end it. We seemed to pull through that, but sometimes I’m disgusted with myself because I know I wouldn’t want any of my friends to stay with a man who pulled something like that. Despite all this, he says he has never been physically unfaithful and I believe him.
We spent last weekend together and it was romantic and amazing. I was uploading some photos from a roadtrip we took to his Facebook, and so he gave me his password to do it. While I was browsing his photos (he was sitting right next to me, so this one wasn’t sneaky) I came across some from last summer, when he was at another camp-type thing. They were of him at a casual get-together for the participants and there were females in the pictures. Now, I’m not enough of a psycho to get mad about just that, but he had specifically told me during the course of his time there that no women were present. I’m mad and concerned that he lied about that, not about the presence of girls in itself. When I asked him what made him lie about something so small, he said he knew it would make me mad.
Last night, a suspicious character tried to add me on Facebook. My boyfriend (we were on Skype) told me the same guy tried to add him. It was soon followed up with a message between the mysterious “stranger” and my boyfriend with the stranger telling my b/f how hot his girlfriend is. Then, the stranger started commenting to my boyfriend about things in my personal life. I was terrified that I had some kind of stalker, almost to the point of tears. But when my boyfriend started pressuring me to add the stranger and talk to him, I began to think maybe my boyfriend made a fake account to talk to me. I’ve heard of people doing this before.
I logged into his Facebook to see if he was really talking to the stranger, and while I was in there, it was almost like I couldn’t help seeing if there was anything between him and other girls in his messages. I have never gone through his Facebook before, just his e-mail and phone sometimes. I can’t say what I found surprised me.
His conversations with two of the girls I mentioned from his camps verified some of my suspicions. Though they were not sexual, they seemed flirtatious at times and he kept telling one of the girls how much he missed her, encouraging her to text him. The other girl, the one he got closest to cheating on me with, sent him a message on our anniversary last year asking him to text her. He replied with “same number?”
However, there were also messages from several (I’d say three or four) additional women I had not previously known about. One was asking him to meet her at an annual church camp he attended in high school, another sounded like they were planning to meet in his city while I was at college last year. Another constantly called him “honey” and almost exclusively, he asked them to text him. I went through a message with him and a girl from our high school talking about her personal relationship problems.
I know I have no business invading his privacy- but can I trust him ever? What is going on? And what’s up with the fake account he made?
Post # 3
I guess it’s important to mention that none of the Facebook conversations I read were super recent.
Post # 4
If they aren’t super recent, and you’ve made peace with it in the past, I say drop it and continue with your relationship. However, if it continues, get the hell out. If you can’t trust him now, after the amount of time you’ve spent together, you probably never will be able to.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
“but can I trust him ever?”
You clearly don’t trust him now, with good reason, and it sounds like he’s got not interest in changing his behavior, so I don’t see how that’s going to change…
“What is going on?”
It sounds like you’re a lot more committed to this relationship than he is. He enjoys these flirtations (and maybe more???) and even though he knows they hurt you, he has made no effort to stop them.
“And what’s up with the fake account he made?”
This just seems like game playing to me– maybe he’s hoping to start an emotional connection with you as the other guy to prove to himself that given the opportunity you’d act the same way he does?
I see A LOT of red flags here; if it were me, I’d leave. He clearly isn’t as committed to you as you are to him, and he’s making no effort to change that– KNOWING that you’re aware of his actions.
Sorry, just saw your update– how old are these? Was it before you confronted him about being uncomfortable with how “friendly” he is with these woman? If so, then you’re just finding more evidence from the past, and shouldn’t dwell on it. But if they’re AFTER that, then what I said before applies.
Post # 6
I guess the part that disturbs me is that I found stuff from women I never knew existed in his Facebook. When he’s swearing up and down that he’s told me everything…well, obviously not. I’m wondering now just how much I don’t know. The small lies really build up.
Post # 7
I am going to sound harsh, and I don’t mean to be hurtful to you. However, this guy has shown you — repeatedly and consistently — who he really is. Believe him.
No one can tell you what to do with your own life and future. However, I just want to note that, just because you have incredibly strong emotions for someone, and have had a long history with him, does not mean that the person is right for you.
Research suggests that whatever a person is before he or she is married, he or she will only be more of once he or she is married. If you cannot see yourself living with this much uncertainty, lack of trust, and suspicion for the rest of your life, then you should not attempt to stay in this relationship.
Post # 8
This guy sounds like a piece of work. Save yourself now and get away.
Post # 9
I would leave. He sounds young and immature.
Post # 10
Honestly it sounds like he’s gotten away with being sneaky, telling lies and possibly cheating and I doubt that’s going to change in the relationship. I don’t think I could get over the trust issues.
Post # 11
While he hasn’t PHYSICALLY cheated on you he has EMOTIONALLY cheated on you, several times. It is still cheating, run as fast as you can. Find someone who would never do that to you!!!!
Post # 12
It sounds like he was cheating or obviously at the very least looking for someone to either cheat with or looking for someone new. I would have a hard time trusting him after that. If there’s cheating in a relationship that always means there is problems going on.
He doesn’t sound very trustworthy at all.
Post # 13
Red flag after red flag. You know the answer to this question. Your boyfriend is sneaky and dishonest and you don’t deserve that in your life unless you allow it.
You’re young. Find someone who loves and respect you as much as you do him.
Post # 14
@mrcrgirl17: to answer your question, i would say no.
you are still young with your whole life ahead of you. why are you wasting your time and your life on someone who clearly is being dishonest and imo betraying you. you deserve so much more. you should not have these feelings while in a committed relationship. if you do, it’s not the one for you.
it’s not like you live together or anything. take advantage of your distance and move on with your life. a year from now you will look back and be grateful that you did.
good luck. let me know if you need to chat.
Post # 15
You guys are both young and he is immature and no where near ready for a committment like marriage or even a long term relationship. Leave, you won’t regret it. He is showing you absolutely zero respect. You don’t have to put up with it – there are much better men (not boys) out there. You said it yourself – you wouldn’t want your friend to be in the relationship you are in. So, get yourself out. Have the same respect and love you have for your friends for yourself.
Post # 16
As for the same account, maybe he’s just being kinky?