Post # 1
Every year me and my husband spend Xmas eve with his family and Xmas day with mine. At my house, it’s a really relaxed atmosphere, I can relax on the couch, don’t have to get dressed up and it’s not all some “fake show” like at his house. In the past years, they eat really late and we sometimes don’t get out of their house until 12-1 a.m. I always go visit them for the holidays, obligatory days, and I do it for my husband because I love him. In bewtween, he goes to visit a lot without me and I feel that’s fine. Personally, I don’t feel the need or want to accompany him each time. (my husband knows I don’t care for his mother).
I’m 4 months pregnant and I’ve had a really easy pregnancy so far but I am exhausted every day and most nights I am fast asleep by 8.p.m and get out of breath pretty quickly. Last time I went to visit them I was very sick and it took weeks for me to get better because I was afarid to take any medicine. Plus, I’m on my feet all day. My in-laws are “all about them” so would never eat earlier Xmas eve or anything like that. I found out this year we are going to eat at a restaurant THEN still have to go back to their house to spend hours opening up presents. I was just at his aunts house recently and thought I was going to pass out on the couch come 9pm. It was agnony. I am also going over this weekend again for someone’s bday.
Last time I was there, which was to announce I was pregnant, they talked about the “baby” for about 5 mintues, then it got changed around to the usual 30 minute stories about my husband when he was a baby or his mother talking about herself. They have also started asking the same questions of “Oh, so you are going to be out a job now” or his father asking him over the phone “oh, so is she gonna start working right away” since my internship is ending soon and I won’t be working (I wasn’t getting paid for this to begin with). I’ve told them already there is a hiring stop in my field, noone is getting hired. My family never hounds us with questions about when I’m going back to work or anything like that. They know I busted my butt working full time, getting a master’s degree during that time and agree that now that I’m pregnant (my husband works too) that if we, meaning my husband and I, decide I can stay home for the next few months, that’s our decision. I just don’t feel like having a another long, uncomforatble dinner, getting asked the same questions repeatedly, which they already know the answers to, and being so tired that I feel like I will pass out at the dinner table.
So, can I or how can I get out of spending Xmas eve with them? I’m actually sick again too. And if I do have to go, how do I deal with their annoying questions. I CONSTANTLY get guilt trips from my husband how he goes to “see my family all the time”, yet I don’t go with him a lot. I’ve explained to him that he is not obligated and if he ever wants to stay home, no one, including my family, would make a big deal.
Post # 3
Yikes. That is a tough spot to be in.
On one hand, I think this is something you need to work out with your husband. Clearly, your pregnancy is having a big effect on you (in terms of staying up late) but also their comments are just degrading and unproductive.
Would it be an option for him to go and you to stay at home?
The bad news? They will always be his family. I know how it feels to have self-centered in-laws…the kind where they ask about you for about 5 seconds and then talk about themselves endlessly…the same stories over and over. But they are his family and it would be unfair for him to not see them over Christmas.
I would try to discuss with you husband the late hour and how you’re just exhausted and feeling sick. Maybe go over for Christmas eve lunch…he stays, you go home?
Post # 4
Is your husband open to leaving earlier? I think the key to dealing with family is boundaries. If I were in your shoes, I would probably talk to my husband and ask him to let his family know up front and very clearly that we will come, but we need to leave at 7:30. Then whatever is going on at 7:30, you leave.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Post # 5
Is there any way that you can just go to the dinner and then have your husband drop you off at home? That way you show your face and have a perfectly good excuse (you being exhausted from your pregnancy) for you to head home and call it a night? They should be understanding about your current situation, and if not them I’m sure your husband is and should make this happen. Do they live far from your home? Would it be impossible for you to get home after the dinne?
Post # 6
I think you need to have your husband pitch in here to support you when you are pregnant.
He can let his parents know that you have been having a rough ride and need to be home at ____________pm. You will both be happy to join them Christmas Eve but will not be able to stay late.
Most of us never feel as comfortable at the inlaws as we do at our own parents because we are used to the routine at “home”. Nevertheless, you are going to have to get used to sharing holidays with the parents. After you have children, you could tell both families that you are going to stay home and they are welcome to visit, if you choose.