- 10 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Bees, Thank you for your feedback but I think I should slowly “close” this thread now. It seems to have caused me more anxiety than I expected.
I showed my fiance the thread because I got quite teary at some of the suggestions and allegations of motive. He requested to read my first post and after reading just the first two paragraphs said I had worded it very poorly and negatively, not really shown the whole picture and explained how some of you could feel the way you do. I apologise if I came across as cold or strongly motivated by my wedding plans. I am very upset to hear it came across that way to a few. I would be sick if I were ever that sort of person.
Just to clarify:
1. I never called her with the intent of trying to plan a wedding. I apologise if I worded it this way and understand how it may have sounded like that. I just took it as a given that people would understand my motive for calling my sister was that I was uber excited for her and wanted to know if my sister was pregnant! She said she had only taken one at home test and it could be wrong so I wanted to know so I could properly congratulate her! When I didn’t hear back after the first call, I called back 6 hours later because I was worried something went wrong. Of course that would be the reason I called. I should have outlined that but she’s my sister, of course that’s why I called. Oh, and I’m a normal person. Unfortunately on the tail end of this and this is not why i called, do not mix the two up I also needed to confirm just so I could tell my future in laws who are overseas and asking for leave and trying to book tickets that they should halt that plan. I only mentioned this in the description so people understood the other pressure. I needed to tell a friend who had just started a new job to not worry about the leave he had so graciously asked for within probation period. It is most unfortunate that a wedding was being planned because I fear it groups me in a selfish category instantaneously without considering I just needed to let people know before they bought tickets. Please do not mix up that just because I had plans that this was my motivation for calling her that day. Not at all. Not ever. It just happened to be a practicality I needed to sort out for other people. I hated, hated, hated, that I needed to know but I did. Hopefully people are grown up enough to know when people are all taking leave from work for you and buying tickets, you need to let them know if plans change asap. Unfortunately time was pressing for those people.
2. My sister has a long history of being incosiderate with returning phone calls/communicating when trying to organise something. Often, my partner and I sit at home on a weekend waiting for her to return a text or phone call to see what time we should meet her somewhere. My parents know about this and so does my partner which is why they understand my frustration with her. Often she’s out with friends or just relaxing and feels there’s no need to communicate. She also is very guilty of calling me repeatedly if I do not pick up or calling me at whatever hour if my parents do not pick up (I’m talking 40 calls in a row once) so I really feel people are focusing on the calling aspect too much. I only called her 3 times that day to plan. She said “go to mum and dad’s on Friday” I asked what time when Friday came around and she said she would let me know and never did. She ended up just not going.
3. I feel my sister has repeatedly been emotionally abusive throughout my life. My parents love us both of course but even they have confessed when things like this happen that they don’t know why she treats me the way she does. This situation was simply the last straw for me. If my fiance ever yelled at my family, I would have called family after and apologised or at least talked about it. Nothing from her at all. The only thing I heard from her was through mum saying she was upset they were angry with her and her husband and how this proved they loved me more. This thread was really just asking if I need to invite my sister if I am now through with her antics.
4. With regards to being there with my family when she told them- She asked me if I would like to come and thus I asked if she was okay with my being there. Sorry for ommitting the first part originally. She said yes and to be sure, I asked her over nad over if she was sure. She always said yes. I do appreciate that perhaps this was not how she felt. She did, after all, not tell me when she was engaged (at all, I found out after a few weeks from my parents who did not realise she hadn’t told me) so yes, I should have known that perhaps she wanted space. I guess I just hoped she meant the invite genuinely.
5. I would never ask her to tell people she was pregnant before she was ready. Just to clarify because I don’t like what’s being suggested, she told noone else. She asked if I was going to tell people as I cancelled and I said no, don’t be silly. We just had to tell everyone the wedding was off because some people could not make it and we wanted everyone there. Granted the excuse wasn’t the best but I’m not about to make her announce something she doesn’t need to. I do not care about any of this, once again, my wedding is whatever, but I never forced her in to telling me/others about her pregnancy. Family were furious at us for cancelling because it for no real specific reason when pressed and I’d happily accept that again to protect her and her emotions whenever she needed it. Any day of the week.
Thank you all for your input and feedback. I will take it all on board and many apologies if I came across as cold. Please consider though that my brother in law essentially threatened me and that my sister offered no apology for that. This is the problem and I have reached tipping point with excuses for her behaviour throughout my life. My parents and my partner are with me on this, they were there, they know us both, have heard both tearful sides, and I know in my gut what happened and our history together and how to interpret things. I don’t even care about what my brother in law did, I care that she let him do that to me and didn’t call me after. This is why I am upset and this is why I’m considering being done with her. It suprises me that this is not what people took from the story, more she had the right to be pissed because I called her to see what time I should meet her for something she organised and because I needed to know for other people if I should start calling around to cancel a plan (which I was happy to do and don’t care about- other people do care though if they’ve booked tickets).
I will extend the invite to her after hearing your advice.