(Closed) Can I not invite my sister because of what happened?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 93
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you called your sister too much. My 19 year old brother calls me at least two times a day. If I don’t want him to call, I say I’m busy so I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I can’t imagine being up all night crying over three phone calls. 

Personally, I would just not call her. Have no contact with her. I’d probably invite her, but I would otherwise not reach out to her at all. If she condoned/defended her husbands behavior, I would take that as she agrees with him and does not want contact with you. I would be the bigger person and not contact her at all (respecting their “wishes”), but invite her and be mature about it. If she still wants to be a part of this big event in your life, she can decide for herself how to apologize & deal with it. I don’t think you owe her an apology. And her hubands behavior was horrible.. absolutely horrible. No one deserves to be treated that way, and he not only disrespected you, but your parents as well. 

Post # 95
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Holy moly I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!! I wish I had words of advice, but instead of repeating what everyone else has already said…I am sending a thousand hugs your way. That’s just unacceptable. I feel bad for your sister because if this is how her husband behaves when he is mad, then their relationship is basically abusive. 

Post # 96
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

I read your first post and I think what you did was fine. Instead of seeing it as “robbing” them of annoucing when they wanted to I think you were really nice not to schedule a wedding so far away when they wouldn’t be able to make it. If she didn’t want you at your parents when she told them she should have told you. She’s a grown F-ing adult, she has words and I’m sure knows how to use them. Listen, pregnancy is tough, I know. It doesn’t give you any right though to be an asshat. Your brother in law and your sister need to grow up. If this asshole raised his hand at me he would be CUT OFF.

 

I’m with you on this one, OP.

Post # 97
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, you really kept your composure! I would not have been happy, and my Fiance would have been raging pissed. If this were my Brother-In-Law he would not be walking back to raise his hand at me because had my Fiance been there, he would already have been knocked out on the floor.

Post # 98
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

OP, I feel for you! I think your sister and Brother-In-Law reacted REALLY inappropriately. There is no way I would invite someone who threatened me with physical violence the way your Brother-In-Law did. In what world is that ok?? In front of your parents and right after you gave them a large gift, no less.

I think you should not invite her. It sounds like she is quite self-centered anyway, and I wouldn’t want someone I have resentment towards to show up at my wedding.

Post # 99
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nanacholito:  Thank you so much for your clarification, that means so much!  I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much pain.  I think you have made the right decision to invite your sister and now it is up to her whether to accept or not.  ((HUGS)).  I wish you all the best. 

Post # 100
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper

Sorry-Long Reply

I thought about this a lot.  I have been the “bigger person” before-and sometimes it can bite you in the butt.  However, if you don’t invite them, don’t expect to have a relationship with them later. 

I would NOT invite them, because

  they both are very disrespectful to you.  I’d hate to have them taint your memories of your day due to their disrespectful behavior at your wedding -or possibly even later-them talking disrespectfully to others about your day and having you hear it from others.  (Personal experience here.)

  ” I feel my sister has repeatedly been emotionally abusive throughout my life. My parents love us both of course but even they have confessed when things like this happen that they don’t know why she treats me the way she does.”

  “It’s very likely she will cry on the day and cause a scene and he will hate me because he’ll say I’ve made her upset. Pretty much garunteed to happen.” 

I can’t find it, but I think you also said something about how your parents think about how your sister will treat you after they are gone.  

However, if you want to continue to have a relationship with your sister and  feel like you can deal with her drama, or surround yourself with others, and ignore them, or have other friends and family shoo them away so that you don’t even have to see them or deal with their drama, go ahead and invite them.  

(FWIW-I hope that your parents have a will, and will give you everything personal item they would like you to have before they pass on!)

I wish you the very best on your wedding day.

Post # 101
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Ah, sorry! I see your post now about wanting to close it 😉 it was all kind words only!

Post # 102
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

@nanacholito

I’m sorry that you don’t have the close, loving relationship you seem to want with your sister. From all that you’ve posted on this thread, it appears you try your best to treat her as you would like to be treated yourself. And she doesn’t realize the value or that or reciprocate your gift.  And then she treats you poorly, which hurts and confuses you.  So you try to suck it up and be the bigger person, and again, she craps on you.  It has been said that the best prediction of the future is past behaviour.  And also, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.  And that you can’t change anybody else; you can only change yourself (and how you react to them).

You’ve unwittingly, and with the best intentions, given your sister all the tools to disrespect, inconvenience, and downright abuse you.  You can choose to stop this.  Right now your sister has the place in the family as the most very special snowflake who everybody dances attendance on and bows to her (and her assh0le husband’s) whims. Drop the rope.

That means:

No more waiting for your sister.  If she can’t answer your call, or return your call in a timely fashion, or get back to you so you can make group plans – DON’T WAIT. Go ahead and make plans that best suit you, and whatever you do – don’t change them to be convenient to her should she deign to respond late (after you’ve made plans) and starts demanding accomodations.  

No more allowing your sister to “one-up” you.  Forgive me if I sound jaded here, but the timing of this pregnancy is just too coincidental. Is she still (really) pregnant?  If not, then it could have been faked to draw attention off you as you were planning your wedding.  And if so, then she’s going to use it to milk as much attention from you as she can. Expect there to be drama galore as she’s already shown herself to be very precious, most speshul snowflake evah!  I mean really, being dehydrated & exhausted by traffic to the point of needing an immediate nap  *could* happen. But the indicator that it’s manipulation is that everybody else had to sit and wait (read: do nothing) until the princess awoke from her slumber.  A normal (read: non-jealous, non-attention wh0re) person would say “hey guys, I’m really tired & need to take a nap right now.  Don’t wait for me; I’ll join up with you later and/or next time.”

No more allowing your sister to treat you like crap or to condone her man treating you like crap, without consequences.  She made a mountain out of a molehill and wound her DH up to the point that he exploded on you.  That’s called abuse by proxy. Neither of them has given you a true, heartfelt apology.  (What your Brother-In-Law gave you is called a non-apology, and shouldn’t be accepted).  The consequences from their behaviour, is that you will not invite them to your reception.  (And back to point #2, if you DO invite them, you can expect for your sister to cause a scene/prod Brother-In-Law into making a scene to draw attention to her & off you.) 

No more “being the better person” and sucking up the abuse to “keep the peace” because “you know how your sister is”.  Either your parents screwed up on raising her to be a good person (so why should you be punished for their mistake), OR there’s something toxic in her (so why would you keep exposing yourself to that).  Step out of the peacekeeper/scapegoat role and drop the rope with her.  Go live your life and be happy with your FDH!  It will be your sister’s choice whether she chooses to treat you poorly and not share your life, or if she chooses to treat you well and be a part of your life. Hopefully, she’ll choose the latter and you’ll have the relationship with her you always dreamed of.  But don’t hold your breath.  She’s made her bed; now let her lie in it.

 

Post # 103
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@nanacholito:  I am sorry you had to explain yourself to Bees who jumped to the wrong conclusion. I knew what you meant the whole time.

Good luck my dear planning your wedding. I still saw go back to your original plans!

Post # 104
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

*support*

Another thing: You cannot MAKE someone cry. You cannot FORCE someone to feel anything at all. Even if you were truly being mean to her (in theory; I know you weren’t) she can still stand up for herself. She can still say “You’re being mean and I won’t allow this conversation to continue.” You cannot be made to feel guilty about someone crying for hours. I know someone who tries to pull that crap – yes, you can hurt someone’s feelings, and make them feel bad, but they can also take that and run with it, and be really dramatic – which it sounds like your sister was doing.

You did not MAKE her cry for hours. It’s possible for you to upset someone, you cannot MAKE them feel a certain way. She made the choice, whatever it was that you said, to interpret it in an awful way and be dramatic about it and latch on to your perceived unfairness or whatever.

If someone says something awful to me, I usually choose to react in a constructive way. I’ll talk it out with someone else. I’ll conclude that the person being awful to me is just an awful person, and it has nothing to do with me.

That is the best advice I ever got from my therapist. I used to suffer guilt all the time over how I “made” people around me feel; she pointed out that even if you’re awful to someone, they can choose to cry, or they can choose to laugh at how awful you are, or they can choose to completely disregard it. Can’t let yourself feel guilty over her actions. You can only control your own.

Post # 105
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LuvMySailor:  I don’t think any Bees jumped to the wrong conclusion. 

I think we are trying to help her see that the basic and most important element in this situation is that this is her SISTER she is talking about.  And she says now that her parents are “taking her side.”  I fault her parents, really, for all this sibling rivalry.  They should have put a stop to this nonsense many years ago! 

It is crystal-clearly evident to me that the OP LOVES her sister, dearly.  They are both torn up about this.  I’m so happy that she is inviting her sister and hope they can move forward and count their blessings – they have so much to be thankful for!

Post # 106
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

this is so tough…. I think that you take the high road…. invite her and let them decide.  I feel terrible for you.  I can’t imagine if one of my brother’s pulled this crap. 

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