(Closed) Can I not invite my sister because of what happened?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 107
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The accusation that the OP was hoping her sister’s baby was dead was enough for me to think that the sister is aggressive. That’s a despicable thing to say to someone. 3 phonecalls or not.

Post # 108
Member
1395 posts
Bumble bee

I haven’t read all of the comments, but I am really in shock at the amount of people who are focusing on the number of times you called your sister, and anyone who says that you seem like you were more focused on YOUR wedding than HER baby.

Weddings and babies are equally important events in my eyes.

You had your wedding planned, they got pregnant, and you cancelled your wedding.  I’m not really seeing how that was selfish, on your part.  You could’ve just went on with your wedding and said, “Screw them!”  But you cancelled your wedding for them. 

About the calling thing, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’d be calling my sister to find out if she really was pregnant before cancelling my wedding for sure.  If the doctor’s test had been negative, then you wouldn’t have had to cancel your wedding.  So you needed to know!  As far as the other calling, I don’t see a problem with it.  If 10 PM is a normal time for your sister and her DH to be awake, there’s nothing wrong with it. 

From now on, though, I wouldn’t focus so much on involving your sister in things you do if she isn’t going to be cooperative.  I don’t know if it is a cultural thing for you, or what, but if I want to go and visit my mother, I go and visit my mother.  I don’t call and consult with my sister first.  If she’s there too, then great.  If she’s not, it’s not the end of the world.  We don’t all have to be together everytime.

Her husband seems a little strange.  Honestly, I am confused by that whole situation.  Once again, maybe it is a cultural thing, but if someone reacted that way towards me in front of my parents or Fiance, he would no longer have legs to stand on.

I would say invite them and let them decide what they are going to do.  That way, you come out looking like the bigger person.  Sit them far away from you and avoid mingling with them too long at the reception.

ETA: Just saw your update about wanting to close the thread, sorry if I accidentally revived it OP.  Just know that I am in support of whatever decision you make regarding the sister situation at your wedding =]

Post # 109
Member
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@VegasSukie:  Your summary was perfect.

Brother-In-Law is still a raging tool, though.

Post # 110
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@nanacholito: I am so sorry you have had to deal with all this!!  Your Brother-In-Law sounds terrible.  I don’t care how stressed, frustrated, sleep deprived you are–no one ever has a right to threaten the safety of another person!  (Esepcially family!)  I would never tolerate that kind of behavior from my Fiance.  

I would absolutely not want him at my wedding, unless he did some serious apologizing and you two had an honest conversation about why he reacted the way he did that night.  If he thinks you did something wrong, he needs to talk to you about it like an adult, not threaten you.  I gather from the rest of your posts that if he explains that you really did so something wrong that upset your sister, you will absolutely and honestly apologize for it.  Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t (personally, I do not think calling your sister to ask something like “are you pregnant? I need to know so that I can cancel my wedding to suit you!” or wanting to share in a very special family moment are “wrong,”), but you’ll never know unless he acts like an adult and tells you. Calmly. That’s on him, not you. 

That being said, not inviting a sibling to a wedding seems to have long-term consquences.  Think about it in the future–do you think you would regret not having your sister there a year later? Ten years later? I myself am an only child, so I’m not sure how I would feel.  

I would love to say invite sister and not him, but that also seems complicated.  Unless you think him being there would ruin your day, I second the most recent posters and say invite them and let them decide. 

Post # 111
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

AHHH he’s a nut job and i wouldn’t want him at my birthday no less my wedding…and she seems like she is just as nutty and i don’t blame you but it may piss them off even more.

Post # 112
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

urgh! This is terrible. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t invite them. I wouldn’t invite HIM at least. Seriousl wouldn’t. What an ass…….

Post # 113
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Zanne54:  This is an awesome post! My sister is very much like OP’s so I totally understand…and I’m not inviting her and her bf to my wedding. I know my mother will be bothered by it but my sister made her choice…and I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 years. We were best friends and had a small business together but some things are not worth your sanity. I walked away from it all(lost out financially) and my life has been peaceful since!

Post # 114
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I wouldn’t even want them at my wedding. Your Brother-In-Law had NO right to speak to you like that. I don’t blame you one bit for being furious. He obviously has no respect for you and I don’t take lack of respect lightly. You called her 3 times throughout the entire day. I hardly think that’s excessive. Maybe she’s overly emotional but she doesn’t get a free crazy pass for 9 months just because she’s pregnant. Crying for hours because of a harmless phone call is ridiculous and you shouldnt have to use kid gloves around her. Plenty of women are able to remain almost completely sane through their pregnancies. If your sister has other issues, she should seek professional help.

As for your wedding, while you probably did kind of force them to make the announcement earlier than they wanted to, you had a reason. You were going to book your wedding and you had to know whether or not to go through with it. Babies are important but so are weddings and you had every right to inquire so that you could make your final decisions. Should you have put off booking your wedding for 3 months so that they could take their time? Thats hardly fair to you and your fiance. They didn’t have to confirm anything but they chose to. You changed your whole wedding because of her pregnancy. That has to count for something. 

I don’t really think you did anything wrong and I DO think that your Brother-In-Law owes you a proper apology. While he’s at it, maybe some anger management classes, too. I wouldn’t be able to get over that so easily and it’s certainly not something I’d ever forget. If someone waves their fist in my face, my fist will punch theirs (face, not fist, lol). 

(Ok, now to read the rest of the thread.)

Post # 115
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m really confused as to how some PP’s think that calling someone 3 times throughout the course of an entire day is “non-stop”. 3 times in an hour? Ok, 3 times in a 12 hour period? Not so much. The fact that she was up until 2am is her problem. She obviously has some kind of hormone imbalance or something. That’s definitely not the OP’s fault. Also, didn’t the OP say that’s he was waiting to hear from her sister so she could make her own plans? If you ask me, her sister was the rude one for not replying sooner. She shouldn’t have to wait on her. Sorry but you can’t use pregnancy as an excuse for poor manners. 

While we’re at it OP, unless you actually said something negative about your sister being pregnant while you’re getting married, her comment about “wanting the baby to die” or whatever is kind of crazy. If she’s this far gone so early in her pregnancy, what are the next however any months going to be like? Honestly, I think she needs to speak to her doctor about her hormones. 

Post # 116
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hey OP, Im REALLY shocked by the amount of people turning it around on you.  I’m wondering if everyone except me (and you, haha) have far more idyllic relationships with their siblings.

My sister and I have had some huuuuuuuuge fights. We’ve told each other we hated each other, gone months without speaking to each other, called each other every name in the book, you name it – we’ve fought about it…

…but if my Fiance  ever EVERRRRR spoke to my sister like your sisters husband spoke to you, I’d be the first one telling him where he could shove it, and that he could take a cab home by himself and cool the eff off, and that if he EVER dared to speak to my sister like that again, he’d be gone. Done. BuhBye.    And if either my Fiance or my sisters boyfriend spoke like that to one of us in front of my dad?! He’d be dragged out of the house by the collar of his shirt and given a lecture about respect that he wouldn’t forget any time soon. 

That being said, I would invite your sister, and tell her that her husband can stay at home until he’s ready to offer you AND your father an actual apology. 

Post # 117
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

@mandypop:  Seriously. If my husband (or anyone really) ever spoke to my sis like that,they would be in a serious world of hurt. 

Post # 118
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow…I’m so sorry you have to go through this.  Even though she’s your sister, you have no obligation to invite her or her husband (or anyone else you don’t want there!) to your celebrations. It seems like you’ve gotten a bit of abuse for this post, and I know that many people feel like there is some kind of excusal for family no matter what awful things they do to you, but that’s simply not the case.

My Fiance and I are considering eloping, but even if we don’t, I won’t be inviting my brother to my wedding celebrations. He’s shown many signs of being a sociopath and has verbally threatened and assulted me on quite a few recent occasions, even in front of my own parents. Family or not, I do not want someone like that in my life; and it’s not like I chose him to be my family in the first place.

You do, however, choose your spouse to be a part of your family – just as your sister has done with hers. How her husband treated you reflects on her as well; even though he is her husband, if she cared about you as a sister she would have stood up for you if she really felt he was wrong in his behaviour.  Simply put, what your sister’s spouse did was inexcusable, and you should feel no pressure to invite either of them to your wedding.

I think that with all that’s happened your relationship with her is already at a point where it would be difficult to repair, and extending an invite probably won’t help to make amends, but rather push things under the rug until the next drama (which hopefully wouldn’t occur at your wedding!). Of course, not inviting her will make it clear where you two stand, but in the long run maybe it will even be a good thing? As in, if she is not the kind of person you want in your life, it would be easy to make a clean break of it. On the other hand, if she isn’t invited maybe she’ll realise how much she’s hurt you and how her behaviour has negetavely impacted your relationship to the point you can’t celebrate your nuptuals with her, and she will make a concerted effort to repair things.

Ultimately, your wedding is YOUR day and how you celebrate it is up to YOU and your Fiance. Even if your family does not agree with the decisions you make, they should be happy to go along with what you choose in support of YOU. The last thing you want is to do something your gut feeling tells you not to, and risk ruining your day.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

 

Post # 119
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Just read your reply, OP… nooooo!!! Don’t invite her! If you invite her you’re giving her and hubby the green light to act the way they have been doing!

You know what I would do, after sleeping on it… I would have my destination wedding, as originally planned. Don’t send her a STD or invite, but instead then send her a nice card or something saying “After a lot of thought, we decided to have our wedding abroad after all, rather than to elope. This is because it is a once in a lifetime experience, and it is what we really wanted. I understand that you cannot attend the wedding because of the baby, and I am sorry about this. However, the baby is a blessing, and I am very excited for you! I hope that after the wedding then we can meet up and have a girly recap about our lives. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and will always be my sister xxx” or some such stuff. After that, it’s up to her to make the next move…

Don’t listen to the people who were so negative… they clearly can’t read between the lines and see that you have a toxic family member (maybe they’ve never had one themselves?). Zanne54 said it best… no more waiting on her to be a special snowflake! just live your life and stop stressing out over her. *hugs*

Post # 120
Member
1788 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think calling family members multiple times or late at night is WAY different than calling some average person multiple times.  A PP said this is harassment, well- not really when it’s  a family member.  My mom is notorious for losing her phone, and we’ll all call her a million times a day until she finally answers.  If my sister has something she needs to tell me, or something is going on, she will repeatedly call me until she gets in touch with me.  And I would never care if she or my brother or another family member called me at 10pm at night.  They can call me whenever they want.  I am always happy to hear from them, and I would never blow off multiple calls from them.  And I’m pregnant.  So pregnant has nothing to do with that!  Hormones or not, I still love my family and would never treat them like that!

As far as her husband goes – OMG.  How horribly disrespectful to you, your parents, and also to his wife!  That is just not acceptable, and his “apology” was a waste of breath.  No matter what happened, he should NEVER talk to you or your family that way.

That being said – this may be a long shot – do you ever worry that there is something “more” going on here with him and your sister?  He seems like he has a major temper problem, and possibly a control problem (it’s very strange to think it’s okay to talk to family that way, and it sounds like he was trying to “control” you through use of anger, and by default, kind of threatening you!)…Do you think that she is not able to answer sometimes because of something that he is doing or giving her a hard time about?  Or maybe he wants to control her relationship with you, as a way of controlling her?

It just seems like there is something deeper going on here, because that is such alarming and abnormal behavior.

Her saying “You don’t know what I went through last night…”  Is it possible that he gets pissed that you’re calling her because maybe he (for whatever reason) doesn’t want her talking to you as much or at that time, and he gets angry and takes his anger out on her?  I can’t imagine a case where repeated phone calls from your sister could ever make someone say that.  Unless there was more to the story.

As far as not inviting her to your wedding – that is truly drawing a line in the sand that you can never go back from.  And I don’t know if you should do that without knowing what’s REALLY going on here.  I think it’s a lot more than meets the eye.  Dude is crazy.

Post # 121
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jholler25: I agree. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was more to their story (meaning the sister/BIL). Normal people don’t freak out like that, especially over something as small as a phone call at 10pm which is not that late. It sounds to me like the OP’s Brother-In-Law may very well be abusive or at least extremely controlling. If that’s the case, I feel really bad for her and her unborn child. That’s not a healthy situation to be having a baby in. 

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@mandypop & 
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@SoupyCat: I agree with you ladies, too. I’m an only child so I don’t understand that whole sibling dynamic but I consider my closest girlfriends to be more like my sisters than my friends. If my husband ever spoke to one of them the way that this guy spoke to the OP, I would have completely lost my shit. That’s a HUGE red flag if I ever saw one.

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