Post # 1
I know that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not that important, but I think I feel bummed about the lack of showers and presents because it’s so built into the whole wedding experience (okay, the wedding industrial complex).
Yes, I know I shouldn’t be materialistic, and it’s not the gifts, but the fun that I’m bumming on missing out on too.
We’ve been engaged since the December 2010 holidays, and we had to keep it downlow because of work. But once we were out, no one offered to throw a party, so we didn’t have one.
And I don’t think that there’ll be a shower because my bridesmaids seem to be in debt up to their ears now (btw, I’m not having them buy dresses or anything), and my sister is in college. One bridesmaid keeps saying things like, “I don’t think people are going to give you any gifts – people are cutting back nowadays.” Guess I’ll have to nix an out-of-town bachelorette given that!
We registered for gifts a year ago, and no one has bought a single gift (EDIT I said this because it sounds like other brides do receive gifts beforehand because of showers and such).
My mom isn’t one of those fussy moms, so she hadn’t been super involved until I paid her after she was laid off so she could help me with some planning I was too busy with work to contend with. My sister hasn’t called much or provided many ideas even though she works in event planning.
Am I a bad person for feeling bummed on missing out on this stuff?
Post # 3
@zagora: No you are not. So there is no one to throw you a shower whatsoever? No aunt or cousin? I was bummed because we didn’t receive as much as I had hope. I’m not going to lie I was hoping for the $4k that my friend got at hers. We got about half that. What’s important is that you are marrying your life love.
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel that way at all. I think we all have certain expectations of the way the whole wedding process will go, and when things don’t go that way it’s only natural to feel disappointed.
One thing I will say is May 2012 is still VERY far away in terms of gift-buying….I’m lucky if I buy a wedding gift a week before the weddings I go to-it’s usually the day before, or even the day of. It’s just not really on my radar until then. So don;t worry too much about the gifts.
If you are worried about showers, etc I really think you should talk to your girls…..a lot of people think a shower has to be a big, expensive to-do, and that might be what’s throwing them off. Maybe tell them that you would be fine with something smaller if that’s what they can afford. Maybe they just don’t want to let you down?
Post # 5
I didn’t have a shower, and at first I was bummed out about it. But it didn’t make sense to have one because there weren’t enough people in one place to warrant a shower and since everyone had to travel for the wedding, it felt not right to ask people to travel just to give me gifts too.
As for nothing being bought off the registry yet, don’t worry about it. We got a few things right after putting our registries up but the vast majority came in the few weeks before and after the wedding.
Also, my bachelorette ended up getting cut super short and people couldn’t come because it happened to be in NYC the same weekend as Hurricane Irene. That really sucked too especially since my own sister (MOH) couldn’t risk coming and getting stuck in NYC.
But, despite all that, my wedding was amazing, the guests were very generous, and looking back everything turned out great.
I completely understand feeling down right now, I’ve been there. (((Hugs))) to you.
Post # 6
Could they throw you a pot luck shower? Not necessarily asking every guest to bring food, but they could have it at someone’s house, each bring an app, and a few other women youre close to (mom, aunt, whatever) could each bring something. They could do email invites, just serve coffee & punch, etc. It wouldn’t cost much. I threw my sister a baby shower for $75, if those costs would’ve been split several ways, it would’ve been really cheap. Ps sorry you’re feeling this way 🙁
Post # 7
I don’t think people normally start buying you gifts off of your registry until they are invited to either a shower or your wedding, so I’m not sure why you are upset that nobody has gotten you a gift yet. I agree that showers don’t have to be expensive, and perhaps your friends are just trying to keep it a secret, but you may want to ask your mother or sister if they have heard anything about a shower and if you BMs aren’t planning to do one maybe you can help your mom/sister plan it. I definitely scaled back my bachelorette party because I wanted to make sure that certain friends would be able to attend, which I have no regrets about at all.
I think your BM’s comments about people not getting gifts because of the economy is simply not true (I live in the DC area as well and I didn’t experience anything like that), though maybe she is preparing your for the fact that she doesn’t plan to get you a gift because of her personal financial situation.
Post # 8
Thanks for the responses. They’re definitely making me feel better.
Is it appropriate, though, to even say something to my friends? I feel bad asking them, “will you throw me a small potluck shower” for some reason. If it’s fairly common to initiate and ask, I can definitely do that.
My sister and mom are each in different states than me, and I don’t have any aunts or other female relatives in the country – so it’s just friends. Some of my bridesmaids are out of state too.
With regard to the registry, I just meant that there haven’t been any engagment parties or showers, hence no gifts yet. (Although as I said, one bridesmaid is saying I shouldn’t expect to receive gifts at the wedding, given the economy…)
Post # 9
Since you’re wedding is in May they may not even be planning it yet (or maybe they are and just not telling you, a surprise?)… I would assume the shower/party would be in April, invites out in March? If you still think they’re not doing anything I would talk to your maid of honor about starting with plans or hand out a list of people you want to invite so they understand that you are planning on receiving a shower.
A friend of mine whose wedding I was in actually rented a hotel conference room for the party, and then we (the bridesmaids) took care of everything else – cold sandwiches (ham and turkey with fresh buns and all the condiments), salads, cake, chips, etc. We probably spent less than $100 but it was still a great party.
As for gifts off the registry… I wouldn’t expect gifts till the wedding? But it’s not common to get/give engagement gifts in my family/friends.
Post # 10
I don’t think you’re a bad person at all for feeling like this! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’d definitely feel bummed if showers weren’t being thrown for me (which I think is going to happen). I’m sure there’s lots of advice on how to hint to your bridesmaids and family that it’s important to you but I can’t really think of anything at the moment. Just keep in mind, at the end of this, you’ll be with wife of the many you love. ((hugs))
Post # 11
I know how you feel about not wanting to ask for parties. I feel that way, too. I actually was sure my friends would not throw a shower or bachelorette party for me. They’re not exactly the best planners, they have a lot going on in their lives right now, and we all live far away. I told my fiance that I was kind of bummed, and his response was something like “These are your close friends. Be honest with them, they’re not mind readers. You’re not expecting them to shell out a lot of cash. Just tell them ‘Hey guys, I really love the idea of having a party/get together to celebrate getting married, would you be interested in putting something together? I can help with money/plans'”. I thought it was very wise of him. Your BMs are supposed to be your nearest and dearest. Just tell them how you feel and let them know you understand & respect their financial & personal situations, but you’d love if you could all work together and plan a day to celebrate with the girls. To my surprise, my girls actually offered to throw me a shower without me asking for it. They had assumed my mom was throwing me a shower, and when they asked when I thought it would be, I said “She’s not planning to throw me one, I’m kinda bummed” and they offered up “Oh, well, we’ll throw you one then, you should definitely get one!”
By The Way, one compromise I did make was agreeing to have my shower on the Saturday before Easter, that way all my Out of Town guests & BMs would already be in our hometown visiting family for Easter. Maybe you could work something like that out, too 🙂
Good luck, and know that, even if you don’t get a shower, people don’t love you any less!
Post # 12
I think you can bring it up tactfully… like “So, I was thinking that since times are tough, we should have a potluck for my shower at one of yours or my houses instead of a catered one. Plus, I have a ton of time in March, so I can help you guys plan. How does that sound?”
And I agree with PP that you registered too soon to be getting gifts. Most people, unless you have an engagement party, wont even look for your registry until they are invited to a shower or wedding.
Post # 13
@ohmybears48: Thanks! 🙂
We registered early (heck, my invitations were addressed mid-year) because we work in politics and we knew this year would be ridiculous.
Post # 15
I personally feel like everyone should get a wedding shower. It’s part of the whole wedding experience and (most) people only get married once! If no one is willing to throw you one / can’t afford it then throw your own! Make it small and only invite your BM’s and family. A shower doesn’t have to be big and extravagant. You can have a small backyard barbeque or a brunch at a restaurant nearby. Or like someone mentioned above: make it a potluck style. Have everyone bring a dish! I am sure that there are plenty of smaller / cheaper items on your registry that your in debt bridesmaids can afford. Or just tell your bridesmaids that they don’t have to buy you a gift. Just because they can’t afford it doesn’t mean you should have to suffer or that the other members of your family can’t afford it!
Post # 16
@zagora: I am sorry about that OP. Luckily, my sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor and is a bit older and very invested in my shower. I wish you had someone to do that for you! I am in DC too, so I will say this, if you don’t have someone gun-ho like my sister, it can be difficult to find affordable venues! I hate to hijack your thread, but where would you think to have a shower if it was in DC? Everything seems costly, and maybe that is why your girls are having trouble pulling something off?