(Closed) Can I please be a big selfish b!tch for a minute?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2496 posts
Buzzing bee

Solution: since DH is sick and hasn’t planned anything anyway, take his credit card and buy yourself a birthday present, a DVD, a fancy cupcake from a fancy bakery, and take-out from your favorite place. Then, put on your pajamas and enjoy! It’s not what you wanted, but it’s the next best thing.

Post # 4
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@dannielle89:  I can understand your feelings, love!  Honest.    

Sadly, girls are planners, boys are not.  I love my husband, but realistically I know he waits until the day before (and sometimes day of) an event to purchase a card for me.    It’s similar to my father; he shops the night before Christmas. LOL.  They don’t think about things the way women do.  To women, “the thought counts” really holds true.  


Post # 5
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The fact that you think you’re acting like a big selfish bitch miiiiight be enough of a clue to let you know that yes, this is ridiculous.

You love birthdays so YOU went to all that effort for him.

But I could not care less about birthdays, so maybe I’m biased. Everyone has them, year after year and I really don’t understand making a big hoo haa, unless you’re a kid or hitting an age ‘milestone’.


Post # 6
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Birthdays haven’t been a big deal for me; I don’t really care that much. So this probably won’t help you… but my fiance’s birthday is on the 21st, and I wanted to get something or do something for him, but we figure any money I spend… it’s basically our money, so… it’s like spending money on himself. haha. He just said we could go out to dinner or something. I’m going to try to think up something unique or somewhere interesting, but we just sort of see it as spending our own money on ourselves, so it’s not really as “gifty” as it would be if we weren’t engaged. = 

That being said… maybe you can ask your husband if after he feels better, you guys can do something special for your birthday? It’d be delayed, but it would let him know you WANT to do something. You can say something like “I don’t really know what I’d to do for my birthday, but I want to spend it with you and I’d like it to be special. If you could help me think up something, or even surprise me if you’d like, I’d be really thrilled. But mostly I want to just do something with you to celebrate, but after you’re feeling better.” 

You might not really get to do much on your birthday, but he can’t help being sick. So maybe you should pretend your birthday is next week or so, and then do something to celebrate it then?

Post # 7
5009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

Perhaps he is surprising you. I don’t have anything delivered to the house for DH’s birthday or Christmas (nor does he). At least get to your birthday before deciding that he has failed.

Post # 8
1900 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Of course you can feel upset and disappointed!! You clearly put a lot of thought and effort into his birthday, and he doesn’t seem to be returning the favour.

Having said that, though, there is a good chance he just doesn’t view birthdays the way you do, and may not see the point in going all-out for your birthday the way you did for his (to be honest, I think that was an incredibly extravagant birthday, unless it was some kind of milestone birthday?), so he may feel a little outdone? My fiance and I generally agree not to make a big deal of birthdays, otherwise one ends up spending/doing more, and feelings can get hurt that way.

As another poster said, I think just grab his credit card and spoil yourself a little with a nice day at home with him. It may not be the big deal you wanted (and it sucks that he’s not planning it himself), but unless you’re gonna come right out and tell him exactly what you want, I think you’re stuck feeling like this.

Post # 9
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

And can I point out that men are big babies when they are sick???  DH got sick a month ago…an intestinal thing.  I took care of him like crazy then just as he started feeling better, I got sick with a severe cold.  He was still trying to get over what he had so I took care of us both….then just as I got over it, he got it.  And whined and cried about how terrible he felt.  Trying to get him to take medicine was like pulling teeth…and his cold lasted a few days longer but I still took care of him. 

He’s finally better but during an emotional day, I told him that he didn’t do anything for me when I was sick….no meals, water, meds, etc.  I really hurt his feelings doing that though but I refused to let him think I wasn’t disappointed.

Take his c/c and remind him that when he gets better, you want to celebrate….maybe that will give some extra time to plan…maybe!


Post # 10
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think doing something nice for yourself on the day (on his credit card if that makes you feel better!) AND telling him you want to celebrate after he’s better are both good ideas!

I don’t think it’s true that girls are necessarily always planners and boys aren’t; my husband’s definitely a planner and I’m not. But it is true that some people value birthdays a lot and plan for them, and some people don’t. I’ve got a friend who always, always does something for her friends’ birthdays, no matter how busy she is — bakes a cake, arranges a meet-up, produces a present — whereas I often miss her birthday because I’m not that organised (I always get her something, just maybe it’ll get to her late). I feel a little bad about that and don’t know if she resents me for it, but I hope I make up for it by being a good friend in other ways — e.g. being available pretty much whenever she wants to hang out, listening when she wants to moan about her life or job or boyfriend, giving her random gifts at times that aren’t her birthday. If your husband is more like me I guess you just kind of have to accept it, and try to remember the things he is good at?

Post # 11
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I definitely understand where you’re coming from. My birthday is Thursday, and I already got ice cream cupcakes and a card from Future Mother-In-Law, and then we’re going to FFIL’s house Friday for the family birthday brownie tradition. I’ve never had someone do something super cool for my birthday anyway, and Fiance isn’t that creative (not to mention that he’s busy with classes 5x a week and all of our money is going into the bank for bills and the wedding). 

I gave up on having anyone else do anything cool on my birthday years ago. :

Post # 12
2390 posts
Buzzing bee

Sometimes when we can’t get the people we love to do what we want, we have to do it ourselves. Take yourself somewhere nice and try to not hold a grudge.

Post # 13
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@vorpalette:  Have a great Birthday!

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@dannielle89: How about celebrating a belated birthday?  You might have to do the planning (his treat of course), but you could wait until he feels better and then plan a big day for yourself.  It’s not exactly what you wanted, but at least you’ll be able to enjoy yourself with him. 

Guys just aren’t great at planning this stuff, so clear communication is key.  You can’t plan a big day for him and expect him to understand how important your birthday is to you.  I think if you explain your expectations to him (when he’s feeling better) he’ll get the point.  Either way, I hope you have a wonderful Birthday!

Post # 14
15133 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@theone99:  I’m with you 100%

OP, sorry you’re disappointed, but this is the man you married.  There’s no surprise here, big birthday planning and surprises just isnt his thing… apparently it never has been, and it probably will never be.  Either he’s going to change what he does, or you’re going to have to learn to change your expectations for your birthday, or you’re in for a big dissapointment every year.  (Sorry if this just sounds cold, but this is also coming from someone who couldnt care less about dates/anniversarys/birthdays).  I hope you have a great birthday and can celebrate it to your liking though!

Post # 15
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MissHobbit:  Ditto!

Happy (early) Birthday!  I’d go out and do something nice for myself, anyway.  Go out and do something fun for a bit.  Enjoy it! 

Post # 16
853 posts
Busy bee

I get where you’re coming from OP. I don’t think it’s just fair to say that this is the way he is and you knew this going in, so you should just accept it. If that were true, then why do people go to counselling or read relationship books or try to communicate with their spouse about problems? It’s about understanding what’s importavt to the other person and occasionally trying to cater to that, even if it’s not your habit. I mean, it’s not like you’re asking him to give up a passion or a hobby…just do for you what you have done for him, once a year. 

How long is it until your b’day? I would honestly just talk about it…in a playful, light-hearted manner but definitely bring it up. My SO and I communicate like that and I don’t know if it’s your and your SO’s style but it’s the only way to know for sure so you’re not disappointed on the day. Even though he’s sick at home, I’m sure he could pop out to get a small cake and some takeout and prepare a small picnic at home on your living room floor, as well as get a small present and flowers for you. You guys could go somewhere fancy or do something unusual when he feels better. 

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