(Closed) Can i say "No" to a shower?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Can I say "No" to FMIL hosting a shower.
    Yes : (38 votes)
    78 %
    Nope : (11 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3778 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @Swizzle:  I think you should tell your Future Mother-In-Law exactly what you just posted. “I really appreciate the sentiment, but I would feel incredibly uncomfortable having a shower.” Would you be willing to “compromise” by letting her have an “engagement party” for you?

     

    If it’s the idea of gifts at a shower that bother you, be explicit in telling her that you DO NOT want gifts, but if she insists on having a party, then you’ll be fine with letting her celebrate the two of you as a couple.

    Post # 4
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    We are also not having a shower for similar reasons and a few others. We’re having a destination wedding that very few people are able to come to and I just don’t feel comfortable having a shower and people bringing gifts when they can’t come to the wedding. We also have lived together for years and have everything we need. I told my family I would rather not have one for those reasons (as well as no gifts for the wedding). They were a little disappointed but understood. 

    I agree with PP that if she wants to throw an engagement party with no gifts, that could be a good compromise. They likely are just very excited for you guys and want to celebrate. At least you know that your future in-laws are thrilled to have you in their family!

    Post # 5
    Member
    1130 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @s2bmrscook:  +1

    My Maid/Matron of Honor asked if I wanted a shower and I said I appreciated the thought, but no. Both our families live far away so the only people coming would be friends and they are already shelling out a ton of money to travel to the wedding, so I didn’t want to have a party that exists really to give gifts. She said okay, and that was it.

    You’re perfectly with your rights to say (politely) thanks but no thanks. If they still really want to do it, I wouldn’t press the issue too much but maybe let your fiance deal with it since it’s his mother.

    Post # 7
    Member
    999 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Don’t know what it is with Mother in laws and throwing bridal showers, it’s a status thing, or showing you guys off kind of thing. I too did not want a shower, not my thing plus we have everything in our home. But Mother-In-Law still insisted, said that it has always been one of her things to do, always wanted to. So let her throw one. Turned out really beautifully. Glad I had it. Received many gift cards and even after a year still use them to redecorate house. I say let her do it. She’s a proud Mother-In-Law.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3778 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @Swizzle:  I think in that case you’re well within your rights to tell her, “Look, I appreciate that you want to do all of these things for me/us. I’m really not comfortable with all of this attention though. I agreed to having a larger wedding than I wanted. So, Please, can you let go of the shower/party idea? I really don’t want to do it, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I’m just really not comfortable with doing it.”

    Post # 9
    Member
    7311 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    I would tell Future Mother-In-Law that you would strongly prefer to not have any showers. But if she’s bound and determined to throw one, outright refusal over a shower is probably not a battle worth choosing.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee

    Mother-In-Law wanted to throw a shower just for DH’s side of the family and it became a “Welcome To The Family” type thing more than a shower.  She asked that no physical gifts or even cards be given, but she will have a “Gift Card Tree” for people to add to.  It was really nice to get to know some of the cousins I hadn’t yet and get to know my in-laws.  Like a PP has mentioned, the gift cards were awesome to have – and nowadays people can buy the Mastercard and Visa ones which you can use anywhere!

     

    If it’s something similar to that, I would just go with it.  I didn’t want it either, but I sat down with my Mother-In-Law and discussed it and it was something she really wanted to do for me and after he explaining the kind of party it was going to be, I went along with it.  I suggest you do the same, talk to your Future Mother-In-Law, explain your concerns and maybe you two can come up with a compromise.

    Post # 12
    Member
    6359 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Yes, you can say no. You’re the bride. I know how you feel because I didn’t want a shower either (and therefore didn’t have one).

    Post # 13
    Member
    540 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I did not want one either and my mother in law really wanted to throw one. I’m happy I let her do it. We enjoyed ourselves and I got to meet many people on my husbands side before the wedding. Our wedding was  a year ago and I still have gift cards from bed bath and beyond. Holding on to them because I want to buy some patio stuff for this summer.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee

    Of course you can.  You are never required to to have a party celebrating your relationship.

    Just tell her kindly that you appreciate the offer, but you really don’t want one.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    297 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Yes, of course you can say no! I’m in a very similar situation and am standing my ground. A wedding is about what the bride and groom want…not everybody else! I’m aware that it may hurt some feelings, but if somebody is going to hate me for doing what I want then they really don’t need to be in my life anyway. 

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