Post # 1
I’ve been doing my best over the last few months to not nag. No nagging allowed! Although we’ve had a few conversations about us getting married, I’ve never been the one to bring up the topic. Anyways…we had our first “big talk” about 8 months ago, and I know that he’s probably planning on proposing within the next year. In the mean-time, however, he keeps talking about all kinds of future stuff: “our kids” and “our wedding” and he jokes about “talking to your dad soon” and he finds cheap rings and twist-ties to put around my finger like a wedding ring (and then makes sad faces when I laugh and take them off).
He doesn’t have tons of money, I know, since he’s in Grad school, but he’s dropped hints that he’s saving for a ring. But I’m getting a little frustrated with all the “talk”. Is it OK for me to ask him (nicely) to stop? Although I would love to be engaged, I’m OK with not being engaged for another couple months…I just don’t want to feel like we’re something “ambiguous and in-between” if you know what I mean. I’ve been contemplating telling him that I feel like he’s “stringing me along” and that it does nothing more than to frustrate me!
As some of you know, come October I have to make big choices about what I’m doing next (that’s when my job ends and my lease ends). If he doesn’t propose by then, I may be moving out of state without him to pursue my career. All (and I mean ALL) of our friends are recently married/engaged (I went to 14 weddings last year alone) or having kids, so I’m starting to feel the pressure to get moving too. But the last thing I want to do is pressure him or even let him know that I’m feeling pressured.
Post # 3
My FI kept telling me “I’m gonna have to talk to your Dad soon..” But he had already like a month before. So I was surprised when he asked me-even though I knew it was coming at some point. He was kind of stringing me along. I don’t think I would say anything to your guy… it sounds like he knows where you stand- about making big decisions come October. If I were you I would just put up with it for 3 more months.
Post # 4
I dont know if there is a way for him to stop, or to tell him to stop. He sounds like he is being hopeful, but his hopeful-ness is becoming an annoyance to you, and it;s no longer funny. Maybe you should sit him down and have a genuine talk and say, where is this going, you know I have to leave, etc so you both know you;re on the same page. Because with all this teasing, you could be getting psyched up for something that may not happen.
Post # 5
I did. I told him unless he had the ring and was going to propose that it wasn’t fair and I didn’t want to hear about it. I just was so vulnerable at that time and didn’t want to keep hearing about it unless it was going to happen.
Post # 6
I, like, roxy821, told him to zip it. Well, not in those words but I stopped the wedding, proposal and ring talk. It was driving me nuts. Now he occasionally brings it up if he’s talking about finances, saving, plans, etc. He used to send me ideas of what he wants to wear on wedding day just when I had gotten over my most recent pity party. So I had to tell him to stop for my sanity.
Post # 7
if you do say something, try not to hurt his feelings.. it sounds more cute to me than annoying.
Then again, my husband didn’t bring it up at all until we got engaged, so I guess I don’t know what that’s like, heh.
Post # 8
My FI and I had talked a little about it before we got engaged, mostly just so he knew I was on the same page. It got to a point where I told him that I didn’t want to talk about it until it happened. I told him that I didn’t want to talk about it until we were engaged and not because I didn’t want to get engaged but that it was hard for me since I am a planner. The only times we would talk about it was if I brought it up due to me being overwhelmed by some aspect of engagements/weddings.
Post # 9
We had talked alot about getting married before we were actually engaged. Heck, we had most of the wedding planned before we were actually engaged!
BUT, there did come a point about 3 months before we got engaged where I told him I was done with the talking. It wasn’t fun to me anymore, and I was tired of thinking about it. I told him until I had a ring on my finger and knew it was for real, I didn’t want to plan any more of our wedding! Maybe it was a nag move, but he said he understood and it didn’t change his time frame on proposing to me at all…he still did it exactly when he was planning to. And I got a little peace of mind in the meantime!
Post # 10
Oh gosh, I’m in the same situation. he is constantly making conversation about our future and making no progress on getting a ring. This has gone on for over the past 6 months. I’m mostly annoyed because I know he has the means and mode but he just won’t spend the time and make the decision on what ring and buy it. We have been together for over 3 and a half years.
Post # 11
So is he pretty well-aware that you basically have to move on with your life in October then? I’m assuming you wouldn’t completely break up with him, but is he 100% aware of this deadline you have, that things will turn into an LDR unless you’re planning on getting married? If you haven’t told him about your plans to move, etc., you might want to (carefully) bring that up. In this situation, I don’t think an internal timeline is quite fair, since it’s mostly due to practical reasons relating to your career, and not just a “I can’t stand waiting anymore so I’m gonna take off if he doesn’t propose by X date” kind of thing.
As for the proposal joking stuff that’s getting on your nerves, if you don’t want to have a sit-down talk with him about it, I would just casually respond in a way that lets him know you’re not finding it amusing (“babe… please.” without smiling, and just change the subject or something). If he wants to know why you’re reacting that way, he’ll probably ask and you can discuss it then.
Post # 12
Thanks ladies for your suggestions! I think I’m goign to say something tonight. After a comment about “our kids” I think we need to talk. I’m certainly not going to say anything mean…just let him know that I’m a little frustrated and hurt by how he keeps talking like this (@Joeswaffle: I’m a terrible planner too…and whenever he mentions the topic I get all ready to start looking for wedding dresses and booking locations, lol.)
Post # 13
I would just nicely tell him that you appreciate all the sweet things that he is saying about your future together, but that it is giving you (perhaps) unrealistic expectations about his intentions. Tell him you want to enjoy the relationship and basically be kept in the dark as to when he wants to take the next step. Tell him you want to be suprised, cause all that talk would wear on me too. . .
Post # 14
When I was hoping for a proposal, I asked my FI to stop talking like that. I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s really hard when he keeps getting your hopes up, and then doesn’t propose. It’s not fair to you. Have you shared your plans for this fall with him? That may give him a reason to put those words into action.
Post # 15
Ok. I talked to him the other night and told him that all the talk was making me a little upset….I told him that I couldn’t tell when he was being serious about our future and when he was joking around about our future. Aparantly, some of those times that he was joking around, he was really trying to gauge my reactions (i.e. a few weeks back we were flipping through a magazine at the hair salon. we came across a picture of a pretty ring and he asked me what I thought of it. At that time I just laughed and said “haha, you’re silly” because he had just jokingly asked me what I thought of a $7000 leopard-shaped bracelet on the previous page). Aparantly, he said he just couldn’t hold back any of this talk because when he looked at me, he saw such a bright future together. Anyways, I asked him to stop the fanciful talk unless he was really serious…i.e, if he really wants my opinions on having kids someday or style of rings, he has to make it obvious otherwise it just sounds like a tease.
Post # 16
Wow that was a promising response! Well done 🙂