(Closed) Can I tell my Maid of Honor what type of Shower I want?

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Did the 2 BMs who live East of Seattle offer up their homes for the party?  If you can kind of subtely feel them out and they seem open to the idea, I don’t think it would be terrible to ask if they can offer up their homes for the shower.  I wouldn’t just ask them straight out, though, because they might not be comfortable with the idea.  And if they don’t seem up to it, I might have your mom mention to your Maid/Matron of Honor that she thinks it would be most convenient to have the shower in this section of town or whatever.  Although this is a party in your honor, unfortunately being a gracious guest of honor also might mean graciously accepting the venue/location the shower is held at (even if it’s not your first choice).

About the e-vites…  Was she just going to send out an email with the time and date?  Or is she actually sending electronic cards/invitations?  On this one I would say let her do what she wants.  You might think evaites are too informal, but maybe her reasons for choosing evites have nothing to do with formality.  She could be interested in not wasting paper, or she could be trying to make it more convenient for herself and the guests.  Plus, since invites are such a small detail compared to location, I would say pick your battles.  If you try to change everything, your Maid/Matron of Honor may get really offended or feel like you are being too controlling. 

Post # 4
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

i would just remember that nobody will see the shower that she is throwing as a reflection on you…all those invited will know that she was the one who organized it, not you.  So while I agree with you on the central location and paper invites, I wouldn’t try to control her too much, especially since she is sweet enough to want to throw one for you in the first place.

Post # 5
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Is there someone (ie. Mom) who is in the middle of this shower planning, that you an tell this to, who can in turn throw these things in as suggestion to your MOH? I don’t think trying to have the shower in a place that is most convenient to your guests is unreasonable.  (I’ll get back to that in a minute.)  I think the evite thing might need to be dropped.  (Of course I’m used to bridal shower invitations that are on paper, but hand written.  So I feel like printed invitations are over the top to request.)

OK, so in terms of requesting things about your shower.  If your Maid/Matron of Honor asks for your opinion as to where to hold it, be honest and give your opinion.  If you have someone (BM, mom) who can take your request and use it as their suggestion, fine.  But other than that I think you need to leave it.  If having a home shower is all your Maid/Matron of Honor can afford, then suggesting FW might put her in a bad spot.  What if one of the other girls doesn’t want to host?  Will she feel obligated to find a venue in FW, and spend more money than she wanted?  Or go with her original plan and feel like it will be a disappointment to you?  Same with the invitations.  Maybe she is trying to save money in one area to put into something nicer in another area.  (Although, if your older guests are going to have a hard time responding to an evite, I think that is legitimate to bring this up as a concern.  But not necessarily an excuse to go so far as to ask for printed invitations.) 

Good luck.

Post # 6
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Is the invitation special to you? I plan to save mine for a scrapbook that my Bridesmaid or Best Man is making me, so in that case I would ask that she maybe make one at least for you? I also agree that the older guests might expect one. One shower I threw I had the brides grandma send me back a formal letter of rsvp (so cute!) even though I had a phone number on the invite.

Post # 7
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If there are issues with locaiton or dates then i think it’s okay to say something.  Though I’m not sure if locations that are 30 minutes apart technically qualify (I’m thinking more if there are Out of Town guests).  If you think the only reason she hasn’t considered another location is that she didn’t think of it, I’m not sure what to say thuogh my tendency would be to stay out of it unless there’s a possibility someone won’t be able to attend.

For the invites, or really any of the details, I personally don’t think you get to say anything…esp. not after she has said what she plans to do.  I think invitations, decor, etc fall into the category of preference…not practical logistics.  And I guess if someone is throwing a party (regardless of whether it’s in your honor), I think it’s inappropriate to question their decisions unless they’ve asked for input.  The only suggestions I think might be okay are along the lines of, "It would mean a lot to me if the guests could all bring me a recipe they love," or "I just developed a deathly allergy to shellfish so can we be sure not to include shrimp on the menu?" 

I can see how it might feel like you are not getting the same treatment as you have given in the past, but I don’t think you should feel like it’s not "as nice" as what you’ve done.  I’m sure your Maid/Matron of Honor is trying to do something for you b/c she cares about you and wants you to enjoy it.  Everyone shows their love and appreciation in different ways…maybe she’s planning something else (as others have mentioned).  Or maybe planning events like this doesn’t come as naturally to her and so those details are just too overwhelming.  So for her putting together an evite might be as big of a deal as putting together a paper invitation is for you.  Obviuosly this is pure speculation w.r.t. the details, but I think it can help to see this gift in the context of what she is able to do for you..

Post # 8
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I e-vited people to my sister’s shower – and to engagement parties – I don’t think its too informal, in fact, I think it is pretty darn convenient.  I’ve gotten some written invites and some e-vites and I have never felt like its too informal – there are tons of pretty options.  Or she could consider a slightly nicer digital invitation service, like mypunchbowl.com which is a little classier.

As far as asking to have it at the other bridesmaids places, I agree with feeling them out.  Maybe if you hint to them, they will offer.  Or you could suggest having it at a restaurant or something nearby, and they will take the hint.  Just be careful of your MOH’s feelings – she may really want to host. 

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