(Closed) can I turn a save the date email into a disinvitation to the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

It’s a pretty big no no to uninvite someone you sent a save the date to.  Even if it is just an email announcing your wedding date, that’s functionally the same thing.

If you are seriously over capacity, I would cut everyone under a certain age first.  I assume you didn’t send the email to any children, and adults shouldn’t really assume that their children are invited anyway.

Post # 4
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

You have to send them a promise of an invitation. You’ve already invited them, you are simply extending the details and requesting a response at this point. I agree with chicagobride, you can decide not to invite children since you didn’t send Save-The-Date Cards with the kids names on them.

You could consider pushing your RSVP date up a bit (not too far out e specially if people are traveling and may need to consider financial concerns and get extended child care). That could help to determine what needs to be cut from your wedding expenses to make up for inviting so many people (serve one meal option, have beer and wine only, don’t have flowers, rent a sound system and use an iPod).

Post # 5
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I go with both chicagobride and veronica on this one saying not to worry too much about children. Also, you could always set a a number of RSVPs per invite like by saying “2 seats have been reserved in your honor” to keep them from RSVPing too many people ie children. However, I dont have an issue with not sending someone an invitation especially to those people you dont talk to on a daily basis and if someone asks, tell them that the wedding had to be taken down a notch, you know, more low key.

Post # 6
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you have to invite them, I don’t see a way around it.  I would try to downsize your reception if its possible.

Post # 7
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yes, do not uninvite people. They may get insulted. If you haven’t seen some of those people for 15 years, they might not come to the wedding anyway (especially people who live far away). But I’m sure they’ll be honored to be invited.

Post # 8
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree that you can’t real go back once the save the dates have been sent. I would cut the children and cross your fingers that the distant relatives wont come. I am not sure how much other planning you have already done, but there are lots of ways to cut back in other places. Good Luck

Post # 9
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I really don’t see any way around this – if you sent them a save the date, there is no polite way to not invite them.

Post # 10
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would take the suggestions on having an adult only reception and maybe just wine and beer instead of an open bar.  Check with you caterer and see if they can do a cheaper meal that still tastes good for more people.  You might have to cut costs elsewhere, such as no favors, using an IPod instead of DJ, fake flowers instead of real and so forth.  You could also look into doing a very small intimate ceremony with a large reception for everyone afterwards.  Good luck!!!

Post # 11
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’ve been on the other side of this situation!  My Fiance and I were friends with a couple who sent us a save the date magnet last year.  We specifically kept that weekend free, assuming we were going to their wedding.  Anyway, a few months ago we realized that the wedding was approaching and we didn’t get an invite!

 We figured that they had to cut the guest list, but can’t lie–I was offended.  My Fiance said he couldn’t care less.  Anyway, we didn’t mention anything to them, but a mutual friend of ours who went to the wedding mentioned to us that they heard that a lot of people who got STD’s weren’t invited due to their budget. Now I understand better because I am planning my own wedding, but I learned from their mistake, I’m only going to send my STD’s for my June 2011 wedding after we are 100% sure that we can afford everyone we want to invite!

So, in response to your post–you will definetly offend those who you sent STD’s for and aren’t actually inviting.  You should see if you can cut costs and still invite them.  If its not possible, then just deal with snubbing a few people–life goes on =)

Post # 12
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It’s incredibly rude to dis-invite people, and yes a save the date = a guaranteed invite.  Sorry, there is no PC way around this one…

Post # 13
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Just curious – how far over your limit are you? Keep in mind that not everyone you invite will respond “yes,” especially if you’re inviting a large number of out-of-towners. I was pretty panicked about being over capacity, but it turns out we can in under what we expected by quite a bit.

The only suggestion I have is to limit things at this point by not including +1s for people who are not married/engaged, and by not including children.

Post # 14
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Well the people you’ve not seen for 15 years might not come anyway, but as the girls have said, you’re in it now, keep going! They say you usually get 10/20% refusals, does that ease your numbers at all?

Post # 15
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ooh this is a crappy situation.  An STD is an invitation, unfortunately. 

At this point you need to get a list down, STAT.  Figure out just how many people you’re talking about and how many you are over.  You can cut +1s and children under a certain age, that should help some.  Otherwise, you might have to re-vamp your reception and hope for lots of regrets.

Did everyone get an email?  Even coworkers and distant relatives?  It sounds like basically you need to cut everyone that didn’t get one.

Post # 16
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I decided to send out less STD than invitations in order to avoid this situation so I didnt offend anyone.Plus people who are closest to you appreciate them more, especially if the STD’s have a picture of you on them.

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