Post # 16
I believe they certainly can, otherwise I’m in trouble lol. But seriously I don’t have the hots for any of my 20+ male friends, and I certainly don’t think they all want to sleep with me. There are many wonderful reasons I am friends with these people in my life, gender has no role to play in it whatsoever.
Post # 17
One of my closest friends is a guy. We met at the same time I started dating my FH (so he is not a very old friend or something like that, we met 6 years ago). I go out for dinner with him just the two of us, or we go to the movies. When my FH was away a couple of weekends ago he even suggested I go for a sleepover at my friend’s place because he knows how scared I am of being on my own at night (I didn’t end up going as I was lazy ahah).
The guy is invited to our wedding, my FH is completely OK with all of this. Maybe it’s because I am very open and honest about my friendships, maybe it’s because my friend is 20 years older and has a 21 year old daughter, maybe it’s because my FH knows I never had any attraction for my friend… but he has no issues with it.
On the other hand, I tend to be more jealous about FH’s female friends and I have been jealous especially in the past when my FH skills around managing opposite sex friendships weren’t great.
I think it’s all about how you manage it.
Post # 18
Men and women can absolutely be friends, as long as there isn’t sexual attraction between them. And as long as they’re respectful of the other person as an individual and of their friends’ relationships.
I’ve been friends with 3 boys for 15 years now. One of them just got married (I was in the wedding party, initially asked by Bride then drafted over to the groom’s side when a groom’s man bowed out), one is on the verge of getting engaged and the last just got into a new relationship. I’m personally in a relationship with the man I intend to marry, 8 years….proposal incoming.
Who cares if one person was interested in the other as more than friends, the fact is that at some point, that person is going to realize that isn’t going to happen and move on. Just like any other potential date. And after many years, the feelings/friendship turns into a more sibling-esque one.
Post # 19
nativegirl9109 : 100% men and women can be friends. I have male friends that I’ve had for years and my fiancé has friendships with women.
If my fiancé suddenly had a new female friend that he wanted to spend time with alone, I’d be suspicious for sure.
Post # 20
I have male friends that I often spend a lot of time with in the theatre. Sometimes their wives/gf are there, some are divorced and some are single. My fiancé never bats an eye.
Post # 21
My closest guy friend is goink to be our officiant. We’ve been friends for ten years. We met when we were both single, and there has been every combination of being single or in relationships (with other people) in that time. No moves have been made on each other.
I have other guy friends and FH has female friends (he was a groomsmen for one female friend’s wedding even! And was not friends with the groom). I just used the above as my biggest example because that’s the closest friendship.
Post # 22
I don’t understand. Do you want to have sex with every man you see? Do you think every [straight] man wants to have sex with every woman he sees? Does every lesbian want to have sex with every woman she sees? It’s such a ridiculous, antiquated, and Puritanical notion that people can’t be friends with those of the sex to which they’re attracted. Is your behavior and sexual attraction so completely dominating and out of your ability to control that you have to keep from having certain friends? What kind of person does that make you? It sounds more like you’re a bestial person who isn’t controlled by rationality, no?
Post # 23
sboom : I have honestly never thought of it that way…which is one of the reasons I made this post…so my mind could be opened 🙂
Post # 24
DeniseSecunda : Judging from your comments on posts that I’ve read (including this one), I see that you have a certain way of coming across and it isn’t necessarily rude but a little abrasive. You always make great points, including with this post but I hope you weren’t referring to me as being a “bestial person not controlled by rationality”. Because if you were, it was clearly ignoring the fact that as I said I posted this question to start a conversation that would help me understand the notion that men and women can be friends. Because I see on this forum, that most bees believe that is the case and previously I did not. But that being said, there have been a lot of perspectives on this thread that I am grateful for, which have helped me understand things better. And they all have shared their opinion in such a way that is blunt yet respectful. As my dad says: “you get more bees with honey”. So in the future, in whatever topic you’re discussing or debating, I suggest you take this advice to heart. Because while I see you are clearly a very well-spoken, educated, whip-smart person; it’s very off-putting when someone you want to learn from attacks you so to speak. I totally understand that even the notion that men and women cant be friends might be ludicrous and offensive to you, it’s always a good thing (if I do say so myself) when a person wants to learn and expand their mind to new ideas. I pride myself on that. So maybe you should consider being a little nicer with your explanations of things. Not trying to be rude of course, just giving my perspective.
Post # 25
Many years ago, I became friends with a guy who lived in my building. Nice guy, attractive, good job, sense of humor. We both knew from the jump that we had zero chemistry. None. Zero. Zip. Nada.
We became each other’s default “dates”. If we didn’t have plans on a Friday or Saturday night, we’d hang out. He was especially useful when I wanted to make someone jealous. Ok, I’m not especially proud of that, but I was young.
Unfortunately, our friendship went the way so many do. He got married and he wasn’t allowed to play with me anymore. They had me over for dinner so she could scope me out, but it was really uncomfortable. Disappointing. His wife didn’t think men and women could be friends, either. Which is sad, really. I was never any kind of threat.
In my wild, misspent youth, I blasted through the Friend Zone barricade more than once, I confess. But, those guys were unattached.
Post # 26
I work with all men, and have done for the last 13 years. They’re all my friends and there’s absolutely nothing sexual from either side. My husband has plenty of female friends, his best friend is a woman and they’re so close that she was his best woman at our wedding. They’ve been friends for over 20 years, far longer than he’s known me.
Neither of us have any problem with the other having friends of the opposite sex. Women are awesome, I wouldn’t want my husband to miss out on meeting and befriending amazing people just because they’re female!
Post # 27
My husband and I have “friends” of the opposite sex but they are not close friends. We do not text them, go for coffee with them, hang out alone with them. We are older (40s) and honestly we don’t have the time to maintain couple friendships where we do group things together often.
I would not be comfortable with my husband hanging out one on one or texting constantly with another female nor would he be with me. We work, have children and limited time together that our free time is our time to be together and nourish our relationship.
Post # 28
Fiance has two close girl friends from college. One of them he hooked up with but didn’t tell me until later. I was pissed. I felt that I needed to know what I was walking into. Like you guys aren’t just buddies, you touched who who’s and things got hot and heavy. That’s an intimacy most people just don’t just do with random people. The other one is buddies with the first one and they frequently hung out together. Even solo. At the beginning of our relationship, girl one would stay at his house for overnights (in her own bed) and I played the cool girlfriend. Yeah, I’m not cool with it and he knows where my boundaries are. We have talked about it several times and the conversations were uncomfortable.
They’re still great friends and I hang out with her too. She’s a really nice girl. It just happens that they hooked up together a couple times in college when they were both intoxicated.
Now me on the other hand, I have a very close guy friend who is married. We have been friends since 7th grade. We have never hooked up, kissed, anything. We are strictly platanic, his wife knows it, fi knows it, I know it. I have never had feelings for him and he has never had feelings for me. He’s like my brother, yuck.
So, like I said, it depends.
Fi got a text from a female coworker once outside of work. I told him that was a boundary for me and she could have waited to tell him at work. I don’t care how excited she was to share the news. Not appropriate. She can go pound sand. I don’t know that b*tch.
So, that’s where my boundaries are. Everybody is different and I think as long as both people in the relationship feel respected and heard, everything is great.
Post # 29
I think it depends on the people involved and the circumstances. My husband and I don’t happen to have any really close friends of the opposite sex but we do have a lot of friends, we trust each other and always prioritize our marriage over other relationships.
I wouldn’t suddenly strike up a close friendship with a man now, more than likely, any more than my husband would strike up a new friendship with a woman. However, I feel that if people have had friends (of any sex) prior to their relationship and everyone is cool with it, there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t feel there is a cut-and-dried answer to this question.
Post # 30
Men and woman can be “just friends” and in my opinion anyone who thinks otherwise clearly has crippling insecurity in their relationship.