Can you just be friends with someone you are attracted to?

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
socalgirl1689 :  I have plenty of male friends. Absolutely zero desire to ever be more than that. Fiance has female friends and that doesn’t bother me at all, I trust him 100% so in my opinon, yes. 

Post # 3
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

I’ve had a group of guy friends since I was a pre-teen. I’m now 30 and it’s never been anything but platonic with any of them. They’ve never hinted at being interested and we’ve always had relationships with people outside of our group. It bothers me when people say it’s not possible. 

Post # 4
Member
1704 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Of course men and women can be friends.  I think even people who are attracted to each other can be friends too,  but that you have to be more careful in that situation to avoid things going in a romantic direction if that’s not what you want.

Post # 6
Member
840 posts
Busy bee

I have been friends with a guy for 25 years. We vacation together, camp together. I still stay at his house if I visit his city. He is very handsome and our personalities mesh well. We did date for about a week in high school, which ended mutually. There is no sexual attraction there, at all. At this point if anything happened it would not only be adultery, it would also be incest.

Post # 7
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Harry: No, no, no, no, I never said that… Yes, that’s right, they can’t be friends…unless both of them are involved with other people. Then they can. This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. That doesn’t work either. Because what happens then is the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with, like it means something is missing from the relationship and wanted to go outside to get it. Then when you say, ‘No, no, no, no, it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,’ the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are – I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let’s face it – which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can’t be friends. So where does it leave us?

Sally: Goodbye Harry.

(From: When Harry met Sallysmile

Post # 8
Member
3239 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If you desire the person and are attracted to them I would say “no”. I have male friends I have zero interest in & they don’t think of me that way. 

Post # 9
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

Yes, definitely.  I have good male friends, some of who are what I’d consider attractive, and some who aren’t.  But regardless, it would feel like dating a cousin!

Post # 10
Member
2709 posts
Sugar bee

It’s totally possible, but only if neither party is interested in the relationship being something more. Unfortunately I think a lot of people (male and female) will hang out in the wings playing the friend card whent they’d actually like to date their “friend.” That can result in a lot of built up frustration and tension, and I think that leads a lot of people to avoid opposite sex friendships to avoid the potential drama.  

Most of the time that I’ve tried to have male friends, at some point they made moves to try to date me or hookup with me, and then got offended or angry when I wasn’t interested. I had enough of these experiences – especially in my early 20s, when I was a little more naive and assumed guys being nice to me were just being friendly – that I became pretty reserved around straight single men unless I was interested in them romantically.

These days, I have one close straight male friend. We dated at first, but quickly realized we didn’t have romantic compatibility but still liked each other as people. So we’ve been friends ever since. It was an easy transition because it was never very serious – there was no jealousy when we moved on and dated other people, and we have often gone to each other for relationship advice. We’ve been platonic friends for the better part of a decade now, so there’s zero weirdness there and zero lingering feelings. We both find each other to be good looking, BUT there’s no spark of attraction there. We’re more like brother/sister honestly. 

Post # 11
Member
10374 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Yes, men and women can just be friends. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex and while we enjoy thier friendship we’ve never had any romantic interest in them and still wouldn’t if we are single. 

And not everyone is straight. What are bisexual people supposed to do? Have no friends? Are gay men incapable of having male friends? Are all lesbians secretly into thier female friends? Just because someone is the sex you are attracted to doesn’t make them an automatic romantic option – most people have preferences beyond “that person has the right genitalia”

ETA: You changed the question after I answered. If you feel an attraction romantically to someone I think it would be more difficult to be just friends. I guess it depends on if you just recognize that one of your friends is objectively an attractive person or if it’s more than that. There are people who I think are physically attractive that I don’t have any desire to date. 

Post # 12
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

Yes, but it is not wise to be wildly attracted to people and try to maintain a close friendship at the same time. I see a lot of people saying there is no physical attraction to the person they are friends with. I didn’t think that is what the OP meant.

Post # 13
Member
10374 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
butterfly67 :  She changed the question after several people had already responded.

Post # 15
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I think there’ a difference between knowing someone is attractive and being attracted to them.  I’ve maintained several successful friendships with good looking guys (and even introduced more than one to their partners) because either they weren’t my preferred kind of hot or our dynamic just felt more friendly than romantic (or they were gay – I am a weird friendship magnet for hot guys who are also into hot guys).  That said, I tried to be friends, once, with a man I was wildly attracted to even though I knew he had an on-off thing going with his boss.  We ended up having what he thought was lots of what he thought was no-strings-FWB fun and what I knew to be heartbreaking and demoralizing sex.  Ever since then, if I want to bone more than I want to hang out but I know it won’t/can’t lead anywhere good, I pull back.

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