Can you just be friends with someone you are attracted to?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

 

For me, it’s the difference between thinking somebody is attractive, and being attracted to somebody. I think you have bigger problems still if the other person is also attracted to you.

I had a (unrequited, as far as I know) crush for a couple of weeks which died a death on it’s own and we’re platonic friends 9 years later.

The second time it’s not working out because the attraction isn’t dying down and I think I might need to ditch the friend, as much as that’ll hurt. I don’t want to do anything to risk my relationship and my Fiance comes first.

Post # 17
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee

To answer your rephrased quesiton, I think it is unwise to be friends with someone you are actively attracted to but can’t date – whether that’s because one or both of you are in a relationship or the other person isn’t interested. 

If you’re in a relationship, why tempt yourself? When does it become an emotional affair if you’re hanging out with someone you’re attracted to and have an emotional connection with, but not crossing physical bounds? If the other person is in a relationship, I think you should be respectful of that and back off — and move on to someone who is actually available for your own sanity. 

And if you’re both single but hanging out as friends and hoping it will become more… well, I guess that sometimes happens. But I think you should make your intentions known so that you can move on if they’re not interested. It also sucks to be on the other side of that and think you’ve made a good friend, only to find out that they wanted to date you the whole time and won’t want to see you anymore after you tell them you’re not interested in them that way… 

Post # 18
Member
820 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to echo 

View original reply
butterfly67

Yes, it’s possible to have friends of the opposite sex. However, if there is a physical attraction, I think it toes a line. Be mindful to not put yourself in a dangerous situation that could lead to something you regret. 

My best friend is a male. I’m not physically attracted to him. If I found that I was attracted to a male friend, I would limit my friendship with that person because I don’t want to put myself in a situation that would compromise my relationship with my husband. And I expect my husband to have that same respect for me. 

Post # 19
Member
10641 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Yes. Yes it is.

I know plenty of good looking male friends I would never screw/date. They’re great for friends, would be terrible as anything else.

Post # 20
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

View original reply
socalgirl1689 :  Apologies. Interesting question. I guess it depends on the individual? For me personally I might be able to say yes my friend is an attractive person physically, but my attraction is based predominately on other factors so I don’t think they’d ever appeal to me in that sense? And I knew these people when I was single and there was never anything there. I’ve also remained friends with exs before, these people who I used to find attractive and have chemistry with but now that I’m happy in the relationship that I have, I don’t feel that anymore at all. I hope that answers your question. I know not everyone will agree but that’s just my personal experience. 

Post # 21
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

I guess I’ll be the divisive one and say no, I don’t think you can remain “just friends” with someone you are attracted to. I think too quickly, like a PP mentioned, it can turn into an emotional affair…or at least a too-close friendship that rides the line between questionable and emotional affair.

Post # 22
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I firmly believe men and women can be friends. However, when I catch myself becoming attracted to a man, I distance myself from him because I don’t think I can just be friends with a man I’m attracted to. Dangerous territory, at least for me.

Post # 23
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If it’s just physical attraction, definitely. Many of my male friends are physically very attractive, but they’re also big doofuses, so it’s not a problem at all.

If we’re talking attraction to them as an entire package (looks, personality, quirks, everything), then honestly idk. Never had that with anyone except for DH.

Post # 24
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Honestly, I think that’s just playing with fire. I always had male friends growing up, but for the vast majority there was a level of attraction there, and I inevitably hooked up with all of them at some point. 

 

As a married woman, I for sure have self control, but experience has told me that sometimes things just happen when there’s extremely strong feelings of attraction. That being said, I’m not sure what it says if someone who is married is attracted to others and forming “friendships” with them. I do think there is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them though. 

Post # 25
Member
13523 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
socalgirl1689 :  “Nice” and a physical attraction are not always enough. There are plenty of other dealbreakers. Since you say you think you would have a hard time keeping things platonic with someone you’re physically attracted to then I’d say no, you shouldn’t be friends. 

When I was single I never found someone attractive based on looks alone so it was a moot point. 

Post # 26
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Of course. You just don’t hit on them or act the fool around them. No rules that you can only be friends with ugly people.

Post # 27
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Ask yourself this:

Would I be comfortable with my DH/FI/SO being friends with a woman he’s attracted to? 

If you aren’t comfortable with that how do you think your SO would feel about your being attracted to men/women you are friends with?

Post # 29
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee

I agree that “attractive” is very different than “attracted to.” As I understand it, though, the (updated) question here isn’t “Can you be friends with someone who is physically attractive” but “Can you be friends with someone you’re attracted to?” 

Post # 30
Member
2673 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think it’s really possible to have a healthy platonic friendship with someone you want to date/sleep with. Not in my experience anyway.

Like others have said, there’s a difference between someone being objectively good looking and being emotionally and/or physically attracted to that person. My best friend is a guy and he’s a pretty good looking guy, just not my type at all. If I was attracted to him I wouldn’t have maintained the friendship (or at least not to the same degree) once I got married.

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