Post # 1
I often hear some men fear getting married due to the possibility of divorce. Isn’t that like not dating because you fear the possibility of breaking up? Isn’t the risk of a breakup even higher than the chance of a divorce occurring? What am I missing?
Post # 2
- Wedding: August 2015 - City, State
In my experience, when a guy says that, it means he actually does not want to marry his girlfriend because deep down he knows she’s not the one. He fears divorce because on some level he knows a split is inevitable. When men meet “the one” or someone who sets their heart truly aflame, I’ve seen them miraculously cease fearing divorce. It’s probably because they don’t have any misgivings about that person like their previous girlfriend. newyorkweddingbee :
Post # 3
newyorkweddingbee : money. They are afraid of being on the hook for spousal support and/or child support after divorce.
Post # 4
Aside from it being a terrible excuse on their part, if they are concerned about divorce, then they can’t be that confident in the relationship.
Post # 5
lifeisbeeutiful : Wouldn’t a prenup solve that?
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2015 - City, State
Exactly. A prenup would solve that, and in most places men have to pay child support married or not. Which is why I think it really comes down to the man’s confidence in the viability of the relationship with the woman. newyorkweddingbee :
Post # 7
newyorkweddingbee : sure, if both partners agree to one which I’ve learned (here!) That its not accepted by all.
Post # 8
They want to keep all their options open and an easy, inexpensive exit if things don’t work out. It’s a lot easier to move on from dating.
Post # 9
newyorkweddingbee : I don’t feel like men fear divorce because of financial liability anymore than women fear divorce because they could end up a single mother. It’s just an excuse to avoid marriage that they’ve, somehow, come to believe is viable because there’s no way to prove that it won’t happen.
For an analogy, when you get hired for a new job, there’s always the possibility that you’ll get laid off or fired for no good reason (thanks, at-will employment). I’m assuming that he doesn’t just decide to never get a job that would add *tremendous* value to his life because it’s possible that one could eventually ruin him financially if they decide to fire him one day with no explanation. I’m assuming he doesn’t just sit around all day, unemployed and not earning money just because he’s afraid that applying for a job could end in him getting fired.
Why, then, is the fear of divorce holding him back from something that would otherwise be a positive thing in his life? Unless, he never wanted it in the first place and divorce is just a seemingly-sound excuse to avoid further pressure…
Post # 10
Never mind. I read the question wrong. Deleted.
Post # 11
Pre nups don’t always hold up in court
Post # 12
I think there is this belief that men get screwed over in divorce. They lose their money and can never see the kids. It’s all over the media with high end divorces and regular men believe that is still the case. I also think that (some) men understand alimony and child support differently than it’s purpose so it further creates these urban elehnds of men getting screwed over.
Post # 13
Both men and women can get screwed over! In most places in the US women still get more custody of the children. I have guy friends who have had to fight soooo hard to see their children! But all the more reason to be careful who you sleep with!
Man or woman if you are the sole breadwinner of your family and your SO takes 50 percent of your assets including your retirement.. selling your house.. well you have to start over. Throw in child support for a kid or two. And your once good financial situation can be bad.
Some people come from parents with nasty divorced, false aligations of abuse, using the kids as pawns against the other parent, emotionally unstable, hateful. One partner emptying the joint accounts, selling cars ect.
A prenup can protect you financially but it can’t protect you from crazy! And some people are!
Post # 14
Unless a man states this up front, IMO it’s a big fat ole excuse.
It’s perfectly okay for someone to not be marriage-minded, so long as they’re up front about this.
We all have different dealbreakers and we try to weed these out during the early stages of dating before we get too attached to someone incompatible.
But alas, we can only do this with honest information.
Too often we see threads by an OP whose boyfriend was all happy-picture-painting in the first stages of dating, when we get married…. so what kind of wedding should we have…..I can totally see us honeymooning there….because he can get away with flowery talk at this point without being expected to do anything more
Then enough time elapses that his words should be backed up by action and then suddenly he clams up about marriage talk like he’s been reluctantly thrust onto the witness stand in court. And then when he is ‘pressured’ to talk about it his tune changes to what’s the rush…..it’s just a piece of paper…..look at the divorce rate. He now acts like talk about marriage is something being imposed on him, something he’s being unreasonably pressured about.
Glossing over of course the fact that this has all come about because he misled his partner into believing he was on the same page as her.
Guys who don’t want marriage are usually clear about it from the beginning. If a guy is suddenly claiming to be worried about divorce rates 2 or 3 or 4 years into a relationship, either he’s never wanted marriage and has deliberately misled her and stalled for time or else something is making him hesitate to commit to THIS relationship and he’s throwing out excuses instead of addressing the real issues.
Post # 15
Along with everything that PPs said, I also want to point out that divorce is still a bit culturally taboo for the male community. For for the female community, there is a lot of “YAS QWEEN DO THIS FOR YOURSELF YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN” but for men, it’s a feeling of absolutely nothing but failure in the long run. There’s a strong social construct of men being the person to care for themselves, their woman, and their children, even if it destroys every dream they ever have. When they fail at that, they fail at everything.
(Ignoring the moderately-sized community of complete male jerks that have no respect for women or marriage in general, anyway.)