(Closed) Can someone here verbalize why one-sided waiting kill relationships?

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 136
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I don’t really agree that it is a form of unrequited love to be honest, he hasn’t given any indication that he doesn’t love her and people are ready for commitment at different times, there’s nothing wrong with that necessarily. Like I said before I was ready before my fiance was but I trusted him and he got there soon after, I’m now glad that I didn’t taint that phase of our relationship with nagging and doubts, I trusted that he loved me and only occassionaly worried about marriage, I was 99% happy and now I’m 100% happy. I know that’s not the same for everyone and again sorry if I’m not being helpful, I’m just trying to show the other side of the argument and a bit of optimism. 

Post # 138
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, you’re 26!? You’ve got your head and heart firmly in the right place – particularly for your age. (you sound like a badass bitch if you don’t mind me saying πŸ˜‰ ) I don’t think waiting until next summer is unreasonable, 5 years isn’t such a long time to wait when you started dating in your early 20s. 

That said, it could be that you’re a lot more mature than him and at a different stage in life. You’re certainly much more than I was at that age. So if he still hasn’t come around by then it might be time to look for someone who is more on your level. 

As for your original question – I have definitely emotionally abandoned a relationship before it was over due to the guy not ‘being ready’ for the level of commitment I was. It was very strange because I almost didn’t realize it was happening. I had always been the one pushing for more from the relationship, but then one day I just completely lost the energy to do it. All the anxiety and resentment and tension used up whatever energy and emotion I’d had. And then suddenly I was the one that had shut down and he was shocked at how little emotion I had when I left. He’d just gotten so used to me wanting more that it never occurred to him that one day I would want nothing. 

2.5 years later I was married to the love of my life and he is single. (Not that I wish that for him, but it’s not an uncommon outcome from what I’ve seen)

Post # 139
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

azf0019 :  Hey, I really AM rooting for you. And I don’t think you’re consciously, deliberately backpedaling, more that- in trying to see ‘his side’ of it-  you’re trying really hard to be okay with his side of it and convince yourself that your’e okay with it. I would feel a lot better for you if I saw some conscious effort on his part to do likewise and try to see your side of it rather than lay a guilt trip on you and make it all about him. 

And a timeframe of next summer isn’t horrible IF you’re both truly happy with this and if it’s an actual timeframe, that he’s not just giving lip service to this to buy himself some time.  But since he keeps harping on wanting his career to take off first, it doesn’t seem like he’s viewing it as ‘by next summer for sure’ so much as ‘we’ll see where things are by next summer’ – and I’m worried what that would do to you after you’d waited an entire year from now for him to fulfill what you see as a firm plan and he sees only as an estimated goal. 

Post # 141
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

azf0019 :  I truly hope I’m wrong and things DO go the way you’re hoping. But if not, if you post updates that don’t look good, I’d feel so sad for you, not ‘ha! I knew it’. It’s not always easy to know what to do when things aren’t going as you hoped, but there’s enough ‘good’ that you don’t want to give up on, that’s part of the whole turmoil. 

Post # 142
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

azf0019 :  I’m rooting for you OP! I think waiting it out until the initially agreed upon timeline is only fair in this situation, especially since he’s unemployed. Sticking to your guns and not waiting beyond it is also wise. I really hope things work out for you, and once he has a few paychecks under his belt, he’ll feel a lot more secure in his life and be ready to take that next step with you!

I do second mrsptobe2017 : ‘s concerns though about how he defended himself and tried to dismiss your feelings in your conversation, though. During my “waiting” time, I broke down once to my SO, saying how waiting was making me feel, despite him still being within our agreed upon timeline (there were also factors of not knowing where my grandma’s diamond was and if it was okay (due to setting issues) in play there), and the entire time he REASSURED me and never said what I was feeling was wrong. He said he was sorry that I felt how I did, and helped calm me down. Three days later he proposed, despite the ring not being done, because he didn’t want to subject me to any more pain. 

While I’m not overtly concerned for you and your situation (especially with your strong will!), and I believe there’s a solid chance you’ll find your happy ending, just keep in mind and an eye out for this sort of stuff. It speaks much louder than his words.

Post # 144
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

azf0019 :  Yes giving him some time to sort out things is best right now.

And thanks! πŸ˜€ I actually just changed my avatar yesterday, in celebration of making 1000+ posts/1 year anniversary w/weddingbee, to something I thought would be a bit more befitting of my username!

Post # 145
Member
45 posts
Newbee

girlfriendphd :  How are you feeling with your August 1st deadline approaching soon? Does your SO notice a difference in you?

Post # 146
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I’ve honestly been feeling better the past couple of months. I’ve settled into my new job, and I’m loving my new apartment (and the 5 minute commute). I’ve started a low dose of an SSRI and I’m seeing a therapist every 2-3 weeks.  I’ve started working on developing better coping strategies for anxiety and stress in general, and I’ve been talking through how I’m prepared to move forward with whatever happens in the coming weeks.

My boyfriend knows about my treatment and is supportive, though when I first told him I was seeing a therapist he felt bad that I was in a place that I needed to do so. I do think he’s since noticed that I’m enjoying things more and having fewer “low” moments. I haven’t talked about engagement specifically since the timeline talk in April, but I tell him whenever I’m having a bad day due to frustration, insecurity, etc.

My boyfriend has been doing well also. He has been extra considerate and helpful, and extra affectionate as well. On Saturday we were sitting on the couch, and I looked at him and saw him looking at me, misty eyed. I asked him what was wrong and to talk to me. He said that nothing was wrong; he was just feeling emotional for some reason because he’s been so happy. It’s all promising I suppose, but I’m feeling neither optimistic nor pessimistic at the moment. The past month or so has been nice, but it’s also not enough if he lets me down definitively. It’s all or nothing for me at this point.

Post # 147
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

girlfriendphd :  You go girl! I’m happy you have support. I wish I could swing a therapist. Maybe I’d be less of a headcase hahaa. As my move out date draws nearer, I’m getting happier but I’m also getting more stressed out and anxious. But I’m still happier than I ever was waiting!

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