(Closed) Can someone here verbalize why one-sided waiting kill relationships?

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

BalletParker :  

Don’t leave anything on the table if you’re feeling like you’re packing socks.

One thing my therapist taught me is not to be so gentle (good girl/cool girl) when speaking to Fiance. this translates to saying things like this:  “listen, this is a really big deal and I need you to stop blowing me off.” No apologies, no backtracking, and then lay it out there. Don’t let him silence you with “pressure” – that’s the good girl/cool girl trap. Avoid.

I agree with this, and it is the course I took in my final discussion with my boyfriend about engagement. I let go of any fears of “scaring” or “pressuring” him and told him straight out that I resented the wait and the impression that he has given of prioritizing everything else over me and my opinions. For the next few days after we established the timeline, when he would ask me how I was feeling, I would tell him: “disappointed.”  And within a week I felt fine. Things have been going well since. I’m still going to walk on August 1st if I need to, but I feel fine. 

Post # 63
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

azf0019 :  I think you’re completely failing to see his side.

“waiting until he finds career (highly variable and time immeasurable)

-the word “pressure”

-the persistence of the phrase “not ready”

-the only reassurance I get is “just trust me”.”

 

Sometimes people have their own goals they want to accomplish before they hit traditional milestones. The fact that he doesn’t have his career yet is a huge factor. Maybe he wants to feel secure before he marries. I told my then boyfriend/now fiancé that I refused to buy a house or have children before we were married. 

I find timelines completely ridiculous in relation to real life. Life NEVER works out in the perfect way you want it. Why DON’T you trust him like he says? I think that’s the real issue here. You have someone you love and you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Is not getting married exactly when you want REALLY going to be the cause of your resentment and possible breakup? Resenting him because he’s telling you he isn’t ready is selfish IMO. 

I would personally stop with the timeline talk, have a conversation about goals. Make sure you’re on the same page, and let it go. If both of you cannot compromise or accept each others’ goals and differences, you’re not right for each other no matter how much love you have. 

Post # 64
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

ohana33 :  I think conversations about goals AND timelines are needed when partners are not starting on the same page.

I took a goals-only approach with my boyfriend and have ended up waiting two years. Goals without a timeline can be very open ended, and it’s easy to string a partner along under the guise of goals. My boyfriend said he wanted to wait until after I finished grad school and moved back to our home state. He wanted to wait until after we were “settled in.” He wanted to wait until after I had a job. Until after his cousin’s wedding. “After” could be any time from the last goalpost until the end of the universe. In April I asked for an actual time-based timeline because I was done  feeling strung along and left in the open void of “after.” 

Post # 65
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think it’s a form of unrequited love basically. Sure not always, because some people just don’t believe in marriage or whatnot, but generally if both people could get married someday but only one wants to marry the other right now, that’s probably something like unrequited love. Makes sense why that could kill a relationship.

Husband and I both waited for each other at different points of our (long af) relationship. He “knew” earlier on and would say stuff about “forever” and I actually asked him to stop bc I’m very literal and didn’t want to say things like that unless I was ready to commit 100%. I only started thinking about marriage once I had a good job with career prospects. Well by that time he was embroiled in trying to start a business, and he didn’t want to get married as a loser with no “real” job. I couldn’t argue with that since I had felt exactly the same before I had a stable career, so it was my turn to wait. The waiting wasn’t one-sided though, because I knew he wanted to marry me (and besides marriage wasn’t a goal for me, more just something I’d consider with the right person).

Post # 66
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

ohana33 :   Because this board and life are littered with women who wasted years of their prime dating years on men who never had any intention to commit to them who kept telling the women they “weren’t ready” and to “trust them”. Women who wanted kids who lost their window.  We aren’t elves that live forever. Our time on this earth is finite, and our window for having kids even more finite. And like it or not, women in particular have better odds at certain ages in certain cities at finding a suitable partner.  Most of the posters on this board are not 22, and you’ll see when they do come here people tell them to be patient. But a 35 year old woman who hopes to have kids cannot simply “trust” that her boyfriend will commit within the next few years. 

 

Post # 68
Member
1454 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Ok I read through most of this and it sounds to me like you don’t trust him to follow through with the “next summer” timeline.  His comments definitely warrant that mistrust  If you really care about this relationship live the next year like you’re getting engaged next summer.  Be positive, energetic and make comments about your future now and then and don’t read into his response. Let him know you’re serious. PreparEfor the worst. He doesn’t follow through, lease ends and you move out.  Either way the waiting is over.  You’ll be okay!  The right on might be right around the corner.  

My SO wasn’t sure about marriage.  After many discussions we decided that I would propose anytime after 2018 and we’d get married after my two oldest graduate high school, which is several years away.  We’re older and don’t want kids. We nailed down April,June at the latest of that year.  We talk about rings, wedding ideas, honeymoons. The dialogue is light hearted and fun.  The engagement is in my hands. I decide how long I want to be engaged.  (Shhhh don’t tell him I’ve decided on April 2021) He shows me pics of rings he likes for himself!  This waiting stuff is for the birds.  If you agreed on a plan it shouldnt be hard to talk about it in the interim. It should be fun!! 

Post # 72
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2019

azf0019 :  Mine too. It was actually a bit of a tipping point for me. I hope things work out for you, whatever that means. Hugs πŸ™‚

Post # 73
Member
1454 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

azf0019 :  No I’m gonna STEAL it (ninja style) Haha.  Thanks for the compliment!  I hope you can find some Peace in this situation.  

Post # 74
Member
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

azf0019 :  

Just trust me.

Ugh.  There is something so patriarchal about that.  I’m the man. Don’t you worry your pretty little head. That male dominance has been his posture all the way through. And, for the record, trustworthy people don’t tell people to trust them.

Bee, how confident are you, really, that he will follow through next summer?  He just bought himself a full year. And you risk losing an entire year to a relationship that may not be progressing.

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