Post # 1
Does anyone know if the following is just what it’s like to date once you’re past the honeymoon phase? Or are these just pre-wedding jitters? Or is this not normal?
– dated for 6 years, talked about marriage in first year. Waited. And waited some more. He told me it was going to happen and I told him if he was wasting my time to let me know. He proposed after 6 years
– I used to be ok with his friends but all they like to do is drink and get high despite being in their 30s. It’s fine to relax and unwind, but they got him smashed and left him home to be my problem when I had a client the next morning I needed to prep for. I’ve been told I’m dating him not his friends. I worry it’s a red flag.
– I used to be ok with his family but as the years have gone by they seem to think that micromanaging me is endearing and not crossing boundaries. I’ve been told this is just what in-laws do. I worry it’s another red flag.
– I asked HIM on our first date. I waited for years for an engagement. I feel like I’m becoming his mother. He doesn’t take care of himself or his health unless I do it for him. I resent him for it. I’ve been told this is just what happens after the honeymoon phase is over.
I’m scared he waited too long and the resentment is too big. I thought the red flags meant we should take a break or break up and suddenly he’s proposing. I don’t feel like this is for any of the right reasons. Everyone I know says we’re perfect together and there’s no better match in the world. What is wrong with me?
Post # 2
I think that you need to listen to your feelings.
I’ve been married over 30 years and the honeymoon stage still isn’t over. You should expect to be treated with love and respect. Relationships take time and effort and if he isn’t prepared to put in the effort then feel free to leave.
You may, as a couple, look perfect from the outside but clearly things are different on the inside. His drinking and taking drugs is a case in point. It’s highly unattractive and you don’t have to put up with it. If he is not prepared to alter his (possibly illegal) behaviour you can walk away.
You say that you are starting to feel like his mother (this is low on romance too) and that he doesn’t look after his health. What do you mean exactly? And who does the cleaning, cooking, shopping and washing? Is it you? If it is then just stop.
Post # 3
– His friends didn’t get him smashed; he got himself smashed. He’s an adult, I assume, and — yes — is capable of saying no to his friends. After all, he’s capable of saying no to you (apparently!) about his hygiene.
– Your in-laws’ shitty behavior isn’t his fault either. They’re also making the decision to act like that; he’s not making them. Have you spoken to him about it and asked him to have a talk with them about cutting it out? If you’ve done that and he’s said no, THAT’s the problem. The in-laws are just douches.
– The hygiene thing is a legitimate issue. He needs to grow up. What does he say when you talk to him about it?
– It’s okay for you to have asked him out; that doesn’t mean you’re being his mother. Honestly, it’s weird that you think it’s a problem or emasculating to have asked out a guy, and it’s weird that you think doing so is “motherly” and not a normal part of being a women in the 21st-century dating world.
Overall, if these things are red flags to you, I think you should actually consider whether or not your perspectives are a little flawed — BUT if you find you can’t change them, then this doesn’t sound like the relationship for you. Resentment over [potentially weird] things is already building; that won’t just go away with marriage.
Post # 4
this sounds more like he just isnt the guy for you rather than the honeymoon stage being over.
that is highly unattractive to have to act like a mother to someone who is going to be your HUSBAND.
i’d say you have some things to really think about and consider.
Post # 5
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
When a woman undertakes the role of a mother in a sexual relationship, the threads of the erotic energy are cut between those people. Things can get better, with counseling, work and determination.
Post # 6
I would have been gone a long time ago. I think the main reason you resent him is because he’s irresponsible and immature. To add insult to injury, you are realizing that the wait wasn’t even worth it.
I dated a guy who couldn’t wipe his own ass. The more intertwined you become with such a guy, the harder it becomes to leave because taking care of him becomes your new normal, and you wonder how he’ll take care of himself once you’re gone.
Getting engaged should be super exciting. It sounds like you’ve been in this relationship for so long, no one IRL knows your situation well enough to tell it to you straight, that you’ve lost your sense of what’s normal and healthy. Listen to your gut. It is telling you very specific reasons why you are unhappy. Never marry a man child. Never ignore red flags, and these flags are very real.
Post # 7
Yes, these could be red flags. But this could also be a classic case of a couple that doesn’t communicate well.
No one is perfect, and we all have little things we do that get on our partner’s nerves. But if you don’t talk about them together, they’ll just keep building up until you’re sitting on top of a mountain of small resentments. You need to sit down with him and have an open and honest discussion about some of these issues – and don’t do it when you’re feeling angry. approach it in a “let’s figure this out together so our relationship can thrive” way. For example: ask him if he’s concerned about his own health/drinking? If he says yes and admits there might be a problem, then you’re on the same page and you can help him come up with a plan to improve. If he says no, and sees no problem, you can share your concerns with him and see how he reacts.
Post # 8
You don’t have to marry him just because you spent six years together. You don’t seem happy in the relationship. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks your reasons are good or not. I strongly believe who people chose as their friends is something important to consider. It sounds like you grew up in the past six years and he didn’t.
Post # 9
You lost me at “all his friends do is drink and get high”.
Post # 10
There’s SO much more to this, of course, otherwise why on earth would I say for so long (both good and bad) but with this snapshot you have have said really helpful things! It’s hard to go into even more details, but I think you have said the key things that I need to think about. Thank you for taking the time to reply!
Post # 11
thank you so much for taking the time to write this out.
The part that has me feeling like a mother is a combination of a lot of little things that add to what feels like a big thing. he will talk all the time about wanting to lose weight or exercise, but then can’t get to the gym or make good food choices unless I nag him to do it. I don’t want to do that. I want to be there rooting for him when he does well, NOT forcing him to move. I rationalize it because I know we all need help now and then, and I can use help too. He also doesn’t go to bed until I yell at him to do so. This drives me nuts. He will sit in a chair bobbing his head and I know he needs his sleep because he works such a challenging and physically demanding job. It’s hard because he says he stays up because he wants to be by me. He doesn’t get groceries or take care of home things (cleaning, chores) unless I do them or tell him to (I rationalize it as him being tired from work). They’re little things. Not a big deal things. But combined I feel like I have to always be thinking about him and orchestrating when I want a copilot, not a passenger.
I know I’ve painted the situation quite unkindly to him and he is much more wonderful than I have said. But I am grateful that you explained that being out of that phase is a concern.
Post # 12
I needed to hear that HE got himself smashed, not them. I don’t know why I didn’t see it that way. Thank you.
I’m a little lost on some of what you’ve said so maybe we’re talking about different parts in terms of hygiene and emasculation. Feeling awkwardly attacked. I’m mad that I’m pursuing him nonstop and the one in control all the time…
Regardless I’m thinking you said your words coming from a good place and I appreciate the feedback.
Post # 14
ive noticed a shift since I’ve taken on more of a “mom” role. That’s very true. If I want this to work I have to make a conscious effort to cease all of that. I love helping him but I think it’s too much. Thank you.
Post # 15
this reply really struck something with me. I feel like you knew exactly why I’m so mad and I didn’t even know why yet. Wow. thank you for taking the time and your words!