Can this be fixed?

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
3004 posts
Sugar bee

I think that you need to listen to your feelings.

I’ve been married over 30 years and the honeymoon stage still isn’t over. You should expect to be treated with love and respect. Relationships take time and effort and if he isn’t prepared to put in the effort then feel free to leave.

You may, as a couple, look perfect from the outside but clearly things are different on the inside. His drinking and taking drugs is a case in point. It’s highly unattractive and you don’t have to put up with it. If he is not prepared to alter his (possibly illegal) behaviour you can walk away.

You say that you are starting to feel like his mother (this is low on romance too) and that he doesn’t look after his health. What do you mean exactly? And who does the cleaning, cooking, shopping and washing?  Is it you? If it is then just stop.

Post # 3
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

– His friends didn’t get him smashed; he got himself smashed. He’s an adult, I assume, and — yes — is capable of saying no to his friends. After all, he’s capable of saying no to you (apparently!) about his hygiene. 

– Your in-laws’ shitty behavior isn’t his fault either. They’re also making the decision to act like that; he’s not making them. Have you spoken to him about it and asked him to have a talk with them about cutting it out? If you’ve done that and he’s said no, THAT’s the problem. The in-laws are just douches. 

– The hygiene thing is a legitimate issue. He needs to grow up. What does he say when you talk to him about it? 

– It’s okay for you to have asked him out; that doesn’t mean you’re being his mother. Honestly, it’s weird that you think it’s a problem or emasculating to have asked out a guy, and it’s weird that you think doing so is “motherly” and not a normal part of being a women in the 21st-century dating world. 

Overall, if these things are red flags to you, I think you should actually consider whether or not your perspectives are a little flawed — BUT if you find you can’t change them, then this doesn’t sound like the relationship for you. Resentment over [potentially weird] things is already building; that won’t just go away with marriage. 

Post # 4
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
mandibee :  this sounds more like he just isnt the guy for you rather than the honeymoon stage being over.

that is highly unattractive to have to act like a mother to someone who is going to be your HUSBAND. 

i’d say you have some things to really think about and consider.

Post # 5
Member
5518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

When a woman undertakes the role of a mother in a sexual relationship, the threads of the erotic energy are cut between those people. Things can get better, with counseling, work and determination. 

Post # 6
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I would have been gone a long time ago. I think the main reason you resent him is because he’s irresponsible and immature. To add insult to injury, you are realizing that the wait wasn’t even worth it.

I dated a guy who couldn’t wipe his own ass. The more intertwined you become with such a guy, the harder it becomes to leave because taking care of him becomes your new normal, and you wonder how he’ll take care of himself once you’re gone.

Getting engaged should be super exciting. It sounds like you’ve been in this relationship for so long, no one IRL knows your situation well enough to tell it to you straight, that you’ve lost your sense of what’s normal and healthy. Listen to your gut. It is telling you very specific reasons why you are unhappy. Never marry a man child. Never ignore red flags, and these flags are very real.

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Yes, these could be red flags. But this could also be a classic case of a couple that doesn’t communicate well.

No one is perfect, and we all have little things we do that get on our partner’s nerves. But if you don’t talk about them together, they’ll just keep building up until you’re sitting on top of a mountain of small resentments. You need to sit down with him and have an open and honest discussion about some of these issues – and don’t do it when you’re feeling angry. approach it in a “let’s figure this out together so our relationship can thrive” way. For example: ask him if he’s concerned about his own health/drinking? If he says yes and admits there might be a problem, then you’re on the same page and you can help him come up with a plan to improve. If he says no, and sees no problem, you can share your concerns with him and see how he reacts.

Post # 8
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee

You don’t have to marry him just because you spent six years together.  You don’t seem happy in the relationship.  It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks your reasons are good or not.  I strongly believe who people chose as their friends is something important to consider.  It sounds like you grew up in the past six years and he didn’t.  

Post # 9
Member
961 posts
Busy bee

You lost me at “all his friends do is drink and get high”.

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