Can this friendship be saved?

posted 6 days ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
2983 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@notsosoon09:  My thoughts are to let this “friend” go. Talking on the phone for 45 minutes straight while at dinner with you friend multiple times is extremely rude behavior. Yes, you didn’t handle your frustration in the best way but then you apologized via letter and called…and she’s dodging you? Not the kind-of friend I would want to keep, OP. 

Post # 3
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

To be on the phone talking or texting for 45 minutes on non-emergent matters when you are supposed to be visiting with a friend is so incredibly rude and inconsiderate that it almost borders on unforgivable.  Yes, maybe you should have spoken up sooner, but she is the one in the wrong and she should not have been surprised in the least that you reacted as you did.  It was big of you to write her an apology note, when she was actually the one who should have been apologizing.

I don’t think there is anything else you can do at this point.  She should have reached out to you by now and apologized for her appalling behavior.

I may be an old lady but I know what good manners are.  Good manners means that when you sit down to dinner with a friend, you TURN OFF your *&#*ing cell phone.  Or at the very, very least, you silence it and you don’t answer it unless an extremely expected and important call comes in.

The idea that we all need to be reachable 24/7 is ridiculous.  I’ll bet those bees who are older know what I am talking about.  We survived just fine before cell phones.  Very well, in fact, and with a lot less stress in our lives.

Post # 4
2479 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m not sure this friendship is salvageable, and I’m not sure you want it to be. If she hasn’t answered your letter or call, I’d let it go. 

If something that merits you speaking up happens again in another friendship, do so before you get to the point of exploding. It is kinder (and a better foundation for a friendship) to be direct. “Hey, I’ve been looking forward to spending time with you. Could you not take long calls while we’re hanging out?” 

Post # 5
776 posts
Busy bee

Wow, how rude. I wouldn’t have apologised at all, just left her there and be done with it.   Making plans with you and then spending all her time on the phone is showing you how little she thinks of you. Her silence is to punish you for calling out her bad behaviour. I would definitely let this ‘friendship’ go. You deserve better.

Post # 6
10403 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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45 minutes talking on the phone – and more than once !!! Nope, walking out on that seems pretty reasonable to me. I don’t see, frankly, that you had anything to aolplogise for and l would certainly not waste any more time on conciliation . Maybe if she grovelled sufficiently, and begged forgiveness and promised never to do it again.. otherwise , forget it OP, 

Post # 7
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

My opinion is slightly different than others. I totally agree that your friend was being completely rude! On the other hand, you don’t know exactly why she was being that way. She might have been raised in a household where it’s normal to do something like that. In college I had a friend who would play games on her phone the whole time you would be socializing with her. I thought it was so rude and I never understood why she did that, until I visited her home. During family dinner at the big communal dining table, EVERY member of the family was doing something else. Dad was reading a book, mom was on her phone, brother was building with blocks, etc. Then I understood that my friend’s definition of “rude” was a bit different than mine! She didn’t realize her behavior could be upsetting because it was so normal to her.

In my opinion, since this is a friend and a person you care about, the right thing to do would have been to bring up your concerns and have a talk about it with an open mind. Maybe she could have enlightened you regarding why she was acting like that, and you would have also had the chance to explain that you find it rude and ask her to stop. Blowing up wasn’t fair to her because by the time you got so upset, she still didn’t even know that you had been perceiving her as rude! You didn’t give her a chance to remedy her behavior, and I don’t think that’s a good way to treat a friend.

I think it’s awesome that you apologized, and I hope she apologizes too now that she knows her behavior was hurting your feelings. With communication, the friendship might still be salvageable, if that’s what you both want, but I think the ball is in her court now. Hopefully you also learned something about good communication and will not bottle your feelings up so much in the future. I hope everything works out for you! 

Post # 8
1322 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Your friend was hella rude, no doubt.  But your response seems dramatic and immature.  If this friendship means anything to you then you owed it to her, and yourself, to confront her behavior directly and give her the opportunity to correct it. Instead you put yourself in the position of questioning your own behavior.  It’s kind of a two wrongs don’t make a right situation.  

Having said that you sent off your apology, good on you, and she has ignored you.  I think it speaks volumes about her character that she is unwilling to own her bad behavior like a mature adult.  As PP have said, it doesn’t seem that this friendship is worth much more of your time. 

Post # 9
13927 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You should have handled this in a better way, but you already know that. That said, the only thing I’d have done differently is to say it was obviously a bad night for her to make plans, you can see she’s busy, and it’s probably best if you leave. Frankly, even if she were to fall all over herself apologizing to you, I don’t see this as a relationship worth saving. 

Even if she was raised in a cave, I don’t buy the argument that she doesn’t know it’s rude. 

Post # 10
379 posts
Helper bee

Rude and disrespectful, unless she apologizes and changes her habits I would let it go. I wouldn’t reach out to her, she knows the deal, she has your note and she chose not to respond.

Post # 11
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

She was really rude, definitely. However, she’s done this several times and not once did you tell her you didn’t like it or ask her to stop. How often do you encounter adults suddenly taking off and leaving you somewhere when you have distressed them? As hard as we try, we all upset people at times, and if instead of talking to us about it and working through it, they snuck around to pay a bill and left without a word, we’d have no friends left. 

Her rudeness might have been worked through and moved past after a single conversation. Some people are just oblivious. Your rudeness? Honestly, if someone doesn’t have the character to address concerns with me, then I’m not interested in their friendship. I would never have been able to trust you again. 

I am concerned that you aren’t taking this flaw as seriously as you should be. In my opinion, this type of behavior is abusive. Instead of addressing a problem, you seethe and then punish the person involved for not reading your mind. You preferred to dynamite the situation, embarrassing her in the extreme, rather than have have an uncomfortable conversation for 5 minutes. It’s bad enough with a friend, but in a romantic relationship this type of flaw is intolerable. 

A note is not enough. I think you probably need a good therapist to work out why you behave this way – my guess is that at some point in your life it didn’t feel safe or ok for you to express yourself. 

Post # 14
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

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@notsosoon09:  I know saying a behavior is abusive is a really disturbing thing, but I am not calling you an abusive person. To me, your behavior is just as destructive as if you stood up in the restaurant and started screaming at her. Both are completely inappropriate, embarrassing, result in a loss of trust, and damaging to relationships. They are just at opposite ends of the spectrum. Imagine you were dating someone who yelled at you all the time. That would be horrible. Now imagine someone who never ever says anything until it’s too late, and then when they inevitably blow up you are taken completely aback, you’ve been given no opportunity to explain/apologize/correct, and the entire relationship is destroyed. That is also horrible. And in both cases, not many would want to resume a friendship where you can never feel secure. 

Where I get that you don’t take this as seriously as you should, is the fact that you seem to be downplaying what is extremely destructive behavior by calling it a mistake or a flaw. This is way more serious than that.

Honestly, if I were your friend, I would want to know how I would be able to trust you going forward. As it stands now, with just an apology note there’s no way I would be able to trust that you wouldn’t just take off and leave the next time you got upset about something. When you apologized, did you explain how you would make sure this never occurred again? Did you take FULL responsibility, or did you do a “yes I did this, buuutt I was angry because you did this,” which isn’t a sincere apology but a justification? If I were this friend, the only thing that would make things better would be for you to tell me something like, “I made a terrible mistake. I was feeling hurt and frustrated that you were choosing to be on the phone rather than spend time with me, but instead of discussing that with you openly I instead chose to say nothing and let it fester. I continued to spend time with you without addressing it, and each time I became more upset, but still I said nothing. This lead to the situation the other night. I really regret the way I handled the situation. It was unkind, disprespectful, and cowardly. I may have been unhappy, but that was no justification for my response. I have decided to address my inability to address things with a therapist and will do my best to discuss issues with you as they arise. I hope you can forgive me for my behavior, but if it is too uncomfortable for you to continue this friendship I understand.”

Do you really want to salvage this friendship? Apart from your reaction, I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who made me feel like I didn’t matter. I think your anger towards her was completely justified. 

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