Post # 1
Hello all! I am a regular user going anon here. I have a really close friend and we have been freinds for a couple years now and she is a really good friend but eabout four times now when the two of us go out to dinenr she is talking (not texting) but talking on her phone for almost 45 minutes straight or answering calls constantly. These aren’t work calls either and she isn’t married with children or anything of that sort.
I am the type of person who instead of saying something right away unfortunately my major flaw is that I let things fester until I finally explode. Well the last time she was on her phone after an 45 minutes I quietly went to the front and asked the waitress for my bill and I paid and left I got so sick of it. My friend drove herself so I didn’t leave her stranded. My friend came running out and started knocking on the driver side window of my car and I rolled it down and told her I’m pretty upset so I will call her tonight and I did but this was week and a half ago and it’s been complete silence on her end. I definitely know for sure I should have told her how I felt right away but do you think she is going to come around? Was I just so in the wrong that this friendship is now not salvagable. I also wrote her an apology letter and put it in the mail right away. Thoughts?
Post # 2
My thoughts are to let this “friend” go. Talking on the phone for 45 minutes straight while at dinner with you friend multiple times is extremely rude behavior. Yes, you didn’t handle your frustration in the best way but then you apologized via letter and called…and she’s dodging you? Not the kind-of friend I would want to keep, OP.
Post # 3
To be on the phone talking or texting for 45 minutes on non-emergent matters when you are supposed to be visiting with a friend is so incredibly rude and inconsiderate that it almost borders on unforgivable. Yes, maybe you should have spoken up sooner, but she is the one in the wrong and she should not have been surprised in the least that you reacted as you did. It was big of you to write her an apology note, when she was actually the one who should have been apologizing.
I don’t think there is anything else you can do at this point. She should have reached out to you by now and apologized for her appalling behavior.
I may be an old lady but I know what good manners are. Good manners means that when you sit down to dinner with a friend, you TURN OFF your *&#*ing cell phone. Or at the very, very least, you silence it and you don’t answer it unless an extremely expected and important call comes in.
The idea that we all need to be reachable 24/7 is ridiculous. I’ll bet those bees who are older know what I am talking about. We survived just fine before cell phones. Very well, in fact, and with a lot less stress in our lives.
Post # 4
I’m not sure this friendship is salvageable, and I’m not sure you want it to be. If she hasn’t answered your letter or call, I’d let it go.
If something that merits you speaking up happens again in another friendship, do so before you get to the point of exploding. It is kinder (and a better foundation for a friendship) to be direct. “Hey, I’ve been looking forward to spending time with you. Could you not take long calls while we’re hanging out?”
Post # 5
Wow, how rude. I wouldn’t have apologised at all, just left her there and be done with it. Making plans with you and then spending all her time on the phone is showing you how little she thinks of you. Her silence is to punish you for calling out her bad behaviour. I would definitely let this ‘friendship’ go. You deserve better.
Post # 6
45 minutes talking on the phone – and more than once !!! Nope, walking out on that seems pretty reasonable to me. I don’t see, frankly, that you had anything to aolplogise for and l would certainly not waste any more time on conciliation . Maybe if she grovelled sufficiently, and begged forgiveness and promised never to do it again.. otherwise , forget it OP,
Post # 7
My opinion is slightly different than others. I totally agree that your friend was being completely rude! On the other hand, you don’t know exactly why she was being that way. She might have been raised in a household where it’s normal to do something like that. In college I had a friend who would play games on her phone the whole time you would be socializing with her. I thought it was so rude and I never understood why she did that, until I visited her home. During family dinner at the big communal dining table, EVERY member of the family was doing something else. Dad was reading a book, mom was on her phone, brother was building with blocks, etc. Then I understood that my friend’s definition of “rude” was a bit different than mine! She didn’t realize her behavior could be upsetting because it was so normal to her.
In my opinion, since this is a friend and a person you care about, the right thing to do would have been to bring up your concerns and have a talk about it with an open mind. Maybe she could have enlightened you regarding why she was acting like that, and you would have also had the chance to explain that you find it rude and ask her to stop. Blowing up wasn’t fair to her because by the time you got so upset, she still didn’t even know that you had been perceiving her as rude! You didn’t give her a chance to remedy her behavior, and I don’t think that’s a good way to treat a friend.
I think it’s awesome that you apologized, and I hope she apologizes too now that she knows her behavior was hurting your feelings. With communication, the friendship might still be salvageable, if that’s what you both want, but I think the ball is in her court now. Hopefully you also learned something about good communication and will not bottle your feelings up so much in the future. I hope everything works out for you!
Post # 8
Your friend was hella rude, no doubt. But your response seems dramatic and immature. If this friendship means anything to you then you owed it to her, and yourself, to confront her behavior directly and give her the opportunity to correct it. Instead you put yourself in the position of questioning your own behavior. It’s kind of a two wrongs don’t make a right situation.
Having said that you sent off your apology, good on you, and she has ignored you. I think it speaks volumes about her character that she is unwilling to own her bad behavior like a mature adult. As PP have said, it doesn’t seem that this friendship is worth much more of your time.
Post # 9
You should have handled this in a better way, but you already know that. That said, the only thing I’d have done differently is to say it was obviously a bad night for her to make plans, you can see she’s busy, and it’s probably best if you leave. Frankly, even if she were to fall all over herself apologizing to you, I don’t see this as a relationship worth saving.
Even if she was raised in a cave, I don’t buy the argument that she doesn’t know it’s rude.
Post # 10
Rude and disrespectful, unless she apologizes and changes her habits I would let it go. I wouldn’t reach out to her, she knows the deal, she has your note and she chose not to respond.
Post # 11
She was really rude, definitely. However, she’s done this several times and not once did you tell her you didn’t like it or ask her to stop. How often do you encounter adults suddenly taking off and leaving you somewhere when you have distressed them? As hard as we try, we all upset people at times, and if instead of talking to us about it and working through it, they snuck around to pay a bill and left without a word, we’d have no friends left.
Her rudeness might have been worked through and moved past after a single conversation. Some people are just oblivious. Your rudeness? Honestly, if someone doesn’t have the character to address concerns with me, then I’m not interested in their friendship. I would never have been able to trust you again.
I am concerned that you aren’t taking this flaw as seriously as you should be. In my opinion, this type of behavior is abusive. Instead of addressing a problem, you seethe and then punish the person involved for not reading your mind. You preferred to dynamite the situation, embarrassing her in the extreme, rather than have have an uncomfortable conversation for 5 minutes. It’s bad enough with a friend, but in a romantic relationship this type of flaw is intolerable.
A note is not enough. I think you probably need a good therapist to work out why you behave this way – my guess is that at some point in your life it didn’t feel safe or ok for you to express yourself.
Post # 12
Trust me I agree I was completely in the wrong for seething and letting the issue fester until I walked out and left I 100% acknowledge that but let’s be clear I am in no way an abusive person. I think everyone makes mistakes in life and is allowed to make mistakes but I did apologize via phone call/text and a personal handwritten card. I like your idea of therapy to teach me how to properly address issues with friends/family instead of just letting things blow up out of control.
I am taking this very seriously not sure where you got from my post that I’m not unless you read something wrong in my OP? I am taking this seriously which is why I wrote her a handwritten letter acknowledging that I was in the wrong on top of calling and texting. But now she is the one completely ignoring my apology too…
If I wasn’t taking this seriously I wouldn’t have bothered to apologize through so many different avenues. You say a note isn’t enough and I honestly don’t mean this in a snarky way but rather I am truly asking what other way should I go about apologizing that you think would be sufficient enough. I appreciate your honest feedback.
Post # 13
Yeah I am definitely kicking myself for leaving her high and dry the way I did and trust me when I say if I could have a redo and go back and handle it differently and just calmly address it with her I would do that. It’s so hard but you’re right the ball is in her court now.
Post # 14
I know saying a behavior is abusive is a really disturbing thing, but I am not calling you an abusive person. To me, your behavior is just as destructive as if you stood up in the restaurant and started screaming at her. Both are completely inappropriate, embarrassing, result in a loss of trust, and damaging to relationships. They are just at opposite ends of the spectrum. Imagine you were dating someone who yelled at you all the time. That would be horrible. Now imagine someone who never ever says anything until it’s too late, and then when they inevitably blow up you are taken completely aback, you’ve been given no opportunity to explain/apologize/correct, and the entire relationship is destroyed. That is also horrible. And in both cases, not many would want to resume a friendship where you can never feel secure.
Where I get that you don’t take this as seriously as you should, is the fact that you seem to be downplaying what is extremely destructive behavior by calling it a mistake or a flaw. This is way more serious than that.
Honestly, if I were your friend, I would want to know how I would be able to trust you going forward. As it stands now, with just an apology note there’s no way I would be able to trust that you wouldn’t just take off and leave the next time you got upset about something. When you apologized, did you explain how you would make sure this never occurred again? Did you take FULL responsibility, or did you do a “yes I did this, buuutt I was angry because you did this,” which isn’t a sincere apology but a justification? If I were this friend, the only thing that would make things better would be for you to tell me something like, “I made a terrible mistake. I was feeling hurt and frustrated that you were choosing to be on the phone rather than spend time with me, but instead of discussing that with you openly I instead chose to say nothing and let it fester. I continued to spend time with you without addressing it, and each time I became more upset, but still I said nothing. This lead to the situation the other night. I really regret the way I handled the situation. It was unkind, disprespectful, and cowardly. I may have been unhappy, but that was no justification for my response. I have decided to address my inability to address things with a therapist and will do my best to discuss issues with you as they arise. I hope you can forgive me for my behavior, but if it is too uncomfortable for you to continue this friendship I understand.”
Do you really want to salvage this friendship? Apart from your reaction, I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who made me feel like I didn’t matter. I think your anger towards her was completely justified.
Post # 15
Ok thank you for clarifying in your response that you weren’t calling me an abusive person. In my apology letter I did acknowledge and state that it was completely wrong of me to get up and just walk out without explaining sooner how I felt and that I shouldn’t have let it fester. I do want to salvage the friendship because she is honestly aside from this one issue a really sweet person which makes me feel even shittier for how I reacted. But to be honest I’m not so sure if she is goingto respond at all to the card or not and that’s what’s making me nervous. Just for reference we are both 30 years old. Also because I met her when she used to work with me we have mutual friends that we hangout with and I didn’t say anything to them about it but I don’t know if she mentioned anything and I don’t want all our mutual friends to turn against me either