Can this friendship be saved?

posted 6 days ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I find it hell rude when someone does that unless it is a true emergency–but not for 45 fucking minutes. would’t apologize either, She should apologize to you, not the other way around.

Post # 18
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I met a few people like this.

It even bothers me when people constantly check their phone especially knowing they are not checking their phone for work or anything important. No and no, both are now gone from my life

Post # 19
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I think you handled it perfectly — especially since she’s done this to you numerous times. I think it was wise to remove yourself from the situation and even better that you opted to call her later after you cooled off instead of potentially arguing at the curb. If you’re able to forgive her for her rude behavior but she can’t accept your apology for what she perceives as rude, than I’d have no interest in repairing the friendship.

Post # 20
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Dear notsosoon09, I really think you’re being WAY too hard on yourself.  She acted very badly, you reacted in a way that was not the best possible way to react but was quite understandable, you wrote her a note of apology, and she has not even responded or ever apologized for her appalling behavior.  If I had to assign blame here, she would get 99.5% and you would get 0.5%..

Post # 21
488 posts
Helper bee

You were both wrong, although she screwed up more than you did.

You admitted your flaw, and it is a major flaw indeed.  You should have spoken up after the first time she did that.  She may have honestly been clueless and leaving her there instead of talking to her blindsided her.  There are nice and not nice ways to handle a situation.

She may have been clueless, as I mentioned, but there is little excuse for ignorance that is so rude that it’s galling.  When I go out to eat with someone, I don’t even have my phone out, let alone spend 45 minutes talking on it DURING THE TIME I’m spending with someone.  I wouldn’t have tolerated more than 5 MINUTES of it, to be honest.  I would have asked her why she is talking to someone else when she is with me, and to call them back later.  (An emergency is one thing, but emergencies don’t take 45 minutes to deal with, and if for some reason they do, that is a one time thing.  Not multiple times!

To answer your question, the friendship might be able to be saved if you both apologize to each other and she changes her behavior.

Post # 23
5920 posts
Bee Keeper

Any updates from your friend?  

I would be frustrated too and have also never said anything when a friend was on the phone the whole time of an outing.  It means we have people pleasing tendencies and don’t assert boundaries until we’re going to yell.  That’s something we need to change.  No worries you’re not alone I suck at that too and am working on it. 

But your friend has to know 45 minutes on the phone who wants to sit next to that?  

Post # 24
1825 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

@notsosoon09:  TBH it could be the fact I’m sleep deprived and 7mo pregnant but I probably would have walked out too.

Although granted I likely would have brought it up with her beforehand – once is annoying, twice is frustrating, four times is rude af.

Fact is you apologised in multiple different formats for your behaviour – but has she offered the same courtesy? If she’s ghosting you, she obviously can’t see too much error in her own behaviour if she’s willing to drag it out and be petty. There’s not much more you can do.

This sounds like a friendship I would not want to put effort into. Life is way too short for this kind of negativity and frustration. 

Post # 25
1103 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply

A few things from my perspective.

Firstly, I’m not sure that it would have been any better if she had been texting rather than talking on the phone. Both are unforgivably rude, in my opinion.

Secondly, whilst I always respect 

View original reply
@strawberrysakura‘s opinion, I completely disagree with her that your response was abusive or destructive. If I had been behaving the way your friend was behaving, continuing a 45 minute, non-urgent phone conversation in the presence of my friend who had set aside her evening (and let’s face it, free evenings as an adult are not exactly abundant) to spend with me, and it was not the first time I had done it but the FOURTH time, I would have fully expected the reaction that you gave. Your getting up and leaving would not have made me blame you – it would have made me mortified about my own behaviour. A person who has the audacity to criticise someone for not wanting to spend their evening feeling like a wall painting so that you can carry on a conversation that doesn’t include them and completely ignore them is more narcissistic than the person who gets up and leaves, in my opinion.

What you did, in getting up and saying with your actions that you had had enough of the situation, was setting a boundary and prioritising your own feelings and time, and I’d have done the same thing.

As for needing to have a conversation where you explain to her why it is not appropriate to have lengthy conversations on the phone while you are out to dinner with someone else and why it upset you, what grown woman needs to be told this?

She knows perfectly well what she was doing wrong, which is why she ran out to the car after you when you got up to leave. 

She doesn’t appreciate being seen and essentially made to feel wrong for this behaviour, which is why she hasn’t contacted you. She has been comfortable up till now in the belief that her behaviour is not that bad. But it is. It is not only bad manners, but it displays a disregard for your time together. It is this thoughtlessness which would totally put me off about the friendship.

I had a similar situation with a close friend last year. I was very long-suffering with her. She didn’t have phone conversations during our time together, but she was consistently between 40 minutes and an hour and a half late. Either that, or she would cancel or postpone mere minutes before we were supposed to meet. This didn’t just happen a couple of times over a long period of time; it was consistently probably dozens of times. I spoke to her about it on 3 or 4 occasions, and finally, the last time I mentioned it, she got very defensive and told me she has ADD and wasn’t capable of sticking to plans and that I needed to make allowances if I was her friend. At that point, I knew I was properly done for good.

Conversations can help sometimes, but I personally believe that, in the case of thoughtless people, they are of limited usefulness.

Post # 26
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

The real question is why would you even WANT to save such a “friendship”. This is not a friend. This is a person who doesn’t respect you, doesn’t value your time and then has the audacity to turn this around on you?! I mean, I’d nope my way out of her life sooner than you can blink and give her a piece of my mind before I show her the door. I cant understand what mature adult behaves this way. 

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