(Closed) Can we ask this of my FI\'s parents?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
47436 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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ChrissyMary9515:  If she is paying and hosting, she makes the decisions.

It would be rude to ask her to tone down the rehearsal dinner so you can have the money for the wedding. It would be completely acceptable for the two of you to indicate a preference for something more low key and relaxing, the night before the wedding. If she still wants to go all out, the two of you can make her aware that your plan is to make an early evening of it ( by leaviing shortly after dinner) so that you are rested up for the next day.

Post # 3
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

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ChrissyMary9515:  I would simply ask her if they’d be willing to put that money towards the actual wedding because thats the day that really “matters”. Then tell her you’d be more comfortable with a low key groomsdinner because you want to relax and not be overwhelmed the day before your wedding. If she can’t understand that, then idk…

Post # 4
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3610 posts
Sugar bee

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ChrissyMary9515:  Traditionally, the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. If your Future Mother-In-Law is super traditional, maybe that’s why she hasn’t offered to contribute money toward the actual wedding despite the fact that she’s clearly able and willing to spend money on you and your Fiance. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her to just contribute whatever amount she was budgeting toward the rehearsal dinner on your wedding instead, but be prepared that she might say no.

Post # 5
Member
644 posts
Busy bee

Depends on your Fiance relationship with her. If its good then i don’t see any harm in asking but be prepared she will want say in the wedding then. But if its a bit rocky it could cause a lot of problems! But its his place to ask not yours its his mother. 

Post # 6
Member
641 posts
Busy bee

 

Don’t ask her to spend her money on the wedding instead. That’s not appropriate.

However, you can absolutely tell her that you’re interested in a low-key rehearsal dinner. If she insists on throwing an extravagant party, you can either go along with it, or turn down her offer to host the Rehearsal Dinner. If you do that, you’ll have to pay for the low-key Rehearsal Dinner yourself, and I would NOT expect her to repurpose the funds she was going to spend toward anything wedding related.

Post # 8
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

I think it would be perfectly ok to let her know that you prefer a low key rehearsal dinner, but I would not ask her to instead contribute the funds to the wedding, that might come across as rude.  Having said that if your Fiance has a good relationship with his mom he may speak to her privately about this issue and see if she could contribute to the wedding instead.  But I think you should stay out of it.  I don’t see anything wrong with your fiance asking, if they are close and have a good relationship.

If my mom had offered to pay for the rehearsal wedding and I had a good relationship with her I wouldn’t have had any problems asking her, but I wouldn’t have wanted my Husband to be involved in that conversation.

Post # 9
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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ChrissyMary9515:  It would be fine to ask her to tone down the rehersal dinner but you should not be asking that she put that money towards the wedding.  Even if it was your Fiance that was to bring it up, it’s not appropriate to ask people to contribute money towards your wedding even if it was money that would have been spent on the rehersal dinner.  Just have your Fiance mention that you both would like a lower key rehersal dinner and leave it at that.

Post # 10
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Vintage Movie Theater

I would absolutely try to get this under control.  I’m sorry this is so stressful for you!  My future in laws were all about a rehearsal dinner, but every time they brought it up I just got more and more stressed out!  I actually told them that we weren’t going to have a rehearsal/rehearsal dinner just bc it was spiralling more and more out of control (it was becomming another mini wedding, just like in your case!)

If you’re doing a normal wedding, everyone should know how to walk down the aisle and you probably don’t need to rehearse.  That would solve a lot of that stress and you could just do something low key with your bridal party the night before. You might get a little push back if this is her “thing” but if it’s already stressing you out, please set your terms!

After I decided to skip the rehearsal dinner, my ffil decided to pay for the photographer instead.

Post # 12
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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ChrissyMary9515:  I’m similar. We’re having a pretty big wedding and it’ll be nice, but also fairly low-key. Buffet meal, out-door ceremony, etc. FMIL/FFIL weren’t too keep on it to start. Future Mother-In-Law especially kept suggesting this resort outside of Dallas and just for foot and drink at the reception alone, we’d be paying more than we’re paying for EVERYTHING else currently. I finally make the “joke” when she brought the resort up again, that if they wanna pay $35,000 for food and drink… as well as everything else, we’d be more than happy to accept it. It ended that discussion.

However, they are paying for the rehearsal dinner, so they get to make all the calls with that. They’re planning it at a nice steak house. We did have one area of input: Fiance and I told them we’d like to keep it very small. Wedding party and immediate family only. No exceptions. We were able to use our large families as an excuse so it wouldn’t be 80+ people invited to this dinner. They were ok with that and it’s been a non-issue (with them.. my mom is another story).

Post # 13
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

You and I are going thru the exact same thing!  We wanted everything low key, got suckered into a whole thing. Regarding the rehearsal dinner, I would ask for something small and if she decides on her own to give you the money she saved then that is up to her.  If she doesn’t then Fiance can maybe ask later on, so it doesn’t seem like your end game was to get money out of it. 

Post # 14
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

Can your fiance talk to her? It might be better received if it comes from him. You probably shouldn’t ask for that money directly (even though I can see why that is most desireable). It just seems like it could be a touchy request. But you can ask that your and your fiance’s wishes are met in other ways..like a lower-key rehearsal dinner. I believe there is compromise in everything. Perhaps if your fiance came from a standpoint of how these wishes would make him very happy, that would set the tone for her and make her more likely to come around to your guys’ way of thinking.

Post # 15
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

The rehearsal dinner belongs to the groom’s mother as her opportunity to shine. It ought to be refreshing to run across an example of a hostess who sees this as a privilege, an opportunity rather than a chore; who steps up enthusiastically to plan and produce a lovely dinner without having to be nagged or guilted into it as if it were a burdensome obligation.

But traditional formal etiquette cautions hostesses on the groom’s side, that they must never try to, nor even seem to, outshine the wedding itself. To show off her ability, whether due to wealth or superior taste, to cast the bride’s mother into the shade, is vulgar ostentation and in the worst of taste.

So, it is not only your fiance’s right, but in fact his duty, to gently counsel his mother to tone it down. If she refuses to listen to him, well, at least it reflects badly only on her. But if she can indeed be persuaded to tone it down, then whatever money she saves goes right back into her own pocketbook to spend on something she wants — it’s not your place to lay claim on it for your wedding celebrations. To suggest that would make it look like your objections to her plans were purely mercenary, rather than a consideration of good taste.

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