(Closed) Can we help a crush? What to do about it?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@RantMonster:  “What gets me is that she is good at all the things I’m not so great at, and all the things that DH loves in a woman. She is REALLY good at socializing (always makes everyone feel comfortable, never says anything embarassing or stupid like I do), super friendly (where I come off as overbearing to alot of people), VERY successful in her career, (where I am still job-hunting), and very very intelligent (where I feel like a phony most of the time).”

 

it seems like the issues you have are mostly with yourself and not with him.  and i’ve  been there numerous times!  the reality is that even if you cut this woman out of your social circle (even though she seems to be really cool and everyone likes her), there are going to be other nice, funny, beautiful women out there.  the key is to work on yourself and your confidance/self esteem to be able to deal with them and trust your FI when he tells you that you have nothing to worry about.

Post # 4
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I hope I do not get flamed for this, but here is my take…

It is awesome you are so secure with your relationship!!  It is awesome you are able to zone in on your feelings, and then communicate to your SO, and in return, him reply honestly. 

However, regardless of all your securities, and regardless of being in a trusting relationship, I also believe in this circumstance boundaries need to be set, and quickly!!

I think it is only human to establish crushes from time to time, however, I think it is equally important to make smart conscientious choices and protect yourself from developing any further feelings! This is not just you, perhaps, being insecure about a friendship your SO has with another female, but more so, he admitted to the crush!

I do not care if I were Elle McPherson, his time with her needs to be limited – perhaps to keeping it just a work relationship, and less of a good friends situation.  If he cannot understand your feelings toward this, then he needs to ask himself ‘of the situation were reversed, then what would I want my gf/fi/wife to do?!’

Post # 6
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@OUgal0004:  +1,000!!!!!!

 @RantMonster:   I would ask your husband if he’d feel comfortable if this situation were reversed, and it was a male co-worker of yours who was “perfect for you” and made him feel insecure.  Would he want to socialize with the guy?

Although you trust each other, there’s no sense in playing with fire in a relationship.  Sooner or later you’re going to get burned.  It’s called reality.

He needs to back off of this friendship with this other woman and stop spending so much time with her if it’s making you feel this uncomfortable.

This reminds me of something that happened to me several years ago, when I was single. A married co-worker and friend eventually confessed his “crush” on me.  Ugh.  Not a good situation to be in, for me or his wife!  He told me how “perfect in every way” I was for him and that I was “his type.”  He also told that to his wife (he told me after the fact).  I backed off of that friendship because I didn’t want his wife to hate me, or think anything was going on – because nothing was, on my part at least.

Post # 8
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Sunfire:  Good on you for ending the friendship! Very wise move. It’s good to know that there are still women like you who think carefully about the male/female dynamic and do the right thing quickly… (it seems like many women these days don’t think twice about circumstances like these because they’re seemingly “harmless” …and they naively continue to allow emotions/feelings to develop further…)  

Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

Did he actually say that he was attracted to her? Or was he maybe not really ‘getting’ what you were saying?

There is a big difference between your partner agreeing that someone is very attractive/clever/nice and actually being attracted to them. And then continuing to socialise with them, knowing that they felt this attraction.

If my partner admitted to having a crush, I would go absolutely berserk. I would NOT be OK with it, however much that’s the mature thing and blah blah blah. This to me has nothing to do with a lack of self-confidence and I don’t see it as your issue whatsoever.

I agree with the previous poster that it’s your partner’s responsibility to take a step back from this woman. That, to me, is the respectful thing to do.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

having a crush on someone and finding them attractive are two completely different things.  if he does, in fact, have a crush- which i define as the desire to get to know someone better and take things further than where they currently are- then YES.  totally cut her off.  but attraction?  i find people attractive every day.  doesn’t mean i’m EVER going to take it further.

Post # 11
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

i also think that saying to my FI “i feel like this woman is your type, and you’re probably attracted to her on more than just a physical level” is a bit of a trap, IMO.  like i said, i find lots of people attractive not just physically but they could be hilarious and awesome.  i don’t consider myself having crushes on any of them.  except ryan gosling.  but that’s a comletely different story.

Post # 12
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@OUgal0004:  Yeah but he can’t just spend the rest of his life not hanging out with attractive women because his SO feels threatened by them. That’s some pretty unhealthy advice. 

Post # 13
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I definitely agree with @OUgal0004:.  It is very important in a relationship that you guard yourself from inappropriate relationships.  Now, no lines have been crossed yet – but the minute an individual starts having feelings – emotionally, physically, whatever… its best to jump ship and restrict contact with that person.  You both need to protect your relationship and guard your hearts & minds against things like this.

Post # 14
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@OUgal0004:  Absolutely.

 

While you can’t get all communist on him, you should establish boundaries. My SO and I have been through the ringer with stupid flirtatious girls, and it caused a break-up we’ve gotten over. However, that said — there is no reason not to let him know about what you feel is stepping over the line. It clarifies boundaries and most of the time, when you “attack” (their words) a guy, they don’t know why it’s happening. In discussing it, you provide healthy feedback on his actions. If he is not inclined automatically to back off of the relationship, you are entitled as the primary woman in his life to request he does not engage in any kind of depth in relationship with her and keep it as an “at work” maximum.

However, being outwardly jealous, in my experience, drives people to do things they wouldn’t without the fuel of jealousy present. So be reasonable in your approach, but remember that your boundaries are an important part of your relationship. Being committed to each other means making daily compromise, and that does not mean you right now. He needs to know that to keep you happy, his relationship with her at any level must cease to exist. Caring for your feeilngs is more important than hers, as far as he should be concerned, so your worries should be a primary priority to him. -=]

Post # 15
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@BridieBea:  I agree, but that is not what I said, nor the question she asked.

The OP is secure in her relationship, even stated him hanging out with gal pals, attractive woman, etc, does not make her jealous at all.  Nor should it, with anyone in a healthy, trusting relationship!

However, her SO admitted to having a crush on this friend, of which she is friends with too.  Although crushes are only human, my advice, as other’s agreed was that in this instance a boundary needs to be set asap.  Especially because this friend is also his co-worker.  That would not be unhealthy, but rather, protecting your relationship further!  Im sorry we disagree on that though!!

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