(Closed) Can we talk…adoption?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m speaking from no experience here, but though I’d chime in. My best friend, well her husband was in the same situation. Biological children wasn’t an option for them. Instead, they used a sperm donor and proceeded to get pregnant that way. The father sees him as his own, and surpringsly, looks similar to both of them. Just a thought for you!

I have three adoptive relatives in my family. Two from the states and one from overseas. All seemed to work without a hitch, and most had assistance from their jobs, so something you can also look into.

Post # 3
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am not speaking from personal experience either (yet) but just wanted to offer my thoughts.  I have always wanted children too – i was born to be a mother.  and luckily for me, my husband has a daughter, so i got a packaged deal with the two of them and i AM a parent now!  however, we want more children.  i had a stillborn baby about 18 years ago and, at the time, there was no real medical explanation for it – docs just decided it was not a viable fetus.  long story short, it wasn’t just an isolated event and i am not able to carry a baby – which has been pretty hard to make peace with.  however, we will be starting the adoption process within the next 18 months.  life keeps moving and it rarely works out the way we thought it would.  i was made to be a mother but there is more than one way to get there.  adoption will also be a way to help a child in need of a family.

Post # 4
Member
9406 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I have no experience.  I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for the emotional stress that news must have placed on you… and I am so happy for your baby, who’se out there waiting for you to find him or her.  (Or maybe they’re not waiting just yet… but either way they’ll be so happy to find you!)

 

Post # 5
Member
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

I am adopted. I would say try to have a relationship with the birth parents, even through letters if possible. This way all the feelings involved in this process for you, your husband and the child can be talked about out in the open and the child can know things about him/herself like does he look like his mom or dad? who’s eyes did he get? etc. 

These are questions plus loads of others I have craved answers for but haven’t had success in finding my birth mother. I need to hire a private detective and don’t have the money for that. It also brought up a lot of hurt feelings from my adopted parents. They felt like I was going to find my birth parents and forget about them. They would always say, “its not like they are rich and going to take care of you like we have.” They have never been supportive of me finding my birth parents and it makes it difficult for me. 

I wish you all the luck in the world and think its awesome that you will give a child a home!!!

Post # 6
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My brother is adopted. I don’t really remember the process, but it went smoothly for my parents. He was three years old when he came home to us from the Philippines. It was an adjustment in the beginning, but what isn’t. 

My brother doesn’t have a relationship with his birth parents since they abandoned him as a child and he has no interest in finding them. He’s also never asked a lot of questions. He’s been pretty happy with the family he was raised in. My brother, though Asian, says he gets his brown eyes from mom and his head of hair from dad. He feels 100% biological to our parents. He’s never questioned anything. My mom was always open and honest with him. 

DH and I aren’t ready for kids. While I do feel my biological clock is ticking, we aren’t anywhere near ready. We decided if we have trouble down the road – we’d look into adoption. I grew up knowing several kids who were adopted and I loved the ways it brings different families together.

I’m not sure if youre interested in US adoption or abroad. My parents adopted abroad, because at the time, it was a little cheaper and a lot less red tape. My parents were also in their 40s at the time and the US wasn’t interested in them adopting a child so young – they were worried about them dying (they are still ticking). I’m sure things have changed … maybe.  

Post # 8
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

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mrsfry2015:  Yes, yes, YES x1000 to open adoption if at all possible. I am adopted from Korea and there’s almost no likelihood of being able to find my biological parents. I always felt like something was missing growing up and I still do. I dream of being able to see myself in biological relatives…to see my features and even mannerisms mirrored in other people. I can’t wait to have a kid so I can experience this for the very first time. Even not having any kind of medical history really sucks as I start working on ttc myself. 

Adoption is SO much more complicated than the way it’s portrayed in the media, which is basically: grateful adoptee saved by amazing, selfless adoptive parents. All of the emotions that go into it can be very complex (and even more so if you are adopting internationally or outside of your race!). When I was a child I “acted out” a bit more than is normal, but in a way that is actually very typical for adopted children. I’d suggest reading a book called “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier if you’re interested in going down this route. 

Post # 9
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2022

I am adopted, and so are all 6 of my younger siblings…so while no, I have no experience adoptiong as a parent, I do have quite a bit of experience with adoption itself!

My adoption was a closed adoption which meant that my parents had no relationship with my birth mother at all (father wasn’t even in the picture, and to this day, at almost 25 I still don’t know who he is)…and honestly, the very worst part about it was not knowing if I looked like my mom or not. I know that might sound petty, but I’m 1 of 9 kids, and I was, until last year the only one who had absolutely no idea what their biological mother looked like — my older brothers are my parents’ biological kids, and the rest of my siblings had pictures. Now that’s the worst part. The hardest part was growing up and getting asked questions or having assumptions made about me all the time because I’m black, and my parents are white…so people would say I was lying about who my parents were, or stare at us, or assume that my dad was black after meeting my mom…and the question that always bothered me the most was “do you know your real parents?” I knew people meant my biological parents, but that’s not what they said. When I got older I started saying yes, I do, I’ve only lived with them for X years because it would get people to shut up.

Now don’t get me wrong — adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing, but it’s not always an easy path. I was young when I was adopted (only 4 1/2 months old), so my parents are the only parents I have ever known. My four youngest siblings were adopted from Haiti, and not only do they remember their birth mothers, they were adopted at older ages (3 and 5 were the first set, and the twins were 4), and from orphanages, with the oldest of them remembering taking care of our brother in the orphanage (they are blood siblings) for the two years they were there, starting at age 3!

I’m not sure if this was any help or not, but I hope it was. pretty much what I’m trying to sa is, adopt if you feel compelled to, and look into open adoptions if you want your kids to have relationships with their birth parents, but know that closed adoptions are more common and that if your kid wants to find their birh parents later, it can be really hard — it as for me, and in fact, it was my birth mom’s lie to the agency that led me to her. Either way, adoption isn’t easy, but it’s worth it! 

I want to adopt, when the time is right, even if I can have biological children, but I personally wouldn’t even consider an open adoption. I think that would just be too hard for me, and too confusing for my child because then, who is mommy? I would want an agreement though that when the child turns 18, if s/he wants, then their bio mother’s info be released to them. But again, adoption is very personal, and that’s just me.

Post # 10
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

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michelle0919:  my friend used adoption star and it was and continues to be amazing. I know they are in a few states. Another friend of mine fostered, then adopted the children. It was much cheaper but obviously very emotional with a lot of court time.

 

Good luck to you!!!

Post # 11
Member
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

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lildropofsunshine:  Your parents sound like my in laws! Adopt all the chldren seemed to be their motto. They had 4 biological children (well, 6 but 2 were stillborn) and adopted 9. They also fostered, they really just wanted to help everyone. 

View original reply
michelle0919:  I think that adoption is a wonderful way to create a family, I understand that wanting to experience pregnancy and having to let go of that dream will be hard, but pregnancy is 9 month, and parenthood is forever. My husband is adopted, he loved his parents very much, they were amazing people. He knows and has a relationship with his bio mom, but has never met his bio father. He never felt the need to find or talk to his bio dad.

My aunt is also adopted, my Grandma had a traumatic delivery with my mom and she was unable to have more children. My aunt and my mom are super close, no one talks about her being adopted or think of her differently, she contacted her bio mom when she was having children for medical history and that was it. She is totally happy with the parents/family she has. She looks a lot like our other family members, it blew my mind when my Grandma told me she was adopted because she really looks like everyone else. 

Post # 12
Member
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m in the UK and my family and I are currently in the process of going through assessments to foster a 3 month old baby. We have just been granted approval and are relieved that he is coming to live with us.

Fostering is rather different to adopting (he may be able to return home to his parents, or he may stay with us for good), so I’m not sure if you want to hear about my experiences, but please drop me a message if you do. In short it is exhausting and emotional (and this is only the beginning!) but we’d do it again and again no question.

Post # 13
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I am not speaking from my personal experience, but am speaking from that of a few friends. They all fostered to adopt and when I tell you it is the most beautiful, amazing thing ever, it is! I think if you can’t have biological kids of your own, and you have a gift of loving and being nurturing, then God intended for you to parent in a different way. I have cried on many occasions of how much of a blessing my friends  have been to the kids and the impact they have had in their lives thus far. One friend tried and tried for nearly a decade to conceive and now she wonders why she didn’t go this route sooner. She is so incredibly happly with her new baby boy. I also know a lady who could not have children. She had surgery as a college student that prevented her from having them. She is a mother to everyone literally. I am a fully grown adult and she spoils me! She is one of the most giving people I know.

There are many little ones in need of love and support from a good family. You will be a parent. Be wishes with whatever you decide to do.

Post # 14
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

My parents are in the middle of adopting three children. I call them my siblings already. My parents fostered them since they were 3, 4 and 5 years old. They are now 6, 7 and 8 now. The middle one has Down Syndrome and he’s the love of our lives! They all are!!!!! Their parents are very unstable, in and out of jail and all. My parents have a good relationship with the family and they drive the kids to see them every other week. 

Honestly, adopting is the way to go! Especially children who are orphans or foster children. You guys will be giving them a loving home!  

Post # 15
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Two of my siblings are adopted and are different colors than the rest of us. They both came as infants and after the first day of “wow! We have a baby here Now!” It wasn’t any different than if they’d been biological.  My parents have always been very open; they tell the boys their “coming home” story just like they told my sis and I the stories of when we were born.  It’s been a great experience and except for the obvious color difference you’d never know they weren’t biological. DH and I would be open to adopting some day in addition to our bio kids too. Big fans 😉

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