Post # 1
- Wedding: February 2015 - Weddings at Tiffany's, Maleny
This is my very first post. I have been a reader for months just trying to get information and support – and now I would love some actual advice.
I have wanted a man since before I became a teenager, and I’ve always had one since. I’ve been ‘promise ringed’ to, and been with 2 other men who would have married me at the drop of a hat had I said ‘please do’.
Now I’m a little older, and of course – dating younger than I ever have (he is only 2 years older than me at 24). I will fight and have arguments when I see fit, but after 1.5 years of dating still we get along like best friends and he is near perfect for me.
Poetic justice…. he says he doesn’t want to think about marriage until he is 30. WHAT?? I guess I deserve it for breaking so many other mens’ hearts.
So maybe after another year or so – do any of you have experience with being with someone who said they won’t marry you for years or ever, only to come around sooner because you’re obviously meant to be?
(other contributing factors: I graduate my degree, and he graduates post-grad at the end of this year)
Post # 3
Nope. Believe him. I’ve dated guys that said that and now at 30 they’re either still not married or just starting to come around to it.
Post # 4
Eight years is a long time to wait, and you are still really young. I completely understand your SO when he says he wants to wait until 30. I doubt it has anything to do with you personally. I never even considered getting married until I was in my late 20s.
I doubt he is going to change his mind after a year, especially if he’s fresh out of post grad and building his career. If you really feel the need to be married soon, it would probably be best to leave him and find someone with a similar timeline.
Post # 5
I don’t know that I COULDN’T change a man’s mind….. but I wouldn’t WANT to.
I value authenticity and autonomy…. and I don’t ever want to feel that I “caused” someone to do something that might make them happy.
He might marry you, because he loves you and he fears you might walk and he doesn’t want to lose you. But is that why you want someone to marry you? Because you have the upper hand?
I would plan around his timeline and go from there. If you want to stay….. do. But stay with acceptance of his needs.
Having said that….. I said I would NEVER get married again. Ever. I ended a 3 year relationship with someone I truly loved because I didn’t want to get married. But look at me…… married!
Post # 6
Maybe he will but then again MAYBE he wouldn’t so I wouldnt want to deal with even more potential pain. My ex used to say MAYBE and “in a few years.” I left him when we were together almost 7 years.
Post # 7
You can’t change his mind, only he can do that. If a man says he’s not ready, he’s NOT ready. Why worry about if he’ll change his mind? You’re still young, focus on what makes you happy and learn more about yourself!
Post # 8
People can’t even change themselves, much less someone else.
I would take his word for it that he has a timeline in mind. Women have timelines all the time… so do men. Some people feel like milestones need to be reached or goals to be accomplished before ” settling down”.
Post # 9
Time to explore the joys of dating men in their late 20s! You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change!
Post # 10
no. and i wouldnt want be married to someone i had to convince to be ready to marry me
Post # 11
I would take some time with him to explore the reasons why he chose 30. What does he think marriage means?
Is there any particular reason why he doesn’t want to think about marriage now? Perhaps he thinks you will make him stop playing video games, or having fun? Or he will be so saddled with housework or house payments that he won’t enjoy life. Or that you will have to have babies right away. Or maybe he has a number in mind of how much money he needs to have or to make in order to be married.
If you can at least discuss the reasons why he feels this way, you may be able to reassure him that it can be a good, satisfying, and fun thing to be married earlier.
Post # 12
Here is a novel idea- why don’t you change your mind? Why is the onus on him to change his mind?
If he doesn’t want to get married until he is at least 30 and you want to be married before then it is up to you to decide whether you are willing to wait or to go and find someone who has the same timeframe as you.
Pushing hi to marry before he is ready will just lead to resentment and problems in the marriage.
Post # 13
As other posters have said, you can’t change anybody else’s mind – either over time or in the moment.
You can, however, make a case for whatever it is you want to achieve, and then the other person can make up their own mind about whether or not to go along with your agenda.
Sounds like you’ve already made your case for getting married sooner rather than later, and he’s rejected that and given you a time frame. You can accept that and wait, accept that and walk, or stick around and keep re-presenting your request. There’s no way to predict how any of those choices might turn out in the end . . .
Post # 14
I did change my mans mind…initially he wasn’t for it, although now he is OK with it, I feel Im in somewhat of a different situation as we are in our 50’s and its not about a future or children. We already live together and are like married. We cook, clean, eat, sleep and vacation together. I think its time to be married. He doesn’t feel the same way but says we will get married since he wants me to be happy. I want to ensure my future and he doesn’t want to live without me.
Post # 15
no, and men will resent you for trying.
Post # 16
Thing is, in 6 years he may well change his own mind!! My guy is now 26 and has just recently realised he is 26 (not 21 anymore!) and about 2 years ago he was like ‘nothing’s happening before I’m 28’ (I have no idea what magical thing would happen when he turns 28 but whatever). Our friends are all getting married and having babies, I’m getting pestering, he’s actually getting a bit broody-and wham! We’ll get engaged this year 🙂
OK so fine it’s not a miracle or anything, he’s just brought his timeline forward a year, but the point is, boys grow up (slowly but it does happen), they realise they ARE grown ups and their priorities DO change. So unless your guy is super stubborn or has some weird reasoning for the 30 cut off, he may well change his own mind.
And then of course there’s the age old tactic of planting an idea or suggestion and him thinking its his own… Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it!!