(Closed) Can you change your SO? ;)

posted 10 years ago in Grooms/men
  • poll: Can you change your SO?

    You can't change your SO, and that's that. Don't even try!

    You shouldn't want to change your SO, at least not in big ways.

    It's OK to change your SO when it comes to household tasks, etc.

    I've got my SO trained, at least when it comes to household tasks, etc.

    It's OK to nudge your SO in certain directions... unbeknownst to him.

    My SO is a work in progress, and he knows it! He's willing to change.

    Something else that I'll explain below!

  • Post # 3
    4693 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    This post reminds me of this article I saw on the Bee awhile ago. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 4
    13094 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I don’t think you should want to change you SO nor should you have any hopes or expectations that it will happen.

    Yes – some of your habits may rub off on him but they may not.  If something is going to bother you and drive you crazy if it doesn’t change – don’t expect that it will change.

    Post # 5
    2312 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Your mom is right. People don’t change. 

    Post # 6
    7691 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Its true that people dont change in big ways but that doesnt mean they cant change at all. When DH and I first started living together he was terrible at cleaning and keeping up with chores. He had only ever lived at home or with guys so he was very messy and it was always up to me. After many discussions about why I need him to help out, he has really come around. Occasionally I will see him cleaning some dishes without me even asking him to do so!!

    Post # 7
    3977 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I think it depends on what it is. When you move in together everybody has to make compromises with the way they do things and learn how to live together harmoniously. That includes a measure of change. I think as long as you’re willing to make small changes as well on things that aren’t a big deal and/or see the logic in the way he does things and not immediately mark it as “wrong” then it’s not terrible to expect small changes in return.

    Expecting big changes is another matter. He’s not going to become a gourmet cook who loves washing dishes every night. He’s not going to become a laundry connoisseur who hand washes your delicates after adding Downey on the rinse cycle. He may learn to accept an under the counter kitchen trash rather than a large side cabinet one. He may remember to dump his clothes in the hamper rather than leaving them on the bathroom floor.

    There’s a difference between logical small expectations and illogical idealistic expectations as far as changes go. Where the line is?…..no clue ๐Ÿ˜€

    Post # 8
    4753 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Heard this once:

    Women marry men hoping they’ll change… they don’t.

    Men marry women hoping they won’t change…. they do.

    Changing a man really depends, small little habits, maybe just a few, but if you attempt to get thim to change a trait or personality you’re going to fail and going to fail bad. And WHY on earth would you attempt this change after and engagementment or worse yet, after marriage. That’s why we date, to figure out how to work the relationship! If you can’t get it in good order before marriage why on earth would you think it’s going to change after?

    Post # 9
    2392 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think it depends what type of change.  People’s personalities don’t really change much, but I think in terms of things like household chores, it’s a little different.  Chores and the like are things that nobody likes to do, but people grow up, get a little more mature (feel more ownership of the home and space they live in rather than just living with a bunch of roommates), and realize that they have to do them. 

    The things you’re doing sound like great ideas to me!  I don’t think it’s a fundamental personality change to go from leaving trash on the table to putting it in the garbage can which he can reach from the couch, but it certainly makes less of a mess.  I think incentives and nudges like that work a lot better than nagging. 

    Post # 10
    2903 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    People do change, just not necessarily (or not usually) when pushed.

    Post # 12
    39 posts
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Of course, people can seem to change!!! Mostly when they are getting something out of the transition or because they really want to for whatever the reason.

    Don’t forget, everyone person is an actor! So the change could be temporary. He could be doing those things because right now he is soooooo in love with you. But when you piss him off???? Shit may hit the ceiling! Then again, he could have actually changed for himself.

    View original reply
    @vmec:I agree 100%.

    For your SO, leaving trash lying around is like an addiction. Everybody has an addiction, so he’s not alone in this. And even tho he may seem like he’s managing right now, I promise you he has to remind himself everytime to do away with his trash. It’s not like it has become second nature to him or anything. But for the rest of his life, he will try to do this one thing to please you. And I do not call that change. I call that Give and Get. In his mind, he gives you what you want so he can get what he wants. NOT CHANGE!!!!

    Not trying to be negative, only truthful.

    Post # 14
    11324 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I feel like we could both change a bit, and we both work on it. Of course you shouldn’t want to change the major personality traits of your mate… why would you marry them if you did? But I think there is a certain amount of growth that is healthy. For example… I think I’ve helped my Fiance change the way that he deals with anger and insecurity. He used to have a really fast temper and that was not acceptable to me. We’ve worked through that and now when he’s angry we discuss it, which works so much better. He also used to be a lot more self-conscious. I think I’ve helped improve his self-esteem a lot and he now believes that he can do things he never thought he could before (especially academically and professionally). 

    At the same time, I think that he’s helped me to become a more empathetic person and to see that life isn’t as black and white as I used to think it was. He challenges me to be less judgmental. 

    I think we’re both changing and I think we’re making each other better people and better partners. 

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