Post # 1
I was talking to a married friend, and she said that if she met someone new and sparks flew… she wouldn’t be able to control her feelings. She could see herself falling in love with someone else besides her husband, if the right circumstances came along. To her, love is this outside force that she can’t control.
I had a hard time relating to that. I also see love/attraction as something I don’t control 100%… but I can absolutely control whether or not I let myself fall in love with someone else. If I met another woman and felt a spark, i would just cut things off and not spend time with that person. Or if I had to spend time with her for some reason, I would just smother my feelings and make sure no feelings developed.
I guess to me, love is like food. When I don’t want to eat food, I just don’t keep any in the house (as in, any food at all – the only food in my fridge when I was a bachelor was eggs). I may not be able to control my urges to eat food, but I can control whether or not I have the opportunity to eat it at all!
Anyway it just got me curious: do you guys see love as something you can control? What would you do if you met someone else (besides your FI) and felt sparks start to fly?
Post # 3
I think you can’t control it finding you, but you sure can control how you react. Like you can just stay away from it…you can’t be tempted by something that isn’t there.
Post # 4
Ooh, good question! I definitely think love is something that you can control. It’s been proven time and again that that initial spark, infatuation, what have you is entirely chemical, and always fades with time. Yeah, it feels good, but it’s NOT love. You can live without the person. Like you said, if you feel it, get away! You are not a slave to the chemicals in your brain! True love is a choice, a sacrifice sometimes, and definitely not just that swooping sensation in your stomach when you see that special someone. I would be horrified if my FH felt like your friend, her husband can never truly trust her.
It sounds to me like your friend fell for the storybook image of love, and thought that chemical, infatuated love would last forever. Realistically, it usually lasts somewhere around 2 years. The reason she could see herself falling for someone else probably has more to do with her missing those endorphins, and not understanding what real, mature love is.
Post # 5
I think it is naive to say you’ll never be attracted to another person as long as you live, but you can "nip it in the bud" and try to spend less time with that person, or make sure to bring up your spouse to the person.
I know I’ve met men that seem to fill gaps in my relationships (pre-engagement), but I have never cheated on a Boyfriend or Best Friend….same thing goes for having a crush on someone then finding out they are "taken"…I won’t be the other woman even if they hit on me.
Post # 6
I just thought, this question reminds me a little of the movie He’s Just Not That Into You…I just saw it last night.
Post # 7
I believe that an initial spark…that’s just chemistry. But love…is a relationship. It’s time and experience invested in another person. And sure, chemistry is an important part of it, but not all of it. If you met someone and had a spark, just tell them they’re an @$$hole and make sure they hate you. It’s like having a house with no food. Or poisonous food.
Post # 8
Love is a behavior.
Feeling attracted to other people even though you’re committed to someone is totally normal—after all, you’re married, not dead. But if I felt attraction to another person then I would find a way to channel those feelings into my relationship with my husband. If you are married your first obligation should be to love the one you’re with and to cultivate that relationship. Removing yourself from tempting circumstances is of course also helpful.
Maybe your friend believes in love at first sight? It seems like we all agree that you can’t help feeling attracted to others, but maybe for her love follows on the heels of attraction much more easily than for the rest of us, so much that it would be there before she had a chance to control it. After all, many of us fell for our partners really fast. But really that sounds more like infatuation than love. And regardless of your feelings, love or otherwise, what really matters is what you do with them. If you can fall into love this easily then you can probably fall out of it just as swiftly. If it happens just start looking for their bad qualities and it too shall pass.
Post # 9
Yeah, I agree with all of the above.. what your friend is talking about is something that I’ve had a LOT, both before and after I started dating my husband — a crush! 🙂 I know I told my husband (when he was still my BF) about one of the crushes, just so I knew he knew and wouldn’t be tempted. Now I don’t feel as much need to tell him, because I know that I am just seeing all of the sexy, wonderful things about the person, but I will soon discover all of their awful, annoying things as well and just need to wait it out.
Post # 10
I don’t think you can control having feelings for a person, but you can choose to enable them, or not. Before my Fiance and I were together, he was with one of my good friends for over a year. Before that I had feelings for him, but once they started dating, I smothered those feelings and tried to move on. We did end up eventually getting together a couple years later, but during the time they were dating, I tried to spend less time around him so the temptation wasn’t there as much.