(Closed) Can you decode this family situation?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

It sure is hard to know through written communication (email) what the tone is?  Your aunt sure shouldn’t be “pissy” considering how much earlier you planned your wedding date, and if it was really important to them, your aunt or cousin and Jenny should have checked with you or your family!  Too bad for them.  I guess I would just wonder how this aunt usually acts?  What does your mom think? 

Post # 5
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

It sounds like she’s trying to make some underhanded comments about you being “poor” or something. And I’m not sure why your cousin would invite you to her wedding. Are you showers going to have pretty much the same guest list or something? Could be that they want to actually help the guests on that one, but then again it could be so that she can let your cousin one up you the entire day and make you feel like crud. I don’t know your aunt very well, so I can’t judge it.

Post # 7
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like her nose maybe bent a little bit out of shape-but I am not sure what her motive is for having a joint shower.  Maybe it will be so that everyone can get together since you won’t be at each other’s weddings, or maybe she has other motives?  I hope not!

Post # 8
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

To me, it just seems like she is just trying to be nice. She might have worded it differently, but if I had received this email, that is how I would take it.

Post # 11
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

To clarify the situation – is there just one mutual aunt that is affected by your cousin’s wedding date?  Is your cousin close to that aunt? And has she not seen you and your parents for 10 years?  

If your cousin chose this wedding date, then she needs to be okay with the consequences (that any mutual relatives will attend your wedding, since you chose the date first). 

There are many potential pitfalls with planning a joint shower.  You really don’t want to argue with someone unreasonable about the guest list, who will pay for what, and how you will decorate and entertain your guests.   You don’t need this kind of stress – especially if you are not terribly close with your cousin and are (perfectly justifiably) annoyed that they chose the same wedding date as you.  I’m also not terribly clear on the logistics of coordinating a joint bridal shower when there are three hours distance between the bride’s hometowns.  Do you actually know anyone in your cousin’s hometown?  Or will this be an awkward situation where your cousin opens up gifts from many people and you sit on the side watching since none of the guests know you?

Post # 13
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Is it possible that Cousin and Jenny are on a budget and actually choose the same date in hopes that family would attend yours instead of theirs? That was my first thought.

Just because their family lives like they have money, in your opinion, doesn’t mean 1) they actually have money saved to pay for something like a wedding or 2) anyone besides the bride and groom are chipping in.

Post # 14
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I read into the email a little differently… does she want to hold a joint shower so that Jenny receives more gifts? If I were invited to a joint shower, I would bring two gifts, even if I didn’t know the second bride. 

I find it very bizarre that they picked the same date and even when they learned you had already booked for the same date, they kept it. Even if they want a small wedding, they should have it on a different day and just keep the guest list short.

Final thought: a joint wedding shower is not the appropriate time to meet the “other” bride for the first time.


Good luck!

Post # 15
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I had a similar thought to daydreamwanderer. If they can’t afford many guests, maybe the double-booking was an ill-advised way to make sure they don’t have many. Maybe they just sent you the invitation to be polite, even though they knew you couldn’t come and they sent all of the invitations kind of early??

I couldn’t tell if your aunt was being practical with the shower email or if she was just passive-aggressively complaining about the overlap in your guest lists… It’s all so hard to decipher!!

Post # 16
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

To be honest, I don’t think it’s a big deal; if you only have the one aunt in common. Maybe that was the only day their venue had an opening or the only time in which vacation schedules worked for them and the rest of their guests. What I was getting from your aunt’s e-mail is that she might actually be feeling a bit guilty about the date being the same and not being able to attend your wedding and that’s why she suggested the shower.

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