(Closed) Can you invite someone without inviting their spouse

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Question: Can you invite someone without their spouse?

Answer: No.

Unless this woman poses an actual physical danger to other people present, or has done something unspeakably awful (eg beheaded your pet dog, or seduced your fiance and posted the pictures online) then she should at least receive an invitation.

Post # 17
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

baylady:  It sounds like you’re pretty close and you’ve talked about the wife to him before.  I would talk to him about it – it’s really too hard for a bunch of strangers to give you advice specific to your situation.  All we can really do is give you the “by the book” etiquette advice, which of course is that you have to invite her.  But I would just talk to your uncle.  I assume having her there would make his day less pleasant as well given the family rift, so maybe he’s fine with her not being included.

If you invite her and she attends, I’m not sure what she does that is so horrible that will ruin your day, but if she has a history of acting out or saying rude things, are there people who can act as a buffer of sorts, to play interference on anything she might do or say to you and your parents?  And of course if she does something really awful you can always ask her to leave – not that anyone wants it to come to that.

Post # 18
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

baylady:  The answer to your title question is no. It doesn’t matter what the reasons are. Well, I suppose if the spouse were in a coma or in jail. But assuming the spouse is physically able to go, there is really no option for inviting just one person and not the other. 

Post # 19
Member
4037 posts
Honey bee

baylady: My family has an aunt that no one can stand to be around, too. As time has passed, she’s gotten more and more narcissistic and histrionic, and we’ve all distanced ouselves from her. The uncle/her husband has seemingly jumped on the crazy train, too, and has no clue how her behavior has impacted other family members. In the end, my daughter didn’t invite either of them, to her wedding.    

Post # 20
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

  I know that “proper etiquette” says you HAVE to invite this woman, but bottom line is, IT’S YOUR WEDDING and you should NOT be forced to endure the presence of a person who makes you miserable and with whom there is a strong mutual hatred. I was dealing with a similar issue with my upcoming wedding, and in the end decided that “proper etiquette” can be damned as far as this individual is concerned…and in reality nobody else really cared including the spouse who WAS invited and who can barely stand her own jerk of a so-called husband anyway, lol. It’s YOUR wedding, do what makes YOU happy. And if most of your family can’t stand this aunt anyway you’ll be making the day more enjoyable for them as well. I know my opinion won’t be a popular one among the other Bees, but there are some etiquette “rules” that can and should be ignored if following them will cause you to be miserable at your own wedding. And this advice is coming from someone in their 40s with plenty of life experience.

Post # 21
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

baylady:  If your parents are paying, then let them make this call. If they think it’s ok to leave her off the invitation, then I’d let them handle it. Regardless, I think you or them should also discuss the decision with your uncle before any invitations go out.

Post # 22
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Etiquette says you can’t but we didn’t as we only wanted people close to us present. So some close friends whose spouses we didn’t know very well came alone. No one complained. 

Post # 23
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Stuff everyone else, it’s your wedding. If you don’t want her there, don’t have her there and if your uncle knows this friction is present he will probably anticipate this anyway.

Post # 24
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I think that itbis very disrespectful to your uncle if you do not invite his wife. If he is willing to be understanding and leave her home then it should be his choice. Id be very upset if my SO left me out of a family wedding he was attending but if i was your uncle I would not likely attend a family function that my SO was not welcome at… Then again i wouldn’t marry a cantankerous person haha. But it would be the right thing to do to extend the invitation to both of them.

Post # 25
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Honestly, inviting the spouses of guests is SO right/normal/the etiquette that if you only named one of the couple on the invitation, they probably wouldn’t even notice that the other wasn’t named (or think you forgot or something) and RSVP with the two of them anyway. Don’t bother.

I would just not invite either. I’m sure your uncle will understand.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  dances123.
Post # 27
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If I could with no consequences, I wouldn’t invite her. It’s your day to be happy and celebrate it with people who actually care about your wedding and relationship.

Sadly it’s considered rude to do so. 🙁 I’m in a similar situation. I hate my BIL’s girlfriend and would really just rather not have her there, or in my life at all for that matter since we are honest here. She pretty much has to come. My husband is very close to his brother and my Brother-In-Law and his girl have been together for a long time. <br /><br />If you do invite her, just sit her far away from you. There will be lots of other people there to talk to, so you probably won’t have to even mingle with her. <br /><br />If it’s really bad though, you shouldn’t invite her. But ask yourself, would this affect your relationship with your uncle?<br /><br />Sorry you are going through this. I don’t understand why people have to spite others and be so hateful about everything to make themselves feel important.

Post # 28
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

baylady:  You can do anything you want but don’t expect people to be happy about it.

It’s really rude.

Post # 29
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I definitely wouldn’t invite her. Why would you invite someone who you know would make you really unhappy? You don’t want to remember your wedding day like that. If things were different, yes always invite the spouse. In this situation? No way

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