Post # 1
Okay, I am going to be as brief as possible. I’ve done what I can to be a laid-back bride. Let the bridesmaids choose their dress color from 3 options. let them pick the designer of the dresses, and the style they liked within the line. Dresses were above average, which was slightly spendy, but the other options were less and this is what they picked (unanimously, without persuasion) becuase they had decided they could be worn again (I was actually going to order one for the Rehearsal Dinner before they chose it). I am also picking up their tab for lodging. ground transportation for the weekend (bridesmaids and significant other), most meals, half of their hair cost, nails and am giving them a gift of pearls and a few other items for the wedding. One of the BMs is planning for/paying for the shower and the bachelorette is being planned/mostly paid for by another Bridesmaid or Best Man. In other words. I’ve tried to be generous in giving choices and also in covering expenses. Then came the accessories disucssion; without going into it, a choice was given to the girls again. They chose a certain colored shoe/wanted to wear the same one. It was impossible to find a shoe that was that color in the right sizes, but one was finally found that 3/4 of them loved. One flat out refused to buy the shoe, saying it was too much ($90) for something she would never wear again. I went back to my original plan-let them all pick their own shoe in black. It seems like she is upset with me now, and I feel hurt by her reaction. How would you deal with this situation? As far as I knew, most brides just told the gals what shoes/dresses they would wear; it’s what I’ve done without complaint every time I’ve been a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Am I totally off base here to be hurt?
Post # 3
It sounds like you’ve been very accomodating. In the end, it’s what you want that goes. If the BM/her behavior is still a source of frustration for you, even now that it sounds like she won’t have to pay the $90, then I would suggest talking with her about it. Could it be that the cost is an issue for her? Try to find out if it is really the cost of the shoe that is a problem or if something else is going on. Just out of curiosity, if they chose the dress b/c it was something they could wear again and the shoe goes with the dress, why wouldn’t she ever wear it again? If that was her reason for being upset and refusing to purchase the shoe, it doesn’t seem very valid…perhaps there is another reason?
Post # 4
It does sound like you have been very accomodating. I would take a moment to talk to the Bridesmaid or Best Man privately and make sure she knows that you included her in your wedding because it is one of the most important days in your life and you wanted her to stand up and represent you. Ask her if there is anything that she needs to make the experience better for her. You may find out that it is something really silly, but at least it will break the tension and bring the focus back on why she is standing next to you in the first place.
Post # 5
Great advice…it really did strike me that there was probably another issue there…so I’ve been really trying to be kind in response. I did contact her and tell her that she will always be more important to me than a pair of shoes, and that I asked her to be in my wedding because she(and her friendship) mean a lot to me. It does make sense to ask her more directly if everything is okay, or if there is something else I can do to make her experience better. It’s just hard when someone has been so rude (i.e. "I think they’re ugly, and I understand you’ve been trying to give us choices, but it’s my money and I refuse to spend $90 on shoes I won’t wear again.). The other BMs all loved the shoe so much they were talking about buying it just to have it, but for whatever reason, she does not like it and there is no talking her into anything otherwise (not that I really tried). And @MyFavorite, the shoes does sort of match; it’s a different, brighter color than the dress:)
Post # 6
Wow, you do seem very accomodating, they are lucky girls! Have you talked to her any more about the shoe problem? I don’t know your friends, but for some people $90 is a little steep for shoes, so could that be her main problem even though she didn’t express it in the most friendly of ways?
Post # 7
You are saying she is still upset with you? You are not making her pay for the shoes…correct?
I wouldnt even waste my time worrying. You have been super nice to your girls and if she is mad it has NOTHING to do with shoes.
Post # 8
My first thought isthat I can’t really blame her for feeling like $90 is a lot for shoes for someone elses wedding. Could she really not wear them again?
But you’ve paid for extras for them like food and transportation. Maybe she could cave on this a little. If the shoes mean that much to you, maybe you could try to point out that you hoped she be more flexible on the shoe. But it seems like you’ve settled back to letting them decide already.
Why is she hurt? Because you originally wanted them to pay $90 for shoes? Did she feel like you backing down to let them choose a black shoe was some scene or drama?? She apparently got her way, so I’m confused why she’s so hurt.
Try to be patient. It’s easy to feel like people should be so accomodating to you, because are very accomodating to others. However, all BM’s were not made the same. Maybe there are other things going on. Weddings are tough, girls can be concerned about how their relationships will change. Or jealous about not getting married themselves. Is she close to the other BM’s? Maybe she feels like the odd girl out.
Post # 9
Seriously. It’s just a pair of shoes. It truly boggles my mind how people forget that it is truly an honor that your girlfriends/sisters/cousins/etc. agree to be a part of your wedding, spend an ungodly amount of money on dresses that no matter what the bride thinks, will NEVER be worn again, and on shoes/jewelry/hair/travel/showes/bachelorette parties, etc. just so that you will be happy on your wedding day. Get over yourself.
Post # 10
Money is ALWAYS a touchy issue with bridesmaids. I’m well on my way to being Katherine Heigel in 27 dresses, and all I can really say is to put things in perspective. It may not even have anything to do with you personally, but just about the money. Weddings are expensive for EVERYONE involved. I think this is a great example of a bridesmaid not knowing what her "role" is. For you, having her pay for her own shoes is part of that. This is why it is sooooo important to lay everytihng out when you ask your friends to be a part of your wedding (in the beginning!).