(Closed) Can you send out Save the Dates with RSVPs

posted 5 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 16
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

lim3:  Good point. What you discribed is what an STD usually looks like. I guess I just assumed she’d give more information if she expected an RSVP. I think the better question is “How early can I send invites/expect RSVPs for my destination wedding?”.

Post # 17
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MexiPino:  And as far as STD being a relatively new thing I thought they were invented specifically for the destination wedding, because guests need more time to plan travel.  And now every single hometown wedding with hometown guests sends ghen even though totally unnecessary – I would agree that those ones do not know what a std is.  But again, maybe I don’t either.

Post # 18
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MexiPino:  Yes that is a better question, agreed.

Post # 19
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

lim3:  I believe it was the rude way you were talking down to OP that MexiPino was responding to, not your knowledge of what a STD is.  OP asked a question to make sure she didn’t make a mistake and you put her down her. Pretty trashy of you IMO.

Post # 20
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Christina1015:  What are you talking about?  I put no one down.  You just called someone trashy.  Re-read my echanges here if you want, I think you are mistaken.

Post # 21
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

lim3:  You said “Are you asking if you can ask guests to RSVP to a save the date?  Do I understand this correctly?  If that’s what you’re asking the answer is absolutely not.  But you can’t possibly be asking that.”

This comment is stating that her question was so ridiculous she couldn’t be serious, which is insulting and rude to someone trying to figure out what is best for her guests.  I believe that it is trashy to insult someone for asking an honest question and I stand by my response.  

Post # 22
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2016

We’re having a destination wedding next April and had a similar problem. We had 60 people on our invite list and truly had no idea if we’d end up with only immediatey family (15 people) or all 60. Booking venues on our island pretty much required us know the ballpark. If we had above 50 people we were super limited on what venues we could use. We also had to know numbers to know if we needed a restaurant buy out for rehearsal dinner or welcome dinner. We didn’t want to do a buy out for 15 people but 50 would make it a necessity. For destination wedding planning (if your not using a resort) it’s pretty much essential to know upfront who thinks they’re coming. 

With that said, we called everyone on our invite list to let them know our plan and said no pressure but we’re going to send you an email with details and just ask for odds of attendance. As in Absolutely, Maybe or Not a chance. Roughly 2 weeks later we sent an email with dates, our plan, estimate of flight costs, estimate hotel costs and asked for odds of attendance. 

All 60 folks responded with a resounding YES. Do we actually think all 60 will book tickets? Not really… but we know we’re not having an intimate 15 person wedding… 

After that, I sent out save the dates just as a token reminder of the plan and because I thought they were cute… We’re keeping everyone informed via emails and phone calls to keep everyone in the loop. 

Planning a destination wedding is a totally different animal and typical wedding etiquette has to shift for it. It’s not a traditional wedding by any means! Do what works for you and stay flexible! Hopefully that helps 🙂 

Post # 23
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

I think that DW’s need to have an entire different set of expectations.  I think it is very rare (I’m sure there are bees on here that can confirm or deny this) to have the majority of your guests show up if you are inviting more than immediate family, if even that.

Anyways, regardless on whether or not you invite 5 or 500, I don’t think you can cleverly do a B list, due to the fact that DW’s are such a drain on the resources of your guests far more than a local/domestic wedding.  It is acceptable and encouraged to send out your Save-The-Date Cards quite early (over a year), and invitations quite early as well.  

The purpose of the save the date I believe is primarily best for DW’s (such as yours, and I would consider mine one for most of our guests) and there is really no best way for you to have a B list in this situation, given your wedding is out of the country.

Personally, if I got a Destination Wedding invite with no previous STD only a month or two before a wedding, I would see it as a grab for gifts.  

Invite who you know you can afford to host, get the STD’s/Invitations out early, and accept your results.  I can almost guarantee you won’t have the issue of too many guests for a wedding in Mexico.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  doglover89.
Post # 24
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

pcolmenero:  I got a save-the-date in January that asked me to RSVP by February for a September wedding that was local for the couple but not for anybody else, as they had moved to that city 3 months before booking their wedding there. Not only did I find this ridiculous, I wasn’t able to give them a definite answer until June.

Post # 25
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Christina1015:  I didn’t insult her.  I did answer in a way to stress that it is absolutely not okay to do this.  The implication being that it is far out of the realm of being a reasonable way of handling her quandary.

I did not insult her.  You insulted me.  I think you misunderstood my tone.  Or maybe you just think I’m trashy.  Doesn’t really matter.  Just stop saying I’m the one throwing insults please.  

Post # 26
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

I really don’t know the ettiquette (or practicallity) on this, but my parents recieved an invite for a co-workers wedding in France (we are in North America) that required a deposit to hold a spot. There were no save the dates, just invites sent well well in advance.

Personally, it didn’t sound entirly kosher to me but if you really need to nail down a guest list…

Post # 27
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it would be logistically nearly impossible to do a B list for a destination wedding. I’d just pick the max guest list you can, send the Save-The-Date Cards and try to get verbal estimates of Absolutely, Probably, Maybe, Probably not and Absolutely not From guests As you can. 

Post # 30
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

pcolmenero:  How dare me?  I answered your question.  Settle down with the screaming.  If you can’t handle getting answers that are not what you want to hear then don’t post questions.  If you want to make guests RSVP to STD’s go for it, no one is stopping you.  We’re only telling you that it is totally infeasible and extremely unreasonable to request of your guest which is what I thought you were asking.  But if you want to do it then do it.  Jeez Louise….

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