Post # 1
Do you ever feel like you can’t relate to the friends you once told everything to? The large majority of my friends are married and a few have babies or are pregnant, then one or two are single. I feel like they all fit into a category: married and antisocial; will only talk about babies; will only talk about planning for babies; VERY single and drunk 3-6 nights a week. I can’t relate to any of it. I’m feeling pretty alone because even if I did try to talk candidly with one of them, I’d get the compassionate head nod and a brief pause before they started talking about something I can’t relate to again. The ugly side of this issue is that I probably need to find new friends. I’m living back in my hometown. I came back a year after I graduated college, and I’ve been here for over two years. In that time, I’ve been working VERY hard to pay my mortgage. I was proud of myself for buying a house, but I haven’t had much time to go out and socialize. The average age at my job is 45 ish, so finding a group of friends there is impossible. The bar scene is more of the drunk 3-6 nights a week crowd. I feel like the female version of Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man.
The two friends I would expect to be there for me, the ones I’ve known for 13 years, are the ones that make me the most sad. Friend A is married to a guy who is eleven years older than her. At first, he was fun and hung out all the time, but now it seems like he holds her captive. They never hang out with us, whenever I go over there I feel very unwelcome because of him. She also seems jittery because she knows he doesn’t like company, so I usually end up staying for five minutes then leaving. One time I brought it up to her that Mr. Aberry and I had been talking marriage and that we’d looked a little at rings, and her very first reaction wasn’t, “Oh! I’m so excited for you!”, it was “Oh what size diamond are you looking at?”. Um. Yea. I’m not even excited to tell her when we do become official, because I know the only thing she’ll be worried about is sizing up our rings to make sure hers is bigger. She has become very status-ey since she got married. It makes me sad.
Friend B got married to a guy she barely knew. He has since shown his true colors. She ended up with chlamydia the second month she was married. She’s still in denial and trying to work it out. She’s sad all the time, and her sadness consumes our conversations. If we’re talking, we’re talking about her… and as soon as she’s done venting, the conversation is over. I generally just smile and let it go, because I know she’s in pain. I’m not excited to tell her when it happens either.
I guess I’m just sad that when I actually do get to the point where I can tell everyone, there might not be an “everyone” to tell. I’ve thought about just telling our families and letting the rest of the world find out on their own in due time. I know that’s just the bitchy side of me coming out. It’d be a silent way to make them realize how little they’ve asked me about my life or my relationship, because they’ve been too busy talking about themselves to pay any attention to me. I know there’s really no good solution to this other than to find people that I can have healthy friendships with. I’m feeling a little down and friend-less.
Post # 3
Oh I know how you feel. I used to talk to one of my co-workers all the time because we were both waiting. I loved talking to her bc I felt like she understood, and she would tell me her stories while I listened. Well, she recently got engaged and it seems like she doesn’t care at all about what is happening in my life anymore, while she and I used to ask all the time. I understand she is super excited to plan her own wedding, but I felt kind of dropped along the way. I do have my sisiters I can talk to, but my older sister has been waiting longer than me and is in the “carefree” stage of waiting, where she isnt worrying about anything, which is great, but I feel like sometimes she doesnt listen to me, she just says it will all work out and that’s it. Plus, she tends to take any ideas I have, has always been that way, so I’m afraid to tell her some details of my wedding that I dream about.
My friends are either married or single, so they are in totally different situations than me and it is hard for them to relate. BF has a lot of friends who are in serious relationships, and I can talk to some of them, but at the same time I don’t want to seem like I am desperate to his friends.
That’s why we have the Bee!!!!!
Post # 4
I definitely understand where you’re coming from. I am going through this right now with my best friend of 12 years. She was married 2 1/2 years ago, and had a baby this past January. We only speak once a month now, and when we do, it’s all about the baby. Believe me, I understand that as a first time mom, she has every right to gush about her baby. I just have an issue with the fact that all of our conversations are one sided, and then she rushes me off the phone. She never askes about my life or relationship with my SO. None of my other friends that are in relationships are really in that ‘waiting’ period like I am, and if they are, they don’t talk about it. A few other friends are just causually dating/sleeping around, and are always ready for a party. I’m ready to settle down with the man I love, and I don’t like feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around my friends because they don’t get why I want to be married right now. I just heard the other day “you’re only 27, what’s your hurry?” My reply was “Yes, I’m 27. I’m ready and I’d like to be a mother before I’m 30.” I don’t think I should apologize for that!
Post # 5
We can be your “everyone” to tell!!!!
Post # 6
I know how you feel too, but I’m on the other side of the fence….Im the only one in a “grown up” relationship (a.i. living together, paying bills, dealing with both our families, working more than one job and going to university).
They dont understand what waiting can be like, or even the happy part of planning a wedding with your SO can be like.
Most of the time I keep to myself. I am lucky enough that I can tell my BF and my family anything, so I still have people to talk to.
Post # 7
I hear ya as well. the only people can talk to is my mum and sister. Everyone else a) doesn’t understand b) is single and therefore not suited for a variety of reasons or c) is too busy in their lives to listen to me.
Post # 8
Definitely know how you feel. I don’t have anyone to talk to IRL about it. Most of my friends are men, so they just… well they don’t get it or care and my only good female friend just shrugs and says there is nothing I can do so I should just wait it out… well d’uh! I know there is “nothing I can do”! I still would like to vent a little…
Post # 9
I know how you feel. I feel like a lot of my college friends have either moved or are in different places in life – in law school, out of work across the country, waiting, buying a house etc. I’m just recently married and now I hang out more with DH’s friends. They’re all girls since he graduated from nursing school.
It can be hard but stick with it! You never know where you can meet friends – a cooking/crafting class at michaels, the library, workout class, the bee!!!
Post # 10
I totally understand too. Most of my friends are either married with kids, getting married, or very single. I can’t even confide in my mother; she’s twice divorced and bitter towards men haha. It’s definitely comforting to see everyone around here!
Post # 11
No, none of my friends can relate to waiting. None of them have serious boyfriends, I actually have no one to talk to about waiting out of fear of being judged. When I first told my sister my bf and I were moving in togther, she said
Why doesnt he just marry you, he just wants to string you along
No one understands your relationship expect you and your significant other, so thats why I usually dont talk to my gfs about my relationship.
Post # 12
None of my friends can relate, either. They’re either completely single or married. The two that got married seemed to decide “oh, that’s a good idea!” several months after C and I got engaged. So they both got engaged several months after us and married their BFs after being them them only a few months (C and I were together for 2 years before we got married). And they both got married before me. And our engagement, which was the longest, was only 8 months long. And one even got married 6 days before me. So no, they can’t relate because they’re either not at that place or never had to wait! 🙂
I couldn’t talk to my single friends because they just didn’t understand how much torture waiting is! But my sisters (awwww…. I should’ve said sister and SIL 🙂 both totally understood, so at least I had them, even though they’re both married.
Post # 13
Oh it’s so nice that you guys can relate! I really need to find the time to go out “friend hunting”, haha. I’m going to take a calligraphy class in October, and I’m hoping there will be some potential friends there. I really get tempted to talk to his 4 sisters, because they’ve really become my best friends. I feel blessed that I’m marrying into a family that I love, but I also don’t want to come off as impatient or desperate to them. I’d rather just be quiet, wait it out, then tell them… in order to keep the air clean. I don’t want him finding out that I talked to his sisters about “our secret”, since we’ve set a date and everything.
I don’t know what changes for some people when they get married. I will make a huge effort to balance my life when I’m married. I don’t think babies or husbands or houses need to alter your personality so much that you’re no longer the same person. I would hope that any of my friends would WANT to tell me about something exciting going on in their lives.
Post # 14
I completely agree. My friends that are engaged try to pretend that they were perfectly comfortable with their relationship and he just “surprised” them with a proposal! Really though I know they were waiting. One even said she wanted to wait much longer to get engaged, but he “just couldn’t wait” even though I know she threatened to leave him.
Other than that they are single, and one just got out of a bad relationship. Thats why the hive is the perfect place to talk to people who completely understand, and will admit it!
Post # 15
Yup! Definitely feeling the same way!
My categories of friends:
–The ones that are single and wish you were single
–The married ones who tell you how much marriage sucks.
Post # 16
I think I am pretty lucky – I have two close friends who are waiting. Although I did find out that I can’t talk to someone I used to think was one of my closest friends anymore… we spent years listen to her complain that she was ready to get married – including her making uncomfortable comments to him at dinners and then the second he proposed it is like she forgot all of that. So when I finally told her that I was ready to get married and am waiting for the boy to propose her advice was “ohh let it be. Now that I’m engaged I realise I should have just waited to see what happened” Its like… really? You were horrible for ages about it and I can’t even say that I simply want to get married? I thought her of all people would understand!