(Closed) cancel? i dunno- maybe just emotional? i dunno… flipped at MOH too

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

…from what I gathered from your post you don’t sound satisfied with your Fiance at all and are trying to change him into being someone that he isn’t. And while I agree with you that people should want to improve themselves, I think the key word there is improve not change.

I think the only advice that I give you is that do what you feel right. If you feel that you can’t see spending the rest of your life with your Fiance AS HE IS NOW then you know what to do.

Post # 4
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Hippos:  Yes.

But I’ll add — if you think there’s a chance (and it seems like you do, you’re just sorting through a lot of emotions), it might be time to let him know how close you are to fraying, and seek couples counseling before doing anything drastic.

Post # 5
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am gonna tell you what we tell our married friends who are married to pot heads and complain all the time. you knew what he was into when you married him, you don’t have a right to complain cause when you married him, you accepted him AS HE WAS. You seem a bit emotional right now ( rightfully so) so I would calm down a bit and then talk to him about your issues AFTER you can decide what your issues are. You gotta pin point WHY you are feeling the way you do before you unleash on him lol! good luck hun! I really do feel for you, I do. I was in your position when I was 19 and I choose to not marry my sons father and BOY am I glad I did not. Only you can make that call though:)

Post # 6
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@bythebook:  Yes, let him know how close you are to fraying I agree!

Post # 7
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

hmmmm… sounds like you two definitely have a difference of opinions. You are living by a different set of rules and standards.

I don’t know if any amount of advice could get you there other than open and honest communication

Post # 8
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Marriage changes nothing. Make sure you are marrying the guy he is today NOT the guy you think he can become. Talk to him about the issues and take some time for yourself to calm down emotionally and think about things rationally. Put off wedding planning for a little while so you can seriously think about your relationship without the added wedding stress.

Post # 9
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

OK… first off.. I’m a little shocked that the person you just described and the WAY you just described him is someone you are engaged to. The way you are coming across tells me that you loathe him, not love him. I will admit, there are things that my FH does that I wish he wouldn’t, there are things he does or doesn’t do that sometimes make me wonder if I’m marrying the right person. I totally over analyze things in my life, and I think a lot about our future, and I am very fearful of ending up divorced like my parents etc… so more often than I would like, I wonder “would a guy who is more handy be a better match for me” and other goofy things like that (the most handy thing my guy is strong at is navigating sports articles, but to his credit he’s learning lol) . But reading your post, I thank you, I have quite a bit of clarity right now that while my fiance has qualities i don’t necessarily love, and does not have others that I wish he did, I genuinely LOVE him for who he is and while I think he could use “improvement” I don’t think there is anything about him that needs to change. We all could use improvement though and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. You need to really think about if you genuinely love your fiance and he is someone that you can spend the rest of your life with. Not wether or not his hairless-gutless-smoke free self is someone you can marry, that isn’t the reality of the person you are planning a life with right now.

Separate from him, I think maybe you should take a long look in the mirror. I am not trying to be harsh, but I’ve always been a tough love kind of person so I’m just being honest. Does your Maid/Matron of Honor have a point that you are destructive etc? Are you borowing problems with some of the things going through your head, are you CREATING problems that don’t exist? I just wonder because you told her you might have to rent her room if you guys broke up, but you haven’t made that decision yet, and its not something to throw around lightly. I also have BEEN there, and borrowed troubles, and DO do so in my mind. Whether your answer is yes or no is up to you but the best place to start is looking within, and deciding whether you are being unreasonable or whether this person just is not right for you.

Lastly i want to touch on the “feeling this way monthly” thing. For a good part of the first two years or so with FH, I had these episodes of SERIOUS doubts and feeling like we should break up, every single month and they seemed to be happening in a pattern. Then everything would be great after a few days, and for another few weeks until the cycle would start all over again. I have an IUD so I had no way to track my periods, but I started paying attention, and finally realized that these feelings were mood swings, and they happened every single month the week before I got my pd. After I was able to recognize that I was able to control those feelings and KNOW where I was coming from.

So I guess my final question is… are you pmsing? πŸ˜‰

Post # 12
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Ms Rocky Point:  Don’t be afraid to cancel or postpone the wedding if you aren’t 100% sure that you want to get married. Yea, it’s expensive and embarrassing, but trust me, that’s easier to deal with than an unhappy marriage or a tough divorce.

Remember that the marriage is what’s important, the wedding is just a party. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Ms Rocky Point:  Well on the subject of the period thing, doesn’t hurt to start tracking it right away. I use the period tracker app on my iphone. And you do know when your period normally comes so, if you are close to when you would normally get it then that could be an indicator…. But that is only a small piece of the puzzle, it really depends on if the rest of the time except for a few days every month, do you love him and who he is right now enough to spend the rest of your life with him? What if he never changed and was always the way he is right now, is that enough?

I get being picky because like I said I am too, I have spent a lot of time (and still do) thinking about the kind of person I’m marrying and and what kind of person I expected to marry etc, and like i said I get stuck sometimes on the reality of who I AM with and who I always “expected” I would be with. I have had to think a LOT about wether I was willing to give up what I have, for what I thought I wanted all my life, and really, I’m not. I could “trade in” my FH for a guy who is more handy, more career driven, more this or that, but everyone has their problems so if I was to go date someone else, I’d have to assume that they would be not as sensitive, not as loyal, not as honest, etc etc…In the end I’m not willing to give up everything I love about my FH for things that I now consider small. So that’s a good thing to think about, are you willing to give up the qualities you love in your FH to find someone that may have the qualities you wish he had? How important are they? Is the fact that he never went to college REALLY a big deal to you? Or being better looking, do YOU think he’s unattractive? Or do you think he could be better looking for the sake of others because you don’t want them to judge him, or you?

There’s a lot to think about obviously… But I will say, if you’ve been going to counseling for 10 months, and you’ve told him about your concerns, and you don’t feel like things are improving to a level that would allow you to wake up the day you are supposed to walk down the aisle, and feel confident that you are making the right choice in that moment, for yourself, then I think that is very telling.

As far as the Maid/Matron of Honor, it seems that the problem isn’t so much that she wasn’t around for you when you wanted to hang out last night but that she’s mooching off you guys while she does whatever she wants with her husband, or whatever he is. That would surely piss me off after awhile. How convenient for her that she gets to stay married while having a place to hide, and go hang out with him when she feels like it? Stay or go, make a decision! If that was my best friend I’d be pretty frustrated, and mostly because she’s doing something detrimental to herself.

 

As @msfahrenheit said, don’t be afraid to cancel or postpone if you aren’t 100% sure or ready. My step sister cancelled hers 6 weeks before because she finally realized she wasn’t marrying the type of person she wanted to spend her life with. Yeah it sucked for her, but mostly I think people were understanding and would rather have had her cancel, than see her marry someone she didn’t want to marry and then divorce him soon after, or be unhappy. She said she’s never once regretting that decision.

 

Good luck my dear!

Post # 14
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Dude, call it off. Or at least postpone. If you heard anyone else describe the man they were marrying in 3 months like this:

he’s definitley not goibg to live for very long with his current habits. So why bother??!?!?!

first time we had sex, i was like “wtf is thsi all about? don’t think i want to do this again, geez”

….Would you EVER tell them to go through with it?! You can’t stay with someone just because you’re too afraid to be embarassed by calling it off…your response makes it sound like you stay because you think you could do better, but aren’t sure who that might be. If you think you could do better, don’t get married.

Seriously, how would you feel if he was saying these things about you? It’d be crushing!

I don’t think you’re a bad person for feeling this way….but honestly, I don’t think you have any business maryring him. Especially if these thoughts and feelings are a recurring thing.

Post # 16
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2005

I would say to call off the wedding and let this poor man go. Dragging it out will only make it more painful.  He is who he is and if you want him to change because it is something you don’t like then he is not the man for you.  I am sure there are plenty of men out there that feel the same way you do about constant improvement and motivation, but not your Fiance.  You should love him all of the time regardless of his flaws.  There are things my Darling Husband does that I hate but I never don’t love him.  Seems to me you are very high strung and need someone who compliments that, not an opposite of that.

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