- 6 years ago
So, yesterday and today i am freaking out about the wedding… and lots of other times too, but this is the first timei have written anything about it. I just feel like things could be better. like i could do better. He’s so damn lazy most of the time. he acts like a dick sometimes, but mostly is super nice and supportive and tries to look at the bright side, and tries to get me to see it too. He works really hard at his job, but they walk all over him, IMO. He has no college education, but he is very smart and loves to learn new things and read alot, he’s a total geek 🙂 i dunno whether i need to weather the days when i am feeling that i don’t want to get married? or do i need to weather the days when i think everything is great and stick to a brek-up? Maybe its just me, not him… I will never be really happy with someone until I stop trying to have everything be just right? Or is he just such a freaking pothead that I can’t stand it anymore? i have no problem with marijuana, kinda a hippie myself and if I wasn’t trying to stay slim and train for an obstacle race, I would be toking up too… but I’d be smoking good stuff, not schwaggy junk like I did when i was 15, like he does now.. ick. Anywa, it really annoys me that he feels like he has tosmoke a bowl before he does anything. Granted, I understand lots of people have vices. others may need a cup of coffee in the a.m.before they can even think straight, some people like a beer at the end of a hard day… I dunno. maybe I am being unreasonable. Also, he has a “mountain dew belly” – its like a beer belly, but… welll you get the idea. Anyway, and he doesn’t eat right, and he smokes (but is starting a stop-smoking group next week YAY!) he’s definitley not goibg to live for very long with his current habits. So why bother??!?!?! GGGrrrrr!
As i write this out, I kinda feel silly, but also, i admit I am picky, i have high standards, i am not super-flexible most of the time, i don’t buy into all this “accept each others flaws” stuff. I think you should be constantly trying to improve. your life, your body, your health, your situation in general, mind, your inner peace… whatever. and sometimes i think he is just….. stagnant. We went on vacation a while back. for one month, he drank no dew, and did a small amount of push-ups and sit-ups every day prior to the trip. he also waxed his back before we left – he looked amazing! why doesn’y he want to look like that all the time. he would definitely get laid more! hhahaha – seriously tho. he would. And his hairy back! what the hell?!?!?! first time we had sex, i was like “wtf is thsi all about? don’t think i want to do this again, geez”
Moving on, my Maid/Matron of Honor lives with us, and Fiance is working late. again. wtf. anyway, Maid/Matron of Honor knew I was having a hard time today, cuz i talked to her earlier and last night baout it. told her i might go out of town for a few days starting today to go see my mom. thought i told her i was staying home, but guess i didn’t. so she texts me she is going to have dinner with her estranged husband. (she has been seperated from him and living with us for over a year, and sees him a couple times a week) and she’ll be home later. and i’m like – really? you comnig home was the only thing i was looking forward to. Also told her that if Fiance moves out, i need to rent out the room she is using (she is rent-free). she’s liek “you’re so destructive. we can talk about this later. you never said you wanted me to come home after work” and i was liek ” next time i’ll just text you to tell you to come home then, sorry, i have been freaking the F out since i talked to you earlier.” and shes like “what else is new” and i’m like “F*** off”
Now, she and i do not fight, we hardly ever disagree even, we have a great deal of respect for each other and we have each other’s best interests at heart always. i cannot believe i just acted this way. i am embarrassed but also hurt by what she said.
talked to my mom on the phone, she’s like “i dunno what to tell you, i can’t tell you what to do. try to sort this out, etc, etc” also said she thinks i feel this way about once a month, maybe she is right… but it seems way moreoften to me.i’m just venting. i’m freaking out. i have been reading online for hours about how to cancel a wedding, reading other bees posts on their cancellations, etc.i dont know what to do :-‘(