(Closed) CANCELED WEDDINGS! Share your stories Brides!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

all i can say is THANK YOU!

you have no idea what a relief it is to read your stories!!

as some of you may know (previous post) i am 5 months away from my wedding and seriously thinking of calling it off. i won’t go into details as i have done that on my other post in “emotional”, but i can say that reading your stories and your outcomes has given the strength to actually have that convo with Fiance… maybe not tonight.. but this week for sure…

i have never been so confused, sad, worried nervous, scared and everything else.. in my life. i mean it’s so strange to have been planing a marriage and a family and now to be wondering what the heck am i going do to? where am i going to live? will i ever have children now? do i evenw ant them?

so many questions and fears..

so happy to be able to talk about this to people that actually listen! i don’t know about you other “runaway” brides out there but the few people i have talked to about this are mostly telling me that it’s just cold feet… it’s just wedding stress… when i just wanna say scream “NO!! THIS IS FOR REAL, I’M ACTUALLY CONSIDERING IT!!”

Post # 48
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Befrie: My Fiance wanted to call off his last wedding and didn’t. He stuck it out because both him and his ex had divorced parents, the wedding was paid for, maybe marriage would make it all better, etc, etc. He didn’t. She didn’t. 10 months later she came out as being a lesbian and they divorced. Even amicably, it cost a fortune (they went through the courts on their own but had fee afte fee to pay), they both had to restart a household (cost a ton), sold a house after owning it less than a year and lost almost all of their downpayment on fees, and they both had a dog that they had to figure out.

In the end, he always tells that he knows our relationship is right because he doesn’t feel scared, anxious or like the marriage needs to fix things. He said that a relationship, of course, needs work, but it shouldn’t BE work. He said the hardest part of getting out of that marriage was realizing he had to start again– start to find a family, start a new relationship, start looking for someone to be a mother to his children and that was daunting, I’m sure.

As hard as it is, I wish you all the strength to talk to your Fiance. Don’t get married if this is not the time or if you are that unsure. You don’t want to HAVE to make a marriage work or you will both end up unhappy.

Post # 49
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@takemyhand: a relationship, of course, needs work, but it shouldn’t BE work.

that’s the truest thing i’ve heard in a long time, what a great way of putting it!

thank you for your support, eventhough i don’t any of you, i can still feel it shining through and it helps in ways you’ll never understand

 

Post # 50
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Befrie: Be strong! The ladies on here are amazing support for lots of people, even if they are just cyber-friends ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 51
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Dear girls (or guys) – all of you who have cancelled a wedding. I just did it a few months ago, six weeks before I was going to marry a man I am still deeply in love with. I got overwhelmed with anxiety when I found out he was still smoking dope, something that he had led me to believe he had given up; there were other things I was concerned about, each of them handle-able, but together I became totally overwhelmed. Funny enough, I wasn’t stressed about the wedding planning itself: I had the ring and proposal  of my dreams, the dress of my dress, the bridesmaids of my dreams, but something wasn’t right about the groom, which is the most important part.

It is hard to live with myself knowing that I hurt him so much after he was so totally devoted to me. We tried to stay together for 6 months after I “postponed” the wedding, and he tried to convince me over and over to marry him. It was horrible, and I couldn’t let go because I was/am still in love with him and hoped something would change or “work out”. He eventually gave up and broke up with me.

Cancelling a wedding is horrible and losing someone you are in love with is horrible too — I have experienced more grief and pain and disappointment (including judgement from his family, my family, and most especially myself) than anything before. I am still trying to see any sense in all this. I have constantly doubted whether I made the right decision to not marry someone I was so crazy over and have felt totally lost in this confusion. Thank you all for your stories…..it has encouraged me to hear people say that “things happen for a reason” and that there is hope for the future. 

 

 

Post # 52
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I never talked to my friends about this because I thought it’s just a little impulse and I don’t want to freak them out….. So I turned to the bees and once again, I’m so happy I’m not the only woman who feels like this…

I’ve been thinking about cancelling the engagement for the past 2 months…. Even before we got engaged (which I knew was going to happen coz he took me to chose a ring) I thought about how I was going to say no/not yet….. But he caught me by surprise and in the excitement of the moment I said yes. I thought maybe my doubs was just nerves and I carried on as normal and eventually the negative feelings passed……. for a while…..

Truth is bees, I don’t think he’s the one…. he used to be, don’t get me wrong. When we met (him 21 me 19) we were both fit (working for a gym), healthy, we both had big dreams for the future, he wanted to get a good job, finish his studies and then open his own business…. I wanted to go study and get a job, work a few years and start my own place too…. Or, we could travel? Huge plans! We were such a great team!

I the past 5 years of our relationship, I finished college, got my certificates, got a job and did another course and I’m now concidering doing another course to bring everything together. I still gym and keep myself healthy. I have worked very hard for my dreams…. I have a great job and I even lecture evening classes and some weekend classes where I used to study!

He, still hasn’t finished his studies (has no qualifications) he went through a fase where he was very dipressed about being 25 and not even being close to where he wanted to be by now. (I called it his pre-midlife crisis). I told him he’s still young, but that he has to start now!

He’s gained a lot of weight, he complains about back problems, he has a good job, but they took away his trial commission and he now has to reach a certain target to earn that commission (which he hardly get’s to). He comes home from work and switches on the PC and plays games till 1/2am….. That’s all he does, weekends and weeknights. He’s become so lazy! It’s frustrating! He says he’s tired when he gets home and wants to relax, but I work 2 jobs, still manage to gym, cook and clean?!?

He never used to be like this…… well… not for the 1st 2 and a half years of our relationship… After that time, we had started to have fights because he played too many games, we don’t go out or do anything anymore, I get lonely. He said he’s sorry he’ll change and all’s well for 3-5month… then the cycle starts again….

Bees, I thought I was selfish thinking this, but the fact is, I’m tired…. I don’t want to work 2 jobs my whole life. I’m scared he won’t be able to provide… what if we have kids??!! I don’t want to work full time and over time by then! He’s laziness is frustrating me up the wall and the thought of making love, well I try to avoid it.

 

We’ve been engaged 5 months now, relationship of 5 years…. I’m concidering ending the engagement. How, I don’t know because I know he’ll be devastated, but right now I think I should do whats best for me…. It feels really selfish and I feel a pang of guilt, but the reality is that it’s my life. I’m 23….. still young…. I still have loads of time to recover and move on.

 

What do you guys think…?

Post # 53
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Elaine16:  

I am so sorry :-(..i wasn’t in the same situation as you, but maybe my story can help a little. I lived 5 years with a man i did not love. I tried, want it to, but still one can’t master our heart, can we? I was foolish to start a realtionship with him – i had my reasons at the time – and for awhile it worked as i had a nest, a babygirl, a family of my own..but dep down i was mourning. Because o settled for much less than i deserved. I also thought my daughter’s father deserved to be loved, adored and i couldn’t do that. I was miserable, living  a half life, crying and dreaming at night with the boyfriend i broke up with to be with this other man. You see, i KNEW what love was about. And i saw what living without love did to me. I became less than what i am and could be. And i did not want to give that example to my daughter.

So, one day, even after telling family we were thinking of getting married (in despair..), i decided enough is enough and that i did not want to live another day like that. I contacted my ex-boyfriend because i was haunted with the fear that he thought i had stopped loving him. I wanted to tell him i loved him still..and then get on with my life, wanted to release myself from this ghost. What i did not expect was to hear that he still loved me..

It was very difficult to decide what to do, especially because of my daughter. I was so afraid of hurting her.. but i really could not live like that, with no hope, so i left, with her. My family was very surprised and my ex suffered a lot ๐Ÿ™ (he wasn’t happy either), but i went along and lived alone with my daughter for a year. The other relationshio didn’t work out in the end. There was a reason why it didn’t work the first time and could never happen, no matter how much we loved each other..sigh..i guess he was the LOVE of my life but were not meant to be..

Then one day, suddenly, i met the MAN of my life and i felt hope again. With him i am myself and more. With him i feel a tremendous peace and a sense of belonging. We belong. ๐Ÿ™‚

Trust your heart. Be faithful to whom you are. Because in the end..we’re all we’ve got. And there IS HOPE!

 

Post # 54
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Luckily (or unluckily) my ex-FI might not have ever intended to marry me, who knows, but he was very reluctant to comit to anything and kept pushing the wedding date back, so there wasn’t too much wedding stuff to deal with when we broke up. Although I had spent several hundred dollars personally on a dress and a few decorations, which I’m mad about cause I could use that money now. I was more reluctant to break up with him, even though I knew he was bad for me, because of the emotional aspect of getting married- we had planned a future together and if that wasn’t happening anymore I didn’t know what else I would do.

Post # 55
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow! There are some seriously STRONG, STRONG ladies out there. I bow to you…

I was almost ready to cancel my wedding. The important part is to hash out all your differences TOGETHER to the minutest details. This is when you get the absolutely real answer to the question “Is he right for me?”

Post # 56
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sorry for the length, but here goes…

My fiance and I were engaged in May 2010 after two years of being together.  We decided on a long engagement, because he felt very strongly about me finishing school.  I was supposed to finish my undergrad in Spring 2012.  So we set the wedding date for September 29, 2012.  He was living 45 minutes away from me with his parents because that’s where his job was located and we saw each other a few times during the week and all weekend every weekend.  He was trying to find a job in his degree field in Fort Wayne so he could be with me.  Well, A LOT has happened in the past 8 months.  In December, he finally got a job in Fort Wayne but the pay was actually less than the warehouse job he left.  But he took the job to gain experience and be with me.  So, we embarked on the adventure of living together.  When January rolled around, it was my final semester of school and I began having trouble.  I was enrolled in a Physical Therapist Assisting program at my university and in the final semester you have 6 weeks of 17 credit hour courses (18 weeks packed into 6) and then 12 weeks of full-time clinicals.  Needless to say I was stressed out.  He and I began fighting a lot and I was being particularly nasty when I would come home.  So in February he told me he was considering moving out because he was unhappy.  We told each other what was bothering one another and said we would work on it.  So everything settled down for a few weeks and then at the end of February I failed at test by 2 points that I had to pass to graduate from the PTA program.  I was devastated.  I have battled depression and horrible mood swings in the past, and everyone was concerned about my mental health.  So that happened and things just steadily got worse.  He started to shut down on me, wouldn’t communicate and was very irritable.  Then a few weeks ago here in June, he told me he was moving out.  I was devastated, obviously.  We talked it through because it turned out he had talked to everyone else about it but me.  All of his family and friends knew and I was in the dark.  He agreed to stay and work on it with me.  Well, the wedding is now less than 90 days away and it’s a lot of pressure.  I feel like I shouldn’t marry someone who is not happy in our relationship, but yet I know it can get better and we can get back to where we were.  Part of me feels that if I just give him some time we could get married as scheduled.  The other part feels like it’s unnecessary pressure added.  All of the deposits have been made, I have invitations that are supposed to be sent out at the end of July.  Girls with bridesmaids dresses and family that is invested.  It’s such a big mess and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 

Any advice ladies?

Post # 57
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

@Andrea129:  Hi there girl! I’m sorry that you are going through this….I truly am. Having been in a similar situation to you (wedding ready to go, invitations ready to go out, wanting to continue, feeling that the foundation is shaky, etc., etc.). I do know from personal experience that postponing a wedding last minute is really hard on a relationship, especially one that has problems (mine ended after I decided to “postpone”). It hurts badly to postpone! However, here’s some words that may encourage you if you are seriously thinking of postponing:

1. My father told me that if the man I was engaged to was the one I was “meant to be with” then even if we postponed our wedding, we’d still get married, only it would be better later on.

2. Marriage won’t fix any problems that are already there.

3. You are right that you can probably get back to where you were before but giving yourself three months with a lot of wedding pressure and stress in your own life might not be realistic.

4. Make sure this is YOUR free choice to marry or not to marry (people will often pressure you both ways: “Marry him!” or “Don’t Marry him!”. Ask someone you really, really trust for advice–family members are not necessarily the best because they are always biased). 

MOST OF ALL: DON’T MAKE ANY DECISIONS BASED ON FEAR: fear of what others think, fear of losing him, fear of marrying for the wrong reasons, fear of intimacy, or fear of anything.


You have all the answers you need. Just ask yourself the right questions and trust your instincts and if you feel you can’t do it on your own, talk to someone really honest and good and who you really trust.

Note: I think you will get a lot more replies and advice if you start your own thread with your own header. You can cut and past this same explanation and you’ll get lots of replies.

Post # 58
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hey ladies,

I realize this post is a year old, but i thought I would share my story as well, since I’ve only recently gotten the strength the begin revisiting weddingbee.

EX Fi and I started dating in high school, yep were high school sweethearts. We chose to go to college in the same city to be closer together. We were together for just over 5 years when he proposed to me this past August 2011. I was estatic. We set our date for May 19th 2012.

Things were going great! I bought a dress, paid the rental hall, his parents generously helped us with the caterer, my girls bought their dresses (two of which are his sisters) and then January 26th of this year his grandmother dies. I try to be as supportive as possible. I think everything is alright still, and book my hair appointment a couple weeks later.

On Feb 10th, he sits me down on our couch and tells me he doesn’t know if he can get married. I am devestated. After seeing our families and crying more tears than I thought a human could produce, we talk some more and decide to stay together, even engaged and just move the wedding date.

His reasoning is that he was stressed out with school, he was thinking about changing majors, and he wasn’t happy. I asked if this last part was because of me, and he said no, he was just feeling depressed lately.

So, I regrouped, and decided I could do this. I had waited this long, he still loved me and cared about me. I could wait another year or two.

In April he starts becoming more and more distant. He doesn’t come home til I go to bed, he doesn’t look happy to see me, he doesn’t answer the phone or pick up my calls. I start to get worried, so one day I take a glance at his phone. He’s been texting this one girl. Nothing serious or wrong, but flirty texts, when he hasn’t even been talking to be barely.

So I confronted him about it, and I basically made him cry. I told him I loved him and truely wanted to be with him, but I needed some more loving. I needed more than what he was giving me. He apologized and told me he would try harder. He told me I was loving, caring, loyal and he didn’t deserve me. I told him I could overlook a few months of a rough patch becuse I know how great our relationship could be.

From there, everything basically went down hill. I think the breaking point is when he told me he wasn’t going to live with me after our lease was up. Instead he was going to live with his friends. I still tried even so hard after that. I gave him space, I helped him move, and he helped me move into my new place.

One week after I moved, and the very day after we were supposed to get married, after twisting his arm to come over and visit me after nit seeing him for three days, he layed down on my bed with me. took a big sigh and said, ” I think we should break up.”

I knew it was coming, eventually. It didn’t make it any easier. The following were the worst two weeks of my life. I went to work, because if I hadn’t I probably would have done nothing but cry all day. I was heartbroken, and still am. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I truely 100% thought we would be growing old together.

I’ve tried to move on a bit. I met this really great guy shortly after. We”ve been “dating” for about 3 weeks. Everyday is still a struggle. I am still having a hard time not thinking about him or the life we could have had. As of right now, I don’t see us getting back together, which hurts even more. I was so adament at first, when he first dumped me, that I would wait for him to get his life together. He even came over for dinner, and everything was fine. We joked around like we always have, but he didn’t look at me the same way. I ended up drunk calling him that night and basically telling him I was a wreck and couldn’t live without him. He was nice enough and talked to me for twenty minutes, But after that I realized I couldn’t spend mmore time waiting around for something that was probably not going to happen. I love him so much still and if he suddenly called me up and said ” I love you and miss you and I’m so sorry, can we get back together?” I would probably say yes even though I know I should not. I love him that much and it’s killing me not to be with him.

Some days are much much better than others. It;s true that time helps heal, but it is a slow go. I found hanging out with my friends and other people as much as possible helped a lot. Also, there’s nothing like a cute boy wiho knows what he wants and treats you right to take your mind off of someone who wasn’t.

Stay strong ladies!!

Post # 60
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Hi there,

I am in the same situation recently, the worst thing was that my engagement was called off (following by relationship ended) by….his Mum..:(..(I didn’t even have a chance to have that kind of cancellation/call-off to be “said out loud” in person with my ex-FI but via another person)..We dated for about 2 years, planning everything for our engagement/wedding in the next year, sadly, at the end, everything was gone and the reasons I was given by his parents that my ex-FI would like to reconsider the relationship and could not handle all the pressure he had from both families, ALL his relatives said I am not good enough for him, etc.I know he loves me a lot, so do I, but seemed like all the external influences played a major part in our separation.I haven’t heard anything from him since then. Break time for both of us judging our love to each other or time for us to seek our real “one”, who knows..I am enjoying single at the moment, sometimes I miss him so much still.

Post # 61
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Aw, Buffalobride4712 and broken.hearted12 I’m so sad reading your post!  Things will get better, but I know that’s sometimes hard to hear.  I’m suppose I’m in a pretty sorry spot too, so my mantra has been that somehow it’s going to get better.

My parents canceled my wedding too.  She and my dad are paying for it, so I guess they have every right to do that.  Except for the dress, I paid for that and (darn it!) I will be keeping it!!!  I still plan to get married.  I still have the guy. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s hard working through family issues, on top of planning a wedding.  I just hope my family comes around to seeing my life as my own, instead of trying to control it.  I’m 24 years old and am financially stable.  I work full time and take care of myself and my fiance well.  We were happy together.  I wish they could see that instead of having their own agenda for our lives. 

We haven’t planned to reschedule a wedding yet (one which we will pay for so that no one else can cancel it).  I’m heartbroken that some of my best friends from college won’t be able to make it to a wedding on a different date…their money has already been spent to come to the one that got canceled.  I guess I’ll still get to see them, but they were the only people I really cared about having at the wedding anyway.

Maybe at this point we should just elope?  Or have a tiny local wedding with just the few people that we care about who can make it…I do NOT want to try to plan the big elaborate wedding all over again. NOT HAPPENING.  All my vedors were in place, before my mother put her foot down on canceling it. 

I just don’t want to wait so long to plan another wedding that it makes my fiance and I bitter just waiting for everyone else to agree.  Cancelations are messy, especially when its not your choice and its only a month from your wedding date.

 

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