(Closed) Canceling our wedding *long*

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sbruin99:  You don’t have to avoid her. Just sit down and tell her you’re going to plan the wedding yourself, but thanks. Then plan it not using the money she was going to give you. Then if she asks, just say “it’s taken care of” and change the subject. 

Post # 33
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@sbruin99:  Oh honey!  That sounds like a nightmare!  Everything you described is exactly why we’re having a very small wedding.  Only parents and siblings (and their spouses and kids).  Coincidentally, we’re having it in the mountains.  We’re renting a cabin for a couple nights (about $200/night WAY cheaper than any “wedding venue” anywhere.).  And this is a nice, new, spacious cabin with gourmet kitchen, outdoor fireplace, 3 decks, etc.  It’s gorgeous!  The wedding will be in the early afternoon, then we’ll just hang out at the cabin and eat, drink, dance, play foosball, whatever people want to do.  Then everyone will leave and my fiance and I will have the cabin to ourselves for the rest of the weekend.  πŸ˜€  Everything will be way less than $5000.  Including rings, and a dress!  If that’s what you want to do, then do it!  People’s feelings might be hurt, but you’ll have to learn how to be okay with that.  I know it’s hard, but you will make yourself sick trying to make everyone happy.  πŸ™

Post # 34
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

Do whatever is best for YOU! It is YOUR day!

Post # 36
Member
965 posts
Busy bee

Have you consider doing a family only wedding? It will be a good compromise, no family friends, no coworkers, no parent friends, exc. Just do a wedding with family only and only friends in the bridal party. That would be a good solution. 

Post # 37
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I canceled our original plan for a traditional wedding.  I simply told my parents and Fiance that there were too many “moving parts” and that I would not be able to enjoy myself.  End of story.

Post # 38
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@HappySky7:  

We eloped to get away from our mothers. Trying to have rational discussions with the two overbearing biddies went nowhere. At the very least, my mother learned her lesson when she got the slap in the face of her only daughter eloping. Laughing 

When mothers try to control weddings too much, it is time to refuse any financial contributions and pay for the wedding independently. That way, the mothers can’t feel like they have any right to control the day.

Our vow renewal will be paid for by my husband and I, so my mother can’t say anything to us about the details. Not that she would; she knows what happens when she is too nosy and overbearing.

Post # 39
Member
6916 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018

@sbruin99:  I rather be in debt than to hear all of this. We paid for our wedding and used a couple credit cards. We saved what we could, and I don’t mind paying it back. we received very little from family. They mostly helped us with things, so I say do it your own way and don’t ask for too many opinions. This is your wedding, you guys should be happy.

Post # 40
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@PositiveThinking:  Yes. It’s unfortunate mothers get that selfish, but you can take that power away from them. 

Post # 41
Member
3725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@sbruin99:  Why don’t you just elope or have the smaller wedding you’d like?

Post # 42
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

I’m having a pretty non-traditional wedding, and have gotten a few “But what about ____?” or “People will think _____ is tacky” comments from people around us. My response is usually “okay” or “that’s too bad”.

If someone says that XYZ will upset someone, that doesn’t mean you need to alleviate it. You can totally just say “That’s unfortunate” and move on. If my great aunt is disappointed that we aren’t serving traditional cake, then I hope her day isn’t ruined, oh well. It doesn’t mean I have to put cake tasting into my schedule and cake costs into my budget because someone might have feelings about it.

I understand this is hard! I promise it gets easier. The first couple of times you say “Well I’m sorry to hear that” or “That’s too bad” you might get more of a reaction, but eventually the people you’re talking to will get the picture that you’re doing things your own way and will keep their critiques to themselves.

Post # 43
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

And this is exactly why people elope because other people start taking over a wedding that should ONLY be the bride and groom’s. This is YOUR day and don’t let someone push you around. If your Future Mother-In-Law is not going to unconditionally give you a gift of $5000 towards the wedding and it’s going to come with all these strings attached about how you should use it, then forget it!

And I’m sorry, but turkey is just fine for a food choice! It’s not like you are serving chocolate covered crikets and dog meat. What’s her deal????? I mean, if you throw a simple Christmas party for nighbors or friends and you serve turkey…. do you think those guests attending are just going to be mortified and disappointed at the food choice? Hell no! They are going to love it and eat it. Anyone that complains about having to eat turkey can go step on Lego!

Stop letting people boss you around and tell you what to do with YOUR wedding. And keep in mind that this is about you and Fiance… not about pleasing others and making it into a day they enjoy. This is about two people getting married!

Post # 44
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with one of the previous posters, consider inviting a smaller number of close family and friends and hold a dinner at a restaurant in the mountains? That way you wouldn’t have to rent out a whole venue/deal with catering, and it wouldn’t be expected to have a DJ/dancing, either. The decoration budget could also probably be reduced because a restaurant will probably have more decoration than a rental venue which is kind of plain on purpose to allow for customization. Don’t give up the wedding you want!

 

Post # 46
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sbruin99:  

I eloped because I didn’t need negative energy around me on my wedding day and I wasn’t going to be bullied into having a huge wedding. I am not a woman who allows herself to be ruled or manipulated by her parents.

I did not marry in a courthouse. My husband and I married at a beautiful resort on the side of a lake. The courthouse looked too dingy for us. My elopement and its aftermath were both sad, but at least my husband and I aren’t indebted to my parents forever. If my mother had been allowed to take over our wedding, she would have thought that she could take over our marriage as well. A wedding planned by my mother would have been beautiful but it would not have reflected my husband and I at all.

I didn’t like hurting my parents so deeply, but I hated being controlled even more. Rational discussions and even a stern letter to my mother did not work. We’re renewing our vows in an intimate ceremony just the way MY HUSBAND AND I like it…it is also partly to soothe hurt feelings of my parents. The main reason is my husband and I didn’t like the way our elopement turned out. We wanted a small wedding but not a tiny elopement. Now we can afford an intimate social wedding. (I’ve heard wedding like vow renewals referred to as social weddings. I like that term.)

Parents should not try to control their independent adult children. If an adult child is still living at home then parents can be a little more overbearing, since they aren’t obligated to let their adult kid live with them. It is the price we all pay when Mom and Dad are still helping.

 

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