Post # 1
Hey everyone. I am new to this thing…I basically signed up today. I really need help and advice as I can not find anywhere else to turn.
Me and my fiancee have been together for 2 years now and in October we have our wedding date set but I don’t know if I can marry him.
He is 34 years old and I am 22. He has been through so much crap in his life like losing his ex wife to a devastating neurological illness. They were married for 5 years but knew each other since they were kids. I really don’t want to add on that list “cancelled wedding in 2010” but I just cant marry him
He complains about everything, he puts when we get into a fight, when I try to talk to him he just turns his back on me, he is very jealous of him to the point that he thinks that every guy who looks at me he thinks they want me……
I have told him time and time again….I am not that beautiful and I look nothing like a model or a celebrity for guys to be wanting me and I would never want that attention….
When we fight..he is ALWAYS right and I am ALWAYS wrong..That is not fair
He came from Portugal and is living with me and my parents. His parents gave him $1200 to use here for wedding and personal stuff. His parents aren’t even coming!! What kind of parents are they??? Anyways, he spent all that money on stupid things like gum, toothpaste, electronic stuff that he doesn’t need and which he put in the garbage and stuff like that….and he blew it off all in 2 weeks…
Now when he came I was working 2 jobs to pay for the wedding. My parents have helped too but with the economy the way it is, it’s very difficult. I am $10,000 in debt and I can’t lie to myself any longer.
I am now working one job but the point is, he doesn’t help with anything and then wonders WHY i am stressed!!!
Am I doing the right thing by cancelling it?? If so, how do I break it to him??? Should I pay for his ticket home??
Post # 3
From some of the things you’ve said there, it seems as though your gut is telling you that marrying this guy is not what you want.
Of course, you should think about what drew you to him in the first place, but also consider whether or not those reasons outweigh the fighting and the general feeling of discomfort you have, and his unfair behavior toward you. Not wanting to add “cancelled wedding” to his current list of sad things that have happened, is not a good reason for you to stay if you’re going to be unhappy.
You aren’t obliged to pay for his ticket home. He is an adult, and the steps he wants to take next are up to him.
Post # 4
I think you need to trust your instincts, here. It doesn’t sound to me that this marriage is the right thing for either of you. It’s a scary thing to cancel a wedding, especially if you’ve spent lots of money on it already, but just imagine the nightmare of DIVORCE. (Divorce would also be a very crappy thing to add to his list, by the way, much worse than a cancelled wedding.)
Do not marry him out of pity or fear or obligation or anything else. It does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. Frankly, he sounds like he’s far less mature than you are, and he is 12 years your senior! You don’t owe him anything except honesty. Breaking up with someone is painful, there is no getting around that, but living with this sort of relationship is worse. And the longer you put it off, the worse it will be, for both of you.
Oh, and if he can piss away $1200 on crap while you are working 2 jobs and going into debt, he can buy his own ticket home.
Post # 5
I second the advice of going with your instinct. I have yet to find out of this is true, but I keep getting told that if something is not great before getting married, it only gets magified and worse when you are, especially if he is not willing to work with you and communicate. It doesn’t sound like he’s really into the wedding and getting married (pretty rediculous to go blow $1200 bucks when you’re working two jobs!!! I’d be flaming mad), maybe this is his way of forcing you to make the decision to call it off?
Post # 6
If you are having SERIOUS doubts, than it probably isn’t the best idea to marry him. Most people get nervous feelings regarding marraige, and that’s normal. But if you are seriously doubting wanting to be with him and the kind of partner he will be in the long run, you should trust your instinct.
Is he the one? Any answer other than a definitive ‘yes’, means ‘no’ … so ask youself, is he the one? Is he the one you want to grow old with? Is he the one you want to have children with? Will he be the companion you want and need to have for the rest of your life? If you can’t say ‘yes’ without hesitation, then go fo it, but it sounds like you will waiver on those questions.
Post # 7
The universe is sending you a huge red flag, listen to it.
I lived with a man for over 20 years that I truly loved but he made me miserable. I kept waiting for things to get better, but they never did. After my daughter and only child unexpectedly died, I became depressed and withdrawn and didn’t really care about my relationship with this man. So he promptly found himself an alcoholic, bar skank and it took me over a year to kick him out of the house. For some strange reason, he thought I owed him – that is, I should continue to support him while he openly dated his new girlfriend!
Then I met my new husband and life is so different. There are actually men out there that can love, respect and support their wives and I am happier than I have been in years.
I definitely wrote more than I thought. The point is do not get married just because the wedding is in the works or because you love this man. Sorry, love is great but it is not enough. You got to LIVE with your husband, perhaps for a LONG time. What will daily life be like?
Whatever you decide, take care of yourself and good luck!
Post # 8
With all due respect to your relationship, he sounds extremely immature. I would also question his dedication to this wedding, since he spent the money on crap. I vote for sending him back from whence he came, but personally I think taking the wedding money and sending him home would be a good investment on your part!
Post # 9
I agree Puppymom, pay for his ticket home. It will make you feel better for having done all you can, and more importantly, it will be money well spent. With doubt and reasons such as yours, this wedding is most likely not in your best interest.
Post # 10
Yes you are doing the right thing, Cancel. One day you will look back on this and be so relieved that you didn’t marry him.
Post # 11
I hate to say it… but Cancel…
A marriage is too big of a personal investment to waste it on someone who doesnt seem to care all that much.My Fiance and I are a team….we’re not just a couple but we’re friends and we have respect for each other.
Forever is a long time to spend witht he wrong person….
Post # 12
Trust your instincts. You have to ask yourself, is this the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with? He’s jealous. He’s irresponsible. And to top it off he is unreasonable.
It is not too late to make the right decision. The pain of cancelling the wedding will be nothing compared to the pain you’ll experience if you marry this man.
Post # 13
I’m going to say cancel. It’s going to hurt, but but I think that it’s for the best.
We’re all here for you if you need to talk.
Post # 14
im kinda in the same position your in.. like were engaged (not as of right now but about a half an hour ago) but like we fight all the time.. and its really getting old i dont know if its cause i moved in w her and we are with eachother 24/7 or what.. just REALLY take your time on your own and figure out what YOU truely want.. cause let me tell u i am really thinking about what i want to do..
Post # 15
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I cancelled my wedding 3 months before my ex-fi and I were set to wed. I see a lot of similar red flags in your situation that I saw with mine.
For example: He up and spends the $1200 his parents gave him for your wedding on frivolous things. My fiance did virtually the same thing – and you know what it showed me? That he was not willing to invest in our relationship the way I was. I was working, and saving for the wedding, and he was not.
Please, please listen to the little voice inside you. Not the one of fear – the one deep, deep down. You’ll know what to do.
Good luck to you.
Post # 16
Red flag galore…. you’ve got a lot of good advice up above. Honestly he sounds like a lot of deadbeat kinda guys I’ve heard about or known – including my own ex. He needs to grow up on his own merit, if he’s like my ex at all, and being in a relationship won’t help that.
If I were you (and if I/you were strong, haha), I would boot him out the door and never look back.
Good luck! Let us know what happens.