Cannot agree on ring price

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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amongclouds :  The “dump him” comment is tradition around here. They make me giggle every time.

Post # 47
Member
686 posts
Busy bee

Hmmm I’m sorry but I think if you don’t want to contribute to it, you don’t really have a say. An engagement ring is a gift and a gesture, it’s certainly not a necessity, nor is it a necessity that it should be within any £XXX range. Youse have already agreed to get married. Would you break off the engagement if he didn’t get you a ring at all? 

£1000 is still a hell of a lot of money to spend on a piece of jewellery. Think about it rationally and realistically. 

You can get beautiful pieces for that price range. Insisting on a more expensive one is just trying to keep up with the joneses.

Post # 48
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

3000 is not that bad for a dream ring, especially if he can easily afford it. My husband would by me anything he can reasonably afford if that makes me happy, and it wouldn’t matter if he values that item or not. He values the smile on my face. Honestly when you think of all the crazy expenses like iPhones, laptops and other gadgets that add up and are tossed within a couple of years, a 3k ring is very reasonable. 

Maybe ask him how much he values your smile…

Post # 49
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Maybe ask him how much he values your smile…”

Oh God. Please don’t do that.

As I see it, you have four options .

First, find a ring you like in his budget. Try pawn shops, eBay, diamond bistro, loupe troop. You may get lucky!

Second, find a way to help with the money. Either kick in a bit or pay for something else so he has more to spend on the ring. For example, cover some morgage payments on your own, that you would previously split. I personally don’t see a difference between one or the other, bit it might feel emotionally different to you.

Third, negotiate. Look at your overall wedding budget and pick out where you’re willing to sacrifice to add a bit more to the ring budget. Harpist, custom veil, ice statues – what can you cut?

I guess you can always find a guy who’ll spend more, but that seems extreme!

Post # 50
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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xiexie :  …or pay for something else so he has more to spend on the ring. For example, cover some morgage payments on your own, that you would previously split. 

Oooo I’m impressed. That’s a great solution for OP. 

Post # 51
Member
10418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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amongclouds :  

l think you may be unaware of who the ‘dump him ‘ poster is…..

Post # 52
Member
3621 posts
Sugar bee

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jessicaj15 :  Personally I would not be happy with a $1000 ring. When I got engaged I had a diamond my mom had given me years before. I gave it to him to use as the center stone and he paid for the setting I picked out. The setting wasn’t cheap, but not crazy expensive either.

Is it only jewelry your Fiance has a problem spending money on, or does this come up with other purchases? If he typically spends an “normal” amount of money on other things, then I’d be pissed that he wouldn’t spend $2800 on a ring. You say he can afford it pretty easily – you’re not asking for a $20K ring – $2800 is reasonable.  He should care that it’s important to you. His comment about not even spending $100 – jeez.

I don’t know the best way to approach it with him – how do you two deal with other things you don’t agree on?

Post # 53
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee

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amongclouds :  it’s not the money. It’s that he doesn’t respect that she has interests and wants. I spend an obscene amount of money on jewelry. My fiancé understands that is my hobby and my jewelry brings me joy. Just like I understand the money he dumps into his Harley brings him joy. We don’t have to have the same interests but we can’t hold each other back from doing what we love.

Post # 54
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee

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theweddingunplanner :  right. My fiancé would have been estatic if I only wanted a $3k ring. 

Post # 55
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee

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jessicaj15 :  

I posted a comment on the first page but I want to clear some things up.  First, people have different values and priorities.  It’s part of life.  There are people here guilt tripping you for speaking up about the value an engagement ring holds for you and that having an engagement ring that lines up with your tastes is a priority for you.  There is nothing wrong with having that as a priority and speaking up honestly about it.  The main questions started with budget, was your ring preference within your household budget.  It sounds like yes.  You have an aversion to an Etsy ring.  Ok.  That’s fine.  No one should insist that your ring come from Etsy.  That stupid issue needs to go away.  You want a ring from what you call a “reputable jeweler.”. There are Etsy Jewelers who are reputable jewelers, but I think you mean “mainstream Jewelers” who are independent of an Etsy platform.  I feel the same way, mainly because of the many cases I’ve heard of Etsy not holding their business owners accountable when they don’t honor return agreements or they refuse to accept responsibility for shoddy work.  They also have been proven to delete negative reviews in favor of their business owners so customers can’t use a free market approach to protect themselves from risk.  It’s a current problem that Etsy has yet to solve.  But it’s a big problem and why I personally am unwilling to make any large expenditures from Etsy.  There are bees here who have lovely rings from Etsy sellers but those who have had bad experiences couldn’t even get compensation.  There was a bee who posted about her awful experience from beginning to end and she lost a lot of money. So…..with that addressed, you want to go with a non-Etsy jeweler.  There’s nothing wrong with that!

There’s also nothing wrong with speaking up about wanting a ring (that you’ll wear everyday for the rest of your married life) that his arbitrary spending restriction won’t allow for.  If you’re not talking about putting yourselves in financial straits here, this is a valid issue for discussion.  It’s no different than him putting an arbitrary restriction on the cost of a house, with you having no say, that puts you in a neighborhood or in a fixer upper you don’t want to live in.  There is no acknowledgement on this primarily female board of the inherent and deeply entrenched sexism that is built into the engagement process and which women are perpetuating by imposing it on other women.  “Your man will choose a ring for you and you must like it.  You are an awful entitled brat if you speak up that you want something different.  How ungrateful you are!”. This isn’t done to men.  It’s something imposed by tradition on women and perpetuated by judgment, callousness, and people who refuse to see the sexism that is plaguing the engagement and wedding process.  The bigger manifestation of it is the waiting/proposal game that women also play their role in perpetuating between complaints.  The man will decide when he’s ready (for the both of you) and he must do the asking on his own schedule because it must be a surprise.  He must not disclose the details because it must be a surprise but it must be good enough.  Every time I see a “how to deal with a disappointing proposal” thread heading I want to throw up, but sometimes I peak in to see if something can be said positively to salvage the situation.  Anyway, this may seem like a tangent, but not entirely.  There is heavy handed sexism here going on that’s getting disguised under “budget” discussions.  The two of you can afford the ring you want.  That’s established.  He doesn’t agree with prioritizing this, something you want, but because it’s an ENGAGEMENT RING you’re supposed to shut up and be happy with what he decides.  For real?  Are these women saying this hearing themselves?

If your fi wanted a particular car, I don’t think he’d drop it the second you said you didn’t agree with spending more than x on a car when what he wants is well within your budget.  If he refuses to consider what you value,  and refuses to prioritize something that CAN be prioritized because it’s important to you, then think about what that says about what kind of partner he is.  I doubt this is the only time this will or would happen.  This is not about jewelry.  It’s about him valuing your desires and preferences because he values you and your comfort and happiness.  It’s about him taking your input into consideration and acting on it because you have a voice in your relationship.  You should both be sensitive to each other’s values and priorities.  Him saying I value money in the bank more than getting you a forever ring that’s within our budget is not just about conflicting priorities for the moment.  If he is unwilling to direct funds to something that’s important to you on the sole argument that it’s not important to HIM than he is putting himself first, front and center, in your relationship. Clearly this is not about him being “frugal” across the board and just being a cheapskate, because you mentioned that spending money on traveling and hobbies is a regular occurrence in your relationship.  This is about him refusing to spend money on anything that he doesn’t personally want. So  wilthe, you will only get what you want when it happens to line up with what HE wants, because what he decides is important will overrule what you say on the matter.  Well, I need to look at my calendar again because I thought 1950 was over and behind us by 70 years.  Have we circled back on it again?

If you two couldn’t afford a $3000 engagement ring, I’d be encouraging you to toss that dream away and direct you to something cheaper.  But where funds aren’t prohibitive, $3000 is modest for a modern engagement ring.  I’ve done a LOT of looking and $3000-5000 is standard for a diamond ring between .5 to 1.0 carat, especially if side stones, halo or pave are involved.

Your budget is NOT unreasonable, your request to have a ring to your tastes is not unreasonable.  Anyone telling you to stuff it and like whatever HE decides you’re ALLOWED to have need to re-evaluate.  And people who don’t prioritize jewelry or engagement rings specifically for themselves don’t get to tell you that you can’t.  Personally, I think the constant travelling that is popular these days is a ridiculous waste of money.  Great.  So I won’t travel and “waste” my money on it.  But I don’t get to guilt trip people who value traveling and prioritize it in their lifestyle.  This is no different.

Talk to your fiance about the fact that you need to have a voice in your relationship and about what’s important to you.  But as I said, before in my first post, you should be willing to contribute to the cost of it.  You can’t stand up against him deciding FOR you because he’s the man (which is what is happening here) and then demand that he pay for it in full *because he’s the man.* No double standards.  Talk about the ring you want and talk about how you can work together to set aside funds for it.

Post # 56
Member
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

 

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neverbeenstungbee :   Ugh. I dated a cheap guy too for about a half a minute. After an entire childhood of cheap I knew he wasn’t for me lol.

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baileybagels :  I see frugality and cheapness as two very different things. My husband is frugal. His favorite store is Tractor Supply. He’s fine with the most inexpensive shampoo, soap, watch, etc. But if I value something he doesnt give me shit about getting it, even if he personally thinks it’s ridiculous. But I had the sense not to get expensive stuff when we were in our 20s and starting to build a life. It has to be both people in agreement. If he was the type who said “$200 moisturizer? No way you’re getting that. Use this $1.99 cream”  we would not be married. And if he insisted I wear a Timex watch equivalent of an engagement ring that would be a hard no. But he spent over $4000 back in the 80s to get my ring. (And then he got an enormous tax bill he wasn’t expecting. I offered to take the ring back but he declined. I soon learned that whining about taxes is just a thing for him.)

But OP you cant compare yourself to others. It’s a losing game. There will always be those that have more and those that have less. My SIL has a huge chunk of rock. I have no idea what it cost but I can guess. If I told my husband I needed that large a ring I think he’d tell me I’m a moron.

Post # 57
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee

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jessicaj15 :  

PS This coming from someone who got married young and broke and I personally insisted that we not spend a dime on an engagement ring of any kind because we couldn’t afford it.  I chose to get married with a simple gold band.  I got my first engagement ring after fifteen years of marriage.  We also couldn’t afford a reception so we didn’t have one.  We had a simple church wedding and dinner afterwards.  I know all about passing on what I want for the sake of budget.  What you’ve described is not that.

Post # 58
Member
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

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gimmepretty :  Very well said.

Is an engagement ring less frivolous than a fancy computer or tv or a set of golf clubs? Of the three, only the engagement ring takes a beating as a useless waste of money. Why? Misogyny, and it is perpetuated by women. I see stories on here of women unhappy with their engagement rings, including one who dated a guy for 9 years who made a 6 figure salary, had piles of expensive crap for himself, and bought her a .25 carat solitaire. Didn’t want to spend more – ever, nor did he want her to use her money. The odds are long on that marriage surviving and I told her as much. Who needs a cheap control freak in their lives? Of course other chimed in that it was a gift, she should be grateful and not expect more, he wants to make her his wife she should feel grateful (again). I maintain that being grateful that at least someone will marry you is pretty sad. And being grateful for something you’ll have to wear every day that you don’t like is impossible. If you don’t like something your opinion of that thing rarely changes. How would the guy like to wear plaid pants every day just because they’re a gift from his fiancee?

Post # 60
Member
9238 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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penny1403 :  But you bought your own engagement ring. All 3 times. Whether outright paying for it, or by paying the guys bills so he could re-direct his money. So you have actually been in this situation and you did not dump him, you bought your own ring. And your guy is actually dumpable for a dozen other reasons.

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