Cannot agree on ring price

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
3111 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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jessicaj15 :  I don’t blame you in the least.  The heart wants what it wants. Everyone values things differently. What I’m struggling with is his unwillingness to see that while he doesn’t value jewelry, you do and this ring is for you! No doubt there are things he values, that you don’t. This is a one time purchase for a very special life event. He has the financial resources, and you don’t want a diamond simulant and/or an Etsy ring. He’s disregarding your opinion, your desires, your wishes, in favour of his own. I would be unhappy and hurt by that too….

Post # 62
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My husband spend 1k on a ring and if he had followed the salary rule he should have spent 30k but at the end of the day I cried over that ring and we got married. While I do think $2800 Is reasonable for an engagement ring, most men just don’t see the value in jewelry so I would offer to split the cost of the ring you want otherwise I would forget the ring and get the band (I’m one of those who thinks it’s a waste of funds if you can’t be happy with the alternative). In a few years you can revisit the ring talk after saving up a bit more.

Post # 63
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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gimmepretty :  Sexism? OP has self-imposed a sexist tradition that the engagement ring must be a gift from her SO. What’s feminist is saying I’ll contribute or purchase entirey exactly what I want. 

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sunburn :  
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penny1403 :  

Yikes. $200 moisturizer and Harleys. Sorry, I always had food to eat, a roof over my head, and warm clothes, but I just never have had quite that degree of privilege and honestly it feels incredibly materialistic to me. You were smart to not marry a cheapskate because I can’t understand that way of thinking, but I’m glad you found someone who can.

Post # 64
Member
3540 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

In general, to some degree, I would agree with the sentiments that perhaps he isn’t respecting what makes her happy, and that it’s unfair of him to insist on a smaller budget than he can easily afford. I would still say that she should contribute to the cost, but I would understand the sentiment. 

BUT, the OP isn’t expressing that she’s fallen in love with a beautiful ring that makes her so happy. This is purely about money. She believes her friends have $15000 rings and therefore she’s upset that she won’t have that. She stated that she’s grown up with the idea of men spending a lot on a ring, and she’s upset that he isn’t willing to meet that expectation. 

You don’t get to reject a gift on the grounds that the gifter didn’t spend as much as you want. I 100% believe that women deserve a say in the look of a ring that is theoretically going to be on their finger until the day they die. But this is ridiculous. OP isn’t upset about the cut, the color, the style. She’s upset about the price tag! 

OP, please take a minute to question tradition. Think about what YOU want, aside from silly traditions and social expectations. Make this about the ring rather than the price tag, and talk to your fiance about a specific ring that will make you happy. But please stop acting like it’s ok to tell someone how much to spend on an unnecessary gift. 

Post # 65
Member
10992 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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gimmepretty :  

Go Team Moissy.  Anything that deprives the DeBeers family of money is a thing of beauty to me.

Moissy actually has more sparkle than a diamond.  It rates 9.5 in hardness on the MOHS scale.  A diamond gets a 10.

How much to spend is a function of the couples’ financial situation.  Wants score way down at the bottom of the list.

The Bee who mentioned depreciation is right.  Diamonds have very little actual value outside of industrial use.  They pull big bucks in retail because we fall for stupid marketing ploys.

It’s a terrible investment.

Get what you can *realistically* and comfortably afford.  Focus on the marriage, not the stupid commercials.

Post # 66
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee

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baileybagels :  I addressed the double standard.  I also said that women are the ones perpetuating this while in-between perpetuating it, they complain.  Engagement and wedding traditions are a mess right now.  But yes, sexism is at the heart of a lot of the trouble and why women get spun in circles when they try to talk things out.  Even when a guy isn’t sexist at heart, these traditions are riddled with sexist premises and lead to a lot of frustration and sometimes agony when it gets to the waiting and proposal nightmare as I mentioned in my post.  But did you read far enough in my post to get to the point that I told her she can’t fight sexism with more sexism by demanding he pay for it singlehandedly because *he’s the man*?  I said “no double standards” and that she should help pay for it.  So it was already addressed….

Post # 67
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee

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lovelyruby :  

I think she did a poor job of expressing herself on this thread.  But she did clarify that she while she enjoys other gemstones for other jewelry, she wants a natural mined diamond for her engagement ring and she is aware that she can’t get much diamond if limited to spending under a thousand.  She said she would settle for a lab diamond if budget continued to be an issue.  So with that in mind, she’s right that she would have trouble finding a ring suited to her tastes with that budget.  She said she found something she would like but it’s about $2800.

Post # 68
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee

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Daisy_Mae :  I didn’t pay a dollar for the ring fiancé gave me. It was financed using my credit, but he made every payment and paid it in full before the 12 months same as cash deal ended. My previous fiancé paid for my diamond. I have since had it made into a new ring that I paid for, but that is now a right hand ring. Get your facts straight if you’re gonna talk crap…

Post # 69
Member
3540 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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gimmepretty :  I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt here, but the name of this thread is that they can’t agree on price (not that they can’t agree on a stone/size/ring). And she goes on to talk about the importance of a man spending a lot of money on her ring. 

But assuming you’re right – OP, take all focus off the price. Explain to your fiance what you’re looking for in a ring and why those features are important to you. And again, be willing to compromise a lot if you aren’t willing to help out with the cost, because this is still a gift.

Post # 70
Member
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

sassy411 :  Well there are a lot of cars out there, but no one tells a guy he should get a Ford Fiesta when he really wants a Mercedes. Hey, they both get you to work and back, what’s the big deal, right? Does anyone tell these guys they’re falling for evil marketing? And we all know a car depreciates the minute it rolls out of the showroom. Ha. 

As for De Beers being evil, please. Find me one successful corporation that doesnt do bad things. Find me one that doesnt try to convince people to buy their products with advertising and slogans. Diamonds are the scapegoat not because they’re valueless (I’ve had reasonable offers on some of mine) or they depreciate, but because they’re enjoyed by women. No one will convince me that it’s any more than that.

Post # 71
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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gimmepretty :  haha there may have been some skimming (it was quite long wink)

He doesn’t agree with prioritizing this, something you want, but because it’s an ENGAGEMENT RING you’re supposed to shut up and be happy with what he decides.  For real?  Are these women saying this hearing themselves?

It’s more this part. I know you addressed the sexism. And I’m glad you brought it up, because I agree with you. But I think this part was a mischaracterization. I think what most Bees were saying is that if you insist on it being a gift (OP perpetuating sexist tradition) then it’s kind of uncool to tell someone they need to double+ the value of said gift. Instead, chip in/pay for it, etc.

However, overall, I think we agree on more than we disagree and I appreciate having a strong feminist on the Bee 🙂 

Post # 72
Member
10312 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would offer to split the price. If the ring is $3000, you each put $1500 toward it. He’d still be coming up more on his budget but not having to double it and you’d get the ring you want. I don’t think it’s fair to say he just doesn’t care about making you happy, he’s still spending way more than he would choose to on a piece of jelwery. I can’t think of any other circumstance where anyone would pretend it’s okay to demand a certain amount of money is spent on a gift. 

Post # 73
Member
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

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baileybagels :  I dont get the allure of video games, I think they’re a waste of time, and I wouldn’t pay a penny for them, but I dont label anyone who buys them as materialistic. We all have different values. I value my skin and spend a lot on skin care products. I also happily shop at Marshall’s because I dont value clothing very much. I’m always spilling something on it or it’s covered in animal hair.

Post # 74
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee

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sunburn :  I agree. We can observe a similar phenomenon in the characterization of fashion and cosmetics, despite the artistic effort and technical knowledge required to excel at both.

baileybagels :  I wouldn’t spend $600 on a moissanite ring, but I’m not going to judge someone who does as materialistic.

jessicaj15 :  

Ultimately, marriage is going to involve compromise. My spouse and I have made plenty of purchases that he or I would not have made separately, but we respect each other’s values and tastes. If one partner think that a daytime flight is exorbitant when a red-eye is available, will you take separate flights to vacation? Live in separate houses? Will one bear the entirety of the wedding expenses because the other wants to go to the courthouse? As other posters alluded to, an engagement ring is not more frivolous than a nice car, an expensive hobby, or a vacation.

Constructively, I think your best strategy is to find a ring you really like, which it sounds like you have, and work backwards from there.

Another thing he might want to consider is that, unfortunately, people do judge others by their engagement rings, and if his peers of similar financial means do purchase and are easily able to afford $15K rings, then people will notice, and it could come across as miserly and selfish, especially if his spending habits are otherwise normal.

Post # 75
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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baileybagels :  Couldn’t agree with your statements more! Most of us are simply having a hard time understanding how it’s cool to insist on the sexist tradition of “a man spending a chunk of change on an engagement ring by himself” while also whining about not wanting to pitch in if the gift isn’t going to be at her standards. 

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