- 4 years ago
I could use some advice. First, I’m going to give a bit of a background and then I’ll get into the meat and potatos of the issue. I’m going to preface by saying I love my boyfriend very much, we are planning to get engaged and are in the process of picking out a ring. We’ve been together for 3 years, and are both in our 30’s. My boyfriend is an only child. His mother passed away about 5 years ago. I have no problems with the rest of his family (cousins, aunts, uncles) and we all get a long really well and make an effort to see each other.
I come from a family with a lot of siblings, I talk to my parents often. But my parents live in Florida (the rest of us are in the North East), and I rarely see them. I am also the indepedant type and my parents are not helicopter parents or needy at all. They have their finances together, they have their lives together. They both retired at 58 because they planned so well. So, I have a really hard time dealing with the neediness and childlike behavior of my boyfriend’s father. I simply do not get how a parent can act this way.
According to my boyfriend, when his mother passed away (due to a car accident, but suspected drinking and driving), his father went off the deep end. I did not know either of them before she passed, so this is my only impression of his father. His father is an alcholic, to the point that he is no longer allowed to drive, has to take a state ordered breathalizer 2x daily, multiple DUIs, in and out of jail or rehab constantly. He blew through all of his retirement money, and life insurance money from his wife’s passing in only 2 years. My boyfriend was promised 10k of it from his father, and he blew through that too. My boyfriend had planned on using that money as a downpayment for our home. His father ended up getting robbed while in jail because he let some random 25 year old hoodrat stay in his apartment that he had only known for 2 weeks. He also gave her his pin number (why???) for his debit card, and she stole the rest of his money, which wasn’t much for a man in his 60’s, only about 2 thousand dollars. He will call my boyfriend on a regular basis, either complaining about money or threatening to kill himself. We’ve had to call the cops on him multiple times to have them check on him. We live 2 and a half hours away, and he refuses to move closer, even though he literally has nothing going on. No hobbies, no friends, doesn’t work, and the rest of his family wants nothing to do with him (his siblings won’t even speak to him.) He also has a pending lawsuit against him for assaulting a police officer and his neighbors are constantly complaining about his loud music. He even threated his neighbor saying he was going to shoot his dog, because he stepped in dog poop. Just TONS of issues. I’ve never known anyone with this many self made problems. He will blame it on his wife passing, but it was my boyfriend’s mother that passed away also, and he still manages to keep it together and act like an adult. He basically acts like a bratty teenager and expects my boyfriend to parent him, even though he is the parent and over 60 freaking years old! It’s insane.
Needless to say, I hate spending any time with this guy. He is so negative, low class. I have no idea how my boyfriend turned out the way he did with a parent like this. My boyfriend swears up and down that his father was never like this and his personality completely changed. It is wearing both of us out! Myboyfriend loaned him money, and then his father asked for more money. At that point, he said no, since he had not paid him back the $800 he loaned in the first place. We are not in a financial place that we can be loaning out money like that to people, we are trying to buy a house, get married, and have a family together.
2 years ago, my boyfriend got a DUI, it was his second DUI (clearly alcohol problems run in his family.) I was absolutely furious, but I stuck by him. He lost his drivers license for 3 years. I’ve had to do a lot of carting around since then and playing taxi. And I REALLY hate driving in general. We had to move closer to his job so he could get an uber, rides, or take the bus, and I still often drive him. We both work full time. It was a huge wake up call for my boyfriend. He didn’t want to lose me. He didn’t want to risk losing his job that he’s had for 10 years. He didn’t want to see himself go down the path his father has. He has been in counsaling and making strides. He still has not quit drinking, but I’ve seen a lot of improvement from him. He even recently lost 20 lbs in the past 3 months from cutting down on drinking. I chose to stick by him, so my issue isn’t this.
My problem is, neither of them have a drivers license and his dad lives 2 and a half hours away. Last Christmas, I got in a car accident trying to drive him down to see his father. I was rear ended on the highway when traffic was at a stop. We are lucky to be alive. My car was totalled and it was paid off. I now have a car loan I need to pay every month for the next 4 years because of this accident. (My car was old, it wasn’t worth much.) His father somehow thinks it’s my responsibility for them to see each other. He bitches and moans about how lonely he is. We offered he could stay with us, and I would pick him up from the trainstation (which is an hour of driving on my part) if he takes it up. He never took us up on the offer but constantly complains that he doesn’t get to see his son. Like it is somehow my fault that I don’t want to drive down there? Frankly, I shouldn’t have to be involved every time they see each other. They are two grown men. Figure it out. I don’t think my boyfriend cares much because he doesn’t bring it up. I think he spends time with his father out of guilt more than anything. He’s not a pleasant guy to be around. He’s also a horrible host in general and there is nothing to do where he lives. He basically just throws the TV on and wants to sit on the couch and smoke weed the whole time we are there. I don’t have time for that. My time on this earth is finite. I want to spend it with people I really care about, positive people, and doing the things I love. Guilt trips don’t really work on me either. I’m a very direct person.
This past Christmas, his father was making all kinds of off the cusp comments to me. “Must be nice to have the power because you’re the one that drives.” And then tried to lay on the guilt trip when we told him we need to head back up north. I reminded him that although he is home all week, we are not because we both have jobs. I let him know that next Christmas, I am planning to visit my parents in Florida, since for the past 3 years we went down there. And I would also like to my boyfriend to come with, but it’s up to him. I told him that next year, they are going to have to sort it out on there own if they want to see each other. He then tried to invite himself to florida with us, I straight out told him no, he can’t come and it wasn’t an invitation. (Harsh, maybe, but I’m tired of his crap.) He then proceeded to ask me if my mom is hot. I just looked at my boyfriend like wtf?? And he said he’s lonely and needs to date someone. I said first of all, my mother has been married to my stepfather for 25 years, second of all, she lives in Florida, thirdly, that’s really weird considering your son and I are together, and fourth, there’s no way in all of heaven or hell that my mother would be into you. I then went to the bathroom and heard his father making some off handed comments to my boyfriend about me, and heard my boyfriend scolding him like a child, basically. Then he makes another comment about why can’t I drive down there on a Saturday night and back up on a Sunday. I just looked at him right in the eye and told him because I don’t want to spend my time off doing that. (I have no interest in trying to impress someone like this, I honestly do not care.)
Last night he calls my boyfriend, and continues the bitch fest. I hear it right as I walk in the door from work. My bf is explaining to him that it’s not my fault they both lost their drivers licenses, that he needs to take responsbility to that, and that I am indeed doing them a favor when I drive them to see each other. I’m glad my boyfriends stood up for me, but it was clear it wasn’t sinking through his fathers head. Keep in mind, I’m not even his wife yet… I am sick of his father’s bratty behavior, entitlement. I’ve been pretty honest with the bf about how I do not enjoy spending time with his father and think he’s a negative person. I would like to keep in at an arms length. My bf understands because frankly, he doesn’t want to hang out with my parents either just for no reason.
So what the heck do I do? I am so embarassed of this guy and am dreading the day my parents will meet him. He constantly embarasses my bf and is calling with his latest drama, stressing him out. It’s even worse because he’s an only child and his father is a needy, cling on with no other friends or family that will talk to him. Do I just completely brush it off and ignore it? What the heck would you do with this situation?