(Closed) Cannot stand boyfriend's father and I don't know what to do.

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

Your boyfriend’s father sounds toxic and from your description, it sounds as though your boyfriend only has soft boundaries with him, not the hard and reinforced boundaries that you (and the relationship) need. 

I would suggest holding off on the engagement until you and bf have gone to counseling to discuss and agree to appropriate boundaries with his father. You two need to be on the same page as far as how to handle his father and then actually follow through with it. 

Post # 3
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

I stopped reading when you called the dad “low class”. Not everyone can be as perfect as you.  He’s suffering, he needs therapy, and your judgement isn’t helping the situation. I didn’t see anything in your post about you trying to get him in rehab. LoL then while skimming I saw your bf has 2 dui’s but you don’t judge him for it. And if they’re “two grown men who can figure it out” then why is this even your problem? Remove yourself from the middle, don’t offer rides, don’t get involved. And you said “my time on this Earth is finite”- but then you called the dad entitled? Lol pot meet kettle. Everyone’s life is important. That’s his only son, the only family he has left, dad will never stop calling. You should push for theraputic rehab, but otherwise remove yourself from their relationship.

Post # 4
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

Your boyfriend needs to have the relationship with his dad that he finds appropriate.  You are not obligated to have the same relationship.  Mind your own– you and your boyfriend are the only ones you need to be concerned with.  Tell your boyfriend that you would prefer not to see or speak with his father besides major holidays and family events.  If your boyfriend and father want to see each other, they need to make arrangements for the drive themselves.  You are wonderful for helping your boyfriend with the essentials, but visiting his dad is not one of those.  Keep doing the things that will benefit your relationship and help it grow; leave his dad out of that process, as he’s not been helpful.  Your boyfriend obviously understands the value of working hard to keep his mental state in line.  Improvements in counseling are a big step, and I think he needs to talk to his therapist about his father, too.  So much unhealthiness there. 

Post # 6
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

More concerning is your bf’s 2nd DUI and he is still drinking. Your bf is likely alcoholic as well. 

As far as the father, you’ve said your piece. As pps said, the boundaries have to come from your bf. 

Wishing you the courage to change what you can, and the serenity to accept what you cannot.

Oh, and the wisdom to know the difference!

Post # 8
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

He isn’t “actively working on it” if he’s still drinking. 

Post # 9
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

Stop offering rides. They chose to drink and drive, now they have to deal with the consequences. Let the father know you will gladly support him if he would like to attend therapy or rehab, but until then, you will no longer be visiting him. If your boyfriend would like to visit him more, he can save up and take the train, cab, uber, whatever combination it would take to get him there.

Honestly I’m really surprised you are not harder on your boyfriend about quitting drinking. If my bf had two duis, lost his license, and expected me to drive him around, he would be quitting drink completely and attending AA meetings on the regular if he expected me to stay around. 

Post # 10
Member
10983 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
carrotqueen :  

Al Anon.

Post # 11
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

Wow, this is unfortunate. Glad to hear your bf knows he is an alcoholic and is addressing it in some ways. Negotiating family can be hard. Glad you are blunt and have already put your foot down in certain ways. Good for you. Many women do not have such good boundaries. I’d stop suggesting he move closer, un less he’s in rehab. I’d stop driving your bf to see his dad. These are the consequences of getting a dui and you have been really kind and generous with your time and vehicle so far . I agree with the first poster who said go to counseling with the bf and establish clear guidelines about how much involvement he wil have in your life and vice versa. And I hope neither of you give him any more money. Yes he is struggling but he is making horrible choices alcoholic or not. You should be able to focus on saving your money for a house abd wedding without guilt from a 60 year old father who already had a home and plenty of money with which to care for it and he chose to blow it. He may have to hit rock bottom to be forced into treatment and you guys are just delaying the inevitable if you enable him to continue doing what he is doing. 

Post # 12
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

The dad is low-class, and I think yupmarried would agree if she kept reading.

That being said, it sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I’m surprised you are still with your boyfriend after seeing what alcoholism looks like in his dad, and I am REALLY surprised, and concerned, that your BF is still drinking after a. seeing what a monster his dad is and b. enduring his mom dying in a suspected DUI. If people can go through that with a family member and not have the motivation to quit, they’re deep in the throes of addiction – which you admit.

Your BF’s dad’s awful behavior is a result of the same condition your BF has. Why are you partaking in this situation? I would be out of there if I were you. It won’t end well.

Post # 14
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

Classism is a form of predjudice.

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