(Closed) Cannot stand boyfriend's father and I don't know what to do.

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
carrotqueen : 

Your bf’s father sounds like he likely has dementia or another health condition if his personality has radically changed.  Unfortunately there are pretty unpleasant physical consequences to being an alcoholics this shouldn’t be surprising.  Not what you want to hear, but your bf will likely have his own set of mental and physical health issues later in life due to his alcoholism.  Class isn’t the issue at hand, but it’s a convenient scape goat. 

Continuing to drink in a reduced capacity isn’t how alcoholism is actively addressed.  Your bf has a very long and hard road ahead fighting his addiction.  Major stressors like marriage, kids, and buying a house aren’t realistic goals for a newly recovering alcoholic and could actually lead to relapse.  As the ex wife of an alcoholic (high functioning), I think you have extremely unrealistic ideas of what your life will be like if you marry your bf. 

Post # 17
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Obviously your BF’s father, and perhaps your BF himself, have serious problems with no simple solutions. However, it looks to me like the only reason you’re involved here is BF’s lack of a license. Did he lose it permanently, or is it suspended for some length of time? Is there any time frame for him getting it back? Once he’s able to drive himself to visit his father, a lot of this will stop being your problem. If this is a short-term thing, I don’t think it’s worth trying to do anything other than just stick it out as best you can.

EDIT: Ok, I reread the OP, and I see that he lost his license for 3 years, 2 years ago. That leaves one year left. I understand it’s a bad situation, but if your BF keeps his life on track, it’s a temporary problem at this point. (And if he does lose his license again, you’ve got bigger problems than the license.)

Post # 18
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

That sounds so stressful. Do you think you’d feel relieved to just say “good riddance” and cut both of them out of your life? 

Post # 20
Member
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
carrotqueen :  

Why is your boyfriend still drinking? I would be worried about him getting his license back when he’s still drinking.

It seems like you are turning a blind eye to your boyfriend because he plans to quit drinking in the future (yet, he hasn’t stopped yet) but you are railing against his father for the same (albeit more extreme) things.

Ask AA or his counselor what they think of your boyfriend (who struggles with alcohol) maintaining a relationship with his alcoholic father. I can tell you that answer right now.

Post # 21
Member
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

And how is he not in AA yet? He doesn’t strike me as serious about stopping the alcohol

Post # 22
Member
6108 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d hold off on engagement. What if you want to have kids? This sounds like a huge mess. 

Post # 24
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I feel bad for you.  I have several toxic family members (my father has severe rage issues, uncles who are alcoholics and a mean drunk, etc.) and I pretty much cut them out of my life.  My dad isn’t even invited to my wedding.

Its going to be harder for you though, because it’s your FHs family that’s the issue.  There’s not much you can do because your fiancé needs to deal with it.

Post # 26
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

No boyfriend is worth all this. What is the upside of all this? How great your boyfriend (with the 2 DUIs) is? 

You must have a lot more patience than I do. 

Post # 27
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

He sounds like my father (minus the alcohol but with some undiagnosed something mentally going on). I haven’t spoken to him in 6 years because he wasn’t willing to get help and he’ll never change. There’s not much you can do aside from sticking to your guns about not playing chauffeur anymore. Your bf is right, they made decisions to get their licenses taken away. They need to figure it out. 

I get that you love him, but I guess you just have to decide if you want to deal with addiction the rest of your life. Alcoholism doesn’t go away…people need to work on it constantly. There will always be urges and will possibly be slip-ups. The next slip-up could lead to him being drunk behind the wheel again and killing someone or himself. My ex many moons ago was an alcoholic and it was honestly the worst decision I’ve ever made. 

Post # 29
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
carrotqueen :  “His doctor advised him to wait until after the New Year to quit since it’s very difficult to do it around New Year’s Eve.

What kind of doctor says that??

being naggy has not helped in the past

Oh no. He did not pull the nag card on you over you wanting him to quit his addiction, 2 YEARS after he put his own *and other people’s* life in danger for the SECOND time. Seriously?!

I’d say you have the patience of a saint but I think you’re just blinded by love. This has hell no written all over it.

Post # 30
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
carrotqueen :  AA is not “religious” – in fact, that’s stated in their creed. When they use the term “God” it means a higher power, not a religious god. 

That’s a b.s. excuse, which it sounds like your BF is the expert of when it comes to not drinking.

why are people focused on your boyfriend? Because your post is about problems with his alcoholic father, and it’s obvious that those problems are not contained only in the father. This is clear as a bell to everyone else on this thread. 

 

The topic ‘Cannot stand boyfriend's father and I don't know what to do.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors