Post # 16
Your bf’s father sounds like he likely has dementia or another health condition if his personality has radically changed. Unfortunately there are pretty unpleasant physical consequences to being an alcoholics this shouldn’t be surprising. Not what you want to hear, but your bf will likely have his own set of mental and physical health issues later in life due to his alcoholism. Class isn’t the issue at hand, but it’s a convenient scape goat.
Continuing to drink in a reduced capacity isn’t how alcoholism is actively addressed. Your bf has a very long and hard road ahead fighting his addiction. Major stressors like marriage, kids, and buying a house aren’t realistic goals for a newly recovering alcoholic and could actually lead to relapse. As the ex wife of an alcoholic (high functioning), I think you have extremely unrealistic ideas of what your life will be like if you marry your bf.
Post # 17
Obviously your BF’s father, and perhaps your BF himself, have serious problems with no simple solutions. However, it looks to me like the only reason you’re involved here is BF’s lack of a license. Did he lose it permanently, or is it suspended for some length of time? Is there any time frame for him getting it back? Once he’s able to drive himself to visit his father, a lot of this will stop being your problem. If this is a short-term thing, I don’t think it’s worth trying to do anything other than just stick it out as best you can.
EDIT: Ok, I reread the OP, and I see that he lost his license for 3 years, 2 years ago. That leaves one year left. I understand it’s a bad situation, but if your BF keeps his life on track, it’s a temporary problem at this point. (And if he does lose his license again, you’ve got bigger problems than the license.)
Post # 18
That sounds so stressful. Do you think you’d feel relieved to just say “good riddance” and cut both of them out of your life?
Post # 19
No, I love my boyfriend. He takes good care of me. Yes it has been stressful, but we are at the tail-end and he will be getting his license back soon. We spoke yesterday in depth about it and are working on a plan for him to quit his drinking, with consequences if he drinks again. Both AA and counsaling are part of that plan (he already goes to counsaling). I can understand why people are concerned. However, my boyfriend treats me very well. This is his one issue, though a big one, and I am not perfect myself. He knows he needs this to be resolved before we get married and have children, not negotiable for me. Personally, his life long dream is to have a family. I could live a happy life without children, so kids isn’t a deal breaker for me. I told him having children is out of the question if he can’t get this under control. But we are going to work as a couple because he does need me to be supportive about it, being naggy has not helped in the past.
However, I would be happy to say good riddance to his father. But let’s be honest, someone that treats their body like this probably isn’t going to live much longer anyways. He literally couldn’t use his legs for awhile from drinking… I have not lost hope for my boyfriend, but we both have for his father. We know he’s too far gone and has no desire to turn his life around at this point. And you can’t help anyone that won’t help themself.
Post # 20
Why is your boyfriend still drinking? I would be worried about him getting his license back when he’s still drinking.
It seems like you are turning a blind eye to your boyfriend because he plans to quit drinking in the future (yet, he hasn’t stopped yet) but you are railing against his father for the same (albeit more extreme) things.
Ask AA or his counselor what they think of your boyfriend (who struggles with alcohol) maintaining a relationship with his alcoholic father. I can tell you that answer right now.
Post # 21
And how is he not in AA yet? He doesn’t strike me as serious about stopping the alcohol
Post # 22
I’d hold off on engagement. What if you want to have kids? This sounds like a huge mess.
Post # 23
He goes to alcohol counsaling which is one on one, vs group sessions which is AA. He’s not religious and AA is, so he’s not to keen on that. I can’t say I blame him for that. He also has taken alchohol classes and got through the course. He’s cut his drinking down to 1/3 of what it was before, which is an improvement over the past 3 months. His doctor advised him to wait until after the New Year to quit since it’s very difficult to do it around New Year’s Eve. He needs to quit for health reasons, and I believe that has scared him a bit into being more serious.
My boyfriend is a kind person. His father is rude and negative. Even if he wasn’t drinking, I wouldn’t want to spend time with him anyways. I don’t brush off my boyfriends drinking, it just wasn’t the focus of this post intially. Trust me, I am not keen on it. Our lease is up in April and if he has not quit by then, I will have some hard decisions to make. He knows this. I don’t want it to come to me leaving him to get it together and neither does he, but I’ve been patient and it’s wearing thin.
Post # 24
I feel bad for you. I have several toxic family members (my father has severe rage issues, uncles who are alcoholics and a mean drunk, etc.) and I pretty much cut them out of my life. My dad isn’t even invited to my wedding.
Its going to be harder for you though, because it’s your FHs family that’s the issue. There’s not much you can do because your fiancé needs to deal with it.
Post # 25
Yeah, I would have zero problem cutting someone out like this if it were my family. Extra hard because he’s an only child and his mother passed away.
Post # 26
No boyfriend is worth all this. What is the upside of all this? How great your boyfriend (with the 2 DUIs) is?
You must have a lot more patience than I do.
Post # 27
He sounds like my father (minus the alcohol but with some undiagnosed something mentally going on). I haven’t spoken to him in 6 years because he wasn’t willing to get help and he’ll never change. There’s not much you can do aside from sticking to your guns about not playing chauffeur anymore. Your bf is right, they made decisions to get their licenses taken away. They need to figure it out.
I get that you love him, but I guess you just have to decide if you want to deal with addiction the rest of your life. Alcoholism doesn’t go away…people need to work on it constantly. There will always be urges and will possibly be slip-ups. The next slip-up could lead to him being drunk behind the wheel again and killing someone or himself. My ex many moons ago was an alcoholic and it was honestly the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Post # 28
I would appreciate if people would stop making judgements / comments about my boyfriend. This wasn’t the topic of the post, and I don’t need any of you to validate my relationship with him. I love him, I’m not going to sit here and write a novel as to why to prove to some random internet strangers that he’s worthy of me. Thanks. Posted about his DUI’s only because it’s relevant to me having to drive on holidays and his dad seems to expect it of me. Otherwise, I would not have brought it up. I did not come here asking for advice about my boyfriend.
Post # 29
“His doctor advised him to wait until after the New Year to quit since it’s very difficult to do it around New Year’s Eve.
What kind of doctor says that??
“being naggy has not helped in the past“
Oh no. He did not pull the nag card on you over you wanting him to quit his addiction, 2 YEARS after he put his own *and other people’s* life in danger for the SECOND time. Seriously?!
I’d say you have the patience of a saint but I think you’re just blinded by love. This has hell no written all over it.
Post # 30
AA is not “religious” – in fact, that’s stated in their creed. When they use the term “God” it means a higher power, not a religious god.
That’s a b.s. excuse, which it sounds like your BF is the expert of when it comes to not drinking.
why are people focused on your boyfriend? Because your post is about problems with his alcoholic father, and it’s obvious that those problems are not contained only in the father. This is clear as a bell to everyone else on this thread.