Cannot stand boyfriend's father and I don't know what to do.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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carrotqueen :  people are obviously going to point him out because it’s concernint whether you want us to or not. If you don’t want advice from “random internet strangers” then why are you asking us about anything at all? 

Post # 32
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

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carrotqueen :  You will never come first until your bf quits drinking and is in recovery.  An alcoholic is married to his addiction.  The first year of recovery will be brutal as will every relapse.  Your bf’s father is a glimpse at your future.  Alcoholism causes a myriad of health issues including brain damage.  A quick google search will yield hundred of health issues that result from alcoholism. 

You’re in denial about what a long and scary road recovery will be.  I wouldn’t wish being married to an alcoholic on anyone–internet stranger or not.  

 

Post # 34
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

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carrotqueen :  carrotqueen, we’re not being rude. Your Father-In-Law wouldn’t be half the problem he is if your boyfriend didn’t have the exact same problem. There is a very real possibility that he’s going to end up exactly like his dad and you are dismissing that possibility.

Post # 35
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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carrotqueen :  how is it rude to point out that addiction doesn’t just go away? It’s the truth and you’re getting input from people who have experience with it. Just because it’s something you don’t want to hear doesn’t make it rude or judgemental. 

Post # 36
Member
9580 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would refuse to ever see the father again. Ever. Seriously. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend can take the bus or something. or not. Who cares, not your problem.

I wouldnt marry the boyfriend until hes actually sober a few years. Toning down the drinking to moderate doesnt work for alcoholics. 

Post # 37
Member
5558 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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carrotqueen :  

It’s really hard to hear the truth when you are in denial.

He could treat you like a princess but he still has a problem with drinking that he doesn’t seem to be fixing.

There are many, many people who have been in your shoes that see the major problem that you are unwilling to see.

And I agree with pp, what kind of a dr would say “too much temptation on NYE, quit after the new year” ESPECIALLY if his health is at risk. If you didn’t hear the dr say that, I’m thinking your boyfriend is feeding you excuses. If the dr really DID say that, he needs a new one. And that would explain him continuing to drink.

Post # 38
Member
1479 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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carrotqueen :  

I can hear a lot of pain here. I can tell you I was in a very similar situation. I removed myself from that situation. My ex was the abusive/narcissistic ass that wouldn’t quit drinking (and snorting pills). I tried everything. I begged his parents (his father was an alcoholic too and his sister, his brother, and his mom – but she was the least bad out of all of them) to have an intervention for him.

I took pictures of him and videos and sent it to his folks (after we broke up).

I called them sobbing telling him he was abusing me again. They all had blinders on.

I also have some advice for you from my perspective. I am in the same boat as your bf. I have quit drinking and it will be 7 months. I am going to counseling, group, and recovery. I went away for 2 weeks for treatment. I am taking this seriously because I love my partner and I know that if I don’t change, I will lose him. He is my priority. If your bf has had two DUI’s and hasn’t quit yet, there is a problem. My advice should be taken with a grain of salt just like everyone else.

But I have been there, it doesn’t work out. I would suggest going to al-anon if you don’t already.

They can give you some tools to deal with the Father-In-Law like “detachment” which is one of the most important things you can learn.

Addiction is a serious illness…a disease. I believe your bf when he says this isn’t his father. Imagine watching the person you love completely shift and change into someone you don’t recognize. That’s what drugs and alcohol does. But he has to want to change. Good luck to you.

Post # 39
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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carrotqueen :  your boyfriend’s father is exactly what I’d describe as low class. Don’t let the nasty bees derail your post.

Sorry you’re going through this. X

Post # 40
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee

While I do not agree with your future father in law and I can imagine the type of stress that it outs you through, I can also not imagine the pain and loss your future father in law is feeling. 

I am also an only child and my father died when I was six. My mom went through an incredibly hard time after my father’s death and I had to live with my grandparents while she worked herself out. It took about a year AFTER I moved in with my grandparents for her to sort herself out. And she had support. It really doesn’t sound like your father in law has any support from anyone. His family isn’t talking to them and your Bf sounds like he doesn’t really care and talks to him out of necessity only and you have made it very clear about what you think of him. 

I read think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend about the boundaries you expect with his father. Once you both agree, you need to sit down with his father and make it clear that because of this toy won’t be doing this. U til he gets helped you are only planning on seeing him x amount of time etc. Etc. I can also understand your Bf’s father not wanting to move. That was the house that he had with his wife? The memories and just the meaning of that house are still there. Moving could be like the last piece of finalizing her death and he may not be ready for that. He is obviously severely struggling with her loss. You also said he has no money, how is he supposed to afford to move? Seems like a fantasy that you expect him too. 

And I am going to echo other PPs here even though it isn’t what you want to hear. Your Bf has had 2 DUIs and yet your are judging his father for literally the same issues. I don’t think your Bf is truly trying to stop if he is still drinking. I doubt he has seen the light. Your Bf isn’t a “grown man” who has his shit together if He has two DUIs…. He can very easily fall down the same path. 

I know you don’t want to “waste” your weekends but how are you going to feel if your bf’s father did actually kill himself? He is isolated, lonely, depressed, and an alcoholic…. That is a terrible cocktail for suicide. If you decide to ignore his cries for help because you are “over it” how are you going to feel if something were to happen. 

I think that you really need to have a discussion about hard boundaries with him until he starts getting help and improving. You could even tell him that his alcoholic problems make it hard for your Bf to conquer his on alcholoci problems and you will only start to see him once he cleans up his act. Etc. Etc. Maybe that would be the kick he needs? 

Post # 41
Member
5919 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I find it hard to believe any doctor would suggest that an alcoholic, with two DUIs and a suspended license, should only consider quitting ‘in the new year’ because doing it before New Year’s Eve would be ‘hard’.

Your bf and his dad clearly have the same underlying issues and your bf is not dealing with it well, which is the link all the other posters have been making.

Post # 42
Member
11387 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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carrotqueen :  

AA is not religious.  It refers to a power greater than yourself, whatever you may perceive that power to be.  There is absolutely no religion involved.

Your bf is either ignorant about AA or full of bs.

 

Post # 43
Member
11387 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Sansa85 :  

Addicts lie.  A lot.

Post # 44
Member
5874 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your BFs fatheris a very sick alcoholic.  Unfortunately you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend cannot fix this, but you do need to recognize it.  Your Boyfriend or Best Friend is probably also an alcoholic, although much more functional.

I think that you should go to Al Anon and get some resources to help you deal with this.  It’s frustrating, becuase you probably feel like I’m not the alcoholic, why should I have to go?  And you’d be right, it’s no fair.  But this problem has been dropped in your lap and it’s complex and illogical and it’s not something your equipt to deal with on your own.  Al Anon is there for people in your and your BF’s situation.

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