Cannot stand boyfriend's father and I don't know what to do.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

Aside from his father, I am very concerned about your boyfriends 2 DUI’s.  For me, that would 100% be a deal breaker. My Aunt was killed by a drunk driver, and many in my family have never been the same.  To drunk drive and be arrested not once, but twice, is selfish and unacceptable.  I think you should rethink your relationship.

Post # 47
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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carrotqueen :  Didn’t read the entire post. I stopped when you said your Boyfriend or Best Friend was convicted for a DUI, but he’s still drinking. And your proud of his progress. You wanna know what your boyfriend is going to look like in 30 years? The answer is exactly like his “low class” father. The father is irresponsible and so is your Boyfriend or Best Friend. You’re not either of their mothers, and it’s not your job to schlep them around. Make them call a bus or Uber. There are consequences to bad actions. ‘

And if it were me, I would walk away from both of them. 

Post # 48
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Unfortunately it sounds like you are enabling your alcoholic partner, much the same way you and he are enabling the father.

It also makes sense that you don’t want to hear comments about your partner…denial is a large part of addiction and enablement.

Please do some research on alcoholism and seriously consider the role you are playing and whether you want this for the rest of your life.

Post # 49
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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carrotqueen :  

I think the situation is complex  and very hard on you. And only you know how serious yr bf is about giving up alcohol , which you know he has to  completely  don’t you ? Otherwise, you  look at his dad and there is your bf, in however many years time  ……….

Leaving aside for now the difficult  road ahead re the alchoholism,  what I would suggest for the present is the simple ( NOT easy, but is simple)  strategy of not enabling  the meetings by your driving them to see each other .

No need to  dramatically announce you’ll never do it again , just don’t be  be available , 2 times out of three. Have something you have to do , even if you have to make something up . Obviously it has to be believable and if possible  true! You   have to see a friend/you’re starting a book club/going to  a movie with Sarah . Go alone if necessary,  just break the cycle of saying   yes to every expected lift.

You could maybe preempt  this by saying some variation on “I am doing x on Saturday ,so I won’t be able to take you to see your dad. I’ve looked up the buses  though  and there is one every hour, so…”  If he says ‘oh all right, Sunday then,’ you say , ‘no I’m seeing mum then’ or whatever .  Even saying you  can take him there  but can’t be availble to stay  and bring him back might be a start.

I imagine your own activities and  friendships have already suffered from all this ferrying about and sitting about in boredom -or worse -at his dad’s place, so stopping enabling  would be good plus getting some  of yoru own life back too.  

Post # 50
Hostess
4067 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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elderbee :  I wouldn’t even make excuses, I would flat-out say “I’m not driving you anywhere anymore” and let the SO figure it out.  He was adult enough to decide to drive drunk, he can be an adult and figure out his transportation. 

OP, I agree with PP that your SO is already on his way to becoming his father, but you don’t seem interested in leaving, so I’m going to recommend that you work on solid boundaries and enforce them strongly every single time, no matter how hard it is. 

Post # 51
Member
9359 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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missinthecity :  

I was thinking being gentler about it might  suit OP better as she  is clearly in love with bf and i don’t believe she can go from her complete enabling to  upfront cut off.

FWIW I don’t think  she is  reading any more and will not come back – it’s too hard in her present denial state. 

Post # 52
Hostess
4067 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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elderbee :  I think you’re right 🙁  My mom’s father was an abusive alcholic so I fear for anyone who is with someone who could potentially be like that.  Saying it was a bad marriage for my grandmother would be the understatement of the century; I know she wished she had been able to get out before it got worse.  

Post # 53
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

One, I think you’re incredibly insensitive towards his father. Two, I think your boyfriend is good to you because he needs you to drive him everywhere. Three, is he in AA and counseling because he wants to be or is it apart of a court order because he lost his license from drunk driving TWICE? 🤔

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