Post # 46
Aside from his father, I am very concerned about your boyfriends 2 DUI’s. For me, that would 100% be a deal breaker. My Aunt was killed by a drunk driver, and many in my family have never been the same. To drunk drive and be arrested not once, but twice, is selfish and unacceptable. I think you should rethink your relationship.
Post # 47
Didn’t read the entire post. I stopped when you said your Boyfriend or Best Friend was convicted for a DUI, but he’s still drinking. And your proud of his progress. You wanna know what your boyfriend is going to look like in 30 years? The answer is exactly like his “low class” father. The father is irresponsible and so is your Boyfriend or Best Friend. You’re not either of their mothers, and it’s not your job to schlep them around. Make them call a bus or Uber. There are consequences to bad actions. ‘
And if it were me, I would walk away from both of them.
Post # 48
Unfortunately it sounds like you are enabling your alcoholic partner, much the same way you and he are enabling the father.
It also makes sense that you don’t want to hear comments about your partner…denial is a large part of addiction and enablement.
Please do some research on alcoholism and seriously consider the role you are playing and whether you want this for the rest of your life.
Post # 49
I think the situation is complex and very hard on you. And only you know how serious yr bf is about giving up alcohol , which you know he has to completely don’t you ? Otherwise, you look at his dad and there is your bf, in however many years time ……….
Leaving aside for now the difficult road ahead re the alchoholism, what I would suggest for the present is the simple ( NOT easy, but is simple) strategy of not enabling the meetings by your driving them to see each other .
No need to dramatically announce you’ll never do it again , just don’t be be available , 2 times out of three. Have something you have to do , even if you have to make something up . Obviously it has to be believable and if possible true! You have to see a friend/you’re starting a book club/going to a movie with Sarah . Go alone if necessary, just break the cycle of saying yes to every expected lift.
You could maybe preempt this by saying some variation on “I am doing x on Saturday ,so I won’t be able to take you to see your dad. I’ve looked up the buses though and there is one every hour, so…” If he says ‘oh all right, Sunday then,’ you say , ‘no I’m seeing mum then’ or whatever . Even saying you can take him there but can’t be availble to stay and bring him back might be a start.
I imagine your own activities and friendships have already suffered from all this ferrying about and sitting about in boredom -or worse -at his dad’s place, so stopping enabling would be good plus getting some of yoru own life back too.
Post # 50
I wouldn’t even make excuses, I would flat-out say “I’m not driving you anywhere anymore” and let the SO figure it out. He was adult enough to decide to drive drunk, he can be an adult and figure out his transportation.
OP, I agree with PP that your SO is already on his way to becoming his father, but you don’t seem interested in leaving, so I’m going to recommend that you work on solid boundaries and enforce them strongly every single time, no matter how hard it is.
Post # 51
I was thinking being gentler about it might suit OP better as she is clearly in love with bf and i don’t believe she can go from her complete enabling to upfront cut off.
FWIW I don’t think she is reading any more and will not come back – it’s too hard in her present denial state.
Post # 52
I think you’re right 🙁 My mom’s father was an abusive alcholic so I fear for anyone who is with someone who could potentially be like that. Saying it was a bad marriage for my grandmother would be the understatement of the century; I know she wished she had been able to get out before it got worse.
Post # 53
One, I think you’re incredibly insensitive towards his father. Two, I think your boyfriend is good to you because he needs you to drive him everywhere. Three, is he in AA and counseling because he wants to be or is it apart of a court order because he lost his license from drunk driving TWICE? 🤔