Post # 1
Ever since my SIL married my brother and became pregnant she has transformed into someone who barely even acknowledges my family–and my brother is completely oblivious to it. I cannot stand how she fails to return phone calls and does not respond to invitations. Only after trying a few times to contact her does she respond–she is especially this way towards my mother. We have been nothing but nice to her and she always pretends to be super sweet in front of my brother when she sees us–but other than that she acts like she is so above everyone and I truly believe it has to do with the pregnancy because she was not like this before the announcement.
For now I am not saying anything but I feel truly bad for my mom who is the one being snubbed the most. So I have just decided to also start snubbing SIL–not like I have anything to lose since my brother has never been too close to us since meeting SIL, only when he feels it’s convenient for him.
Any tips on how to handle this?
Post # 3
@temporary: I’ve been on both sides of this. My advice is to just let it ride. If you retaliate or try to have some “come-to-Jesus” meeting to explain yourself, it will ONLY result in drama that can last till death. In these situations, y’all view her as the one with the bad attitude and feel you’ve done nothing but nice and I’m sure on her end she’s telling your brother how y’all alienate or otherwise offend her and the poor guy is stuck in the middle.
Spoiler alert: he will always choose his wife. He probably thinks the entire thing is beyond stupid and pretends to be oblivious to stay out of it.
My point is, every family has this situation at least once. It is just part of marrying into a new group of people, and I’ve NEVER seen any retaliation or intervention do anything but inflame the situation. I’m not the kind of person that has the energy for heart-to-hearts and sit downs, though, so others may feel this warrants a family meeting whereas I would not. Like I said to start, if it were me I would just let it ride.
Post # 4
@badabing88: I understand what you are saying and I think it is probably best to let it be. But here is the thing that upsets me: I have noticed a pattern in which SIL acts like this for a while in order to “get” something–whether that is $ or gifts or just something that she feels she deserves. Once that happens, she is back to sweet. At the moment, SIL is hoping my mother babysits her baby once it’s born (like regulary babysits)–but my mom cannot retire and has no time to sit at home to take care of a baby and has made that clear. So I’ve noticed that SIL has gone back to the “snub” phase hoping that my mom gives in.
This infuriarates me because my mom is a super sweet woman who has gone above and beyond for her children to see SIL manipulating her in this way is disguesting.
No, I’m not imagining all of this–take my words, there is plenty of proof of SIL doing such things to get her way–only now it is more obvious because she is blatantly ignoring calls.
Post # 5
@temporary: She just became pregnant? Is it possible she’s having a tough time of early pregnancy? I remember those days and all I wanted to do was sleep; I couldn’t do a thing for a few months. Try to be understanding and patient and maybe she’ll come around. Or, you could gently and sweetly ask your brother how she’s doing. Pregnancy is a huge thing in life. Even bigger than a wedding, lol.
Post # 6
@Sunfire: No, she’s six months along and is having a good pregnancy–my brother regularly tells us that all is great. So nothing to do with it being difficult.
Post # 7
@temporary: act normal. pregnancy is hard for some people
Post # 8
@temporary: Well, hmmmm, six months should be far along enough to be past the really tired stage. But maybe she’s just really wrapped in the whole experience. I wouldn’t take it personally.
Don’t feel too bad, my own sister ignores me all the time! She has no excuse, though, other than she’s too lazy to return calls or texts. I get infuriated so I know how you feel. Especially when I hear from someone else in the family that she talked to them, but not to me! Ugh! But what can you do? I agree with everything badabing88 said, just let it ride for awhile.
Post # 9
@badabing88: TOTALY agree! Plus ANY form of negativity from your end will be used against you, trust me I have been there. So if she contacts you be nice but don’t make an effort.
I also agree that no matter what your bro will chose his wife, my SIL is an absolute psycho who has spent years making herself look like a fool and the brother STILL backs up his wife. So just let it be.
Post # 10
Here’s an exampe for you since I don’t agree the pregnancy is the reason for her snubbing my mom:
My mom called to invite her somewhere and left a message–during that time SIL was out to lunch with friends (so clearly not having pregnacny issues). Three days have passed and she has not responded to the call. The invitation is for something this coming weekend. Common courtesy means returning the call with a yes or no. But nothing. That pisses me off!
Post # 11
@temporary: I completely understand where the frustration is coming from, that is just rude at least be fake, call back and decline for whatever reason. Honestly though just don’t take it personally because things will likely get much much worse over the years and you are in the a world of drama and heartache if you let this little stuff (by little I mean bitchy and not psycho like my SIL lol) get to you like it is now.
Take this as lesson now and just learn to let her be so that when she pulls some real psycho shit it doesn’t turn family completely up side down.
Post # 12
@applebeee: Thanks for the tips–and I’m sorry that you have to deal with a psycho! I also agree that things will get worse, since this is only the beginning of her being a part of the family and her behavior has not improved.
One thing though that my mom is seriously considering is not going to her baby shower–my mom feels completely snubbed and doesn’t think she should have to subject herself to the shower if SIL is not polite enough to even return her calls. I kind of see where my mom is coming from–but I also worry what will happen if she and I don’t attend. What do you think?
Post # 13
My FI’s SIL is just like this, and has been since FI’s nephew was born. His brother allows it, and has become someone we don’t know anymore. They live out of state, so no one ever hears from them or sees them except her parents. She and nephew were here for FOUR MONTHS while her dad was recovering from surgery, and I can count on one hand the number of times we saw them, and phone contact even less. She also physically pushed my Future Mother-In-Law away from nephew, among other things. No one will say a word, and of course, I’m not “allowed” to, because I’m “not family” (this is the ONLY thing I’m “not family” for, too, nevermind that I’m a good DIL and see my Future Mother-In-Law all the time).
My response is to just ignore her. If she initiates, be civil, but don’t go out of your way.
Post # 14
@temporary: i have gone thru this alot with my SIL and other family members.
i just live my life and leave the DRAMA behind. if she calls i answer if she does not call me i dont call her if i really need something i text her instead of calling her and things have worked out she came around more caz she dident feel pressured to do so. life is too short why stress over her being snobby shell come around and if she dont why fight it. i would say let it be.
Post # 15
@badabing88: I don’t know. I think sometimes people are just a-holes.
Post # 16
Considering she seemed normal before the pregnancy, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt on this right now. Who knows what kind of stress they’re under (financial, health or otherwise). I know he said the pregnancy is going well, but she may not want everyone knowing that she’s lost her breakfast every day for the last 2 weeks, and she’s exhausted and cranky. I don’t think I’d want my in laws knowing all that.
The other thing to keep in mind is she may assume since you’re HIS family, that he’s responding to the invitations. I know that’s happened inadvertently with my fiance and his family – Future Mother-In-Law sent me a FB message asking if we’re coming up to visit that weekend, I discussed w/fiance and assumed he told her our answer. Nope! Totally flaked. I assumed since she’s HIS mom, he’d answer. He assumed that since she asked me, I’d answer. Luckily, Future Mother-In-Law is awesome and found it really funny.
Even if she IS a total crazy b!tch, giving her more ammo of ‘it’s us against the world’ won’t help. Smile, invite her like normal and put up with her – if only for your brother and your future neice/nephew.