(Closed) Can/should the "waiting" situation be prevented?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: If you are/were a Waiting Bee, do you think you could or should have refused to move in together?
    My waiting situation was never anxious/sad/scary : (65 votes)
    51 %
    Waiting made me unhappy, but I'm glad I moved in with him while dating : (44 votes)
    35 %
    Waiting made me unhappy, and I wish I'd waited for the ring before cohabitating/moving/sex/something : (15 votes)
    12 %
    Waiting made me unhappy, but I think if I'd issued a "pre-ultimatum" we might have broken up : (3 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    1068 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I don’t understand “waiting.” I’ve been in long-term relationships with men I lived with, and I didn’t want them to propose. I lived with Fiance for a year and a half before he proposed. I thought about it, but I was never sad about it.

    I’m not trying to sound insensitive here. I guess I just don’t understand why women would be in relationships that make them unhappy, or be afraid to say (or do) something about it if they are unhappy.

    But more to the point: A good friend of mine is currently “waiting” and she does not live with her boyfriend. I don’t think living together or not living together makes it any harder/easier. She’s just as miserable as girls who live with their FI’s. If anything, I think she’s more frustrated. 

    Post # 4
    1583 posts
    Bumble bee

    @PromiseRooster:  I told my SO within the first three dates I will never live with a man who I am not married to (or we have a date set and location paid for). I also told him I will only date for around a year because if he doesn’t know Im the one by now I dont see how more time will change that.

    I suppose thoes are the types of pre-ultimatums youre talking about?

    That being said were coming up on a year and I am stressed. He has forbidden me from proposing so if he doesn’t by the end of Feb I will have to make some changes. So well see if my upfrontness helps my situation at all!

    Post # 5
    11233 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would never get engaged to someone I hadn’t lived (or had sex) with first. The way I see it is that breaking a lease is a lot easier than breaking a marriage. I moved in with Fiance before we were engaged, but around the time we started seriously talking about getting engaged/married and looking at rings. We’d been living together for just over a year when he proposed (and been together for just over three). I didn’t give an ultimatum, or really like the idea of one–our wedding talk came organically as the next step in a relationship that made both of us happy and equal. I feel like an ultimatum of “Propose or I leave” is kind of shitty–why would you threaten to leave someone you love? I don’t feel like that’s a healthy situation at all.

    Post # 6
    358 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t understand it either, when we decide to get married it will be a mutual decision when we feel it is right for both of us, not one person waiting for the other to purpose. At this point we have been together for three years and live together but have agreed to not start thinking about getting engaged until five years just to take our time and make positively sure it’s right. Despite this I never feel like I’m “waiting,” I’m actively growing in my relationship and enjoying my time with my awesome boyfriend and wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Post # 9
    6123 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @PromiseRooster:  I had some new rules for myself after my first marriage ended (the ending of it was a GOOD thing in my book, do not feel sorry for me!). 

    Background:  I took a gamble, knowing deep down it probably wasn’t the right thing to do long term.

    Second time around and 10 years later, I didn’t want to live with anyone as a result of situational circumstances (out of convenience/cheaper expenses/help with chores/stuff like that).  That was my first rule.  I also did not want to live with anyone until I was engaged and dated around 3 years first.  That was my second and third rule.  I had some others too.  After all, I had my own house to sell and if I were to sell it I wanted it to be the real deal!

    So whatever rules I set up for myself did work in my favor this time around!  I also read TONS of books on marriage and dating which just helped educate me in picking a better choice of partner.

    My H wanted to live with me and I him, and he also understood my preference to be engaged before living together agreed it was a good idea.  We agreed and came up with a timeline that would start within a year.  I would finish grad classes, we get engaged in the spring, I would move in, get married the following summer.  And it actually all happened like that!  So I guess our waiting was a planned/mutual waiting. 

    Post # 10
    4046 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think the best way to prevent the agony of the waiting game is to give up the notion of the fancy proposal and being surprised by your SO. Just have a conversation where you mutually decide to get married. You can always go ring shopping, or not, afterward.

    I think many of the barriers to getting engaged earlier run along the lines of insecurity, lack of communication, lack of discussion, having to ask the dad’s blessing/permission, feeling like you need an expensive or fancy ring, desire to do something fancy for a proposal without having the planning skills to back it up. And feeling that once you are engaged, you have to spend crazy amount of time/money to get married, plan a wedding, then immediately give up anything fun to be homeowners, parents, etc.

    Post # 11
    1063 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’ve never been a big fan of withholding intimacy/cohabitation, since I want those things at least as much as my partner.  

    For us, we were never really “waiting” on a decision to get engaged, just the proposal.  We were definitely always on the same page about getting married from pretty early on, and we had some pretty matter-of-fact discussions about logistics/future planning. The official proposal was a surprise that he planned, but it was more of a formality and the beginning of the wedding planning process than an actual shift in our relationship.

    Ultimately, I think that setting ultimatums just reinforces the idea that ladies want rings and marriage, and men want to be wild and free with motorcycles.  That might be the case with some couples, but I think/hope that desire for commitment is generally matched between two people who are planning to spend the rest of their lives together, and my commitment-ready Fiance would have found it to be pretty condescending if I acted like he needed to be incentivized to get married.

    Post # 12
    295 posts
    Helper bee

    I voted Waiting made me unhappy, but I’m glad I moved in with him while dating but have the feeling that he’s fine with the situation as it is now and it might take longer before he makes the next move, the proposal.

    On the other hand, we were both ready to live together and had a great time the past year. I only want to have a proposal for romantic reasons and do not even care about a ring that much. 

    Post # 14
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    My husband and I began dating with the idea in mind that we were both looking for someone to spend our lives with. That’s how it’s done in my culture and neither myself nor my friends were ever considered “waiting” becaues of this. While this idea works out well for those in my culture and in my circle, it’s obviously not feasible for everyone, since people come from all walks of life, etc.

    I think that honest and open communication up front about what you are looking for in a relationship in the beginning, and as the relationshp progresses and what you’re looking for potentially changes, is what is super important. If a couple begins a relationship in a mindset of “just wanting to be casul and have fun” but then the relationship deepens and one partner begins looking toward the future, that has to be communicated to the other partner so that both people are on the same page and it can avoid a lot of heartbreak in the future. If one partner in a relationship has different life goals and a timeline that doesn’t coincide with the other partner, it is often hard to make the two connect. Communicate honestly and openly now – at every step of the way – and I think both men and women could be saved some anguish. 

    P.S. I’m not insinuating that any Waiting Bee out there doesn’t communicate openly and honestly. I was speaking of a hypothetical situation(s) – not about any one group (or person) of women on WeddingBee. 

    Post # 15
    424 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @PromiseRooster:  I think the only way the “waiting” situation could be avoided would be to change society’s expectations of women with regards to marriage. At a certain age, you just start to feel badly about yourself if you’re not married.

    Also, changing the expectations for the roles men and women should play in a proposal. When you think about it, society requires women to be very passive in terms of marriage.  We wait, or we don’t, we’re asked, we’re surprised, we say yes.  It’s all in the man’s hand, unless a woman is brave enough to flout tradition and bring it up herself or even propose herself. I think it’s very easy for a woman to feel like she has no control over the situation because ideally, in a socially acceptable proposal, she really only has control over saying yes or no, not the when and where of it.

    Post # 16
    482 posts
    Helper bee

    welp i had all these talks with my SO, he knows i will not live with him, have kids him with unless theres a ring on my finger. i was very honest with him about the way i feel on the marriage front and we are on year 5 now. he didnt want me proposing to him which has left me in limbo, hence why im here on the waiting board. 

    yes talks, and rules are very helpful. communication is key, but it doesnt necessarily mean a proposal is right around the corner after. atleast in my situation that wasnt the case.

    now the only thing that keeps me sane here is my deadline date, I voted the 3rd option.

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