- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
So my thoughts on this are not at all revolutionary, but it’s something I wonder more and more about as I see so many Waiting Bees dealing with such anguish, and having gone through a little of that myself.
Note: I do NOT think there is only one right way to do things and I’m not judging anyone’s choices. I’m just curious whether anyone else questions whether there might be a way to avoid some heartbreak.
This is not really a question for Bees who have a set timeline and/or a ring picked out and are just waiting for an “official” proposal, or basically for Bees who are generally satisfied with this situation.
I’m wondering about the Bees who are facing so much worry and anxiety about waiting, not feeling sure when the proposal is coming if it ever is, feeling unloved or rejected or uncertain, feeling scared that their SO doesn’t want to marry them or unsure why he’s dragging his feet…but really uncomfortable with the idea of an ultimatum.
Is there a way that we are putting ourselves in these situations, that we could maybe prevent or avoid through what is basically a pre-ultimatum?
There was a time when women didn’t really become intimate with men to whom they weren’t engaged or married, or didn’t move in with them, or definitely didn’t live together for years without a ring.
I absolutely see the benefits of doing things the modern way– you want to know who someone really is before you commit, test your compatibility, and also it can make more sense financially. Refusing to be intimate before a proposal is certainly not possible or desirable for everyone.
But I wonder whether, given the agony, uncertainty, and years-long timelines that many bees struggle with, being a little bit firmer right up front might be worth it. By saying “I don’t want to be intimate with anyone unless I know he loves me and it’s really going somewhere” (IF that’s how you feel) or just mentioned in early-dating “I think dating is the way to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and for me it would take [timeframe] to decide that…I wouldn’t wait longer” or at least “I am not willing to move in with a man and start a life together unless I am engaged.”
Or even: “We’ve been together for XYZ years and I love you, living with you, and being together more than anything…and I think we may have rushed into it and made a mistake by getting so serious without a clear picture of where things are going. I’m ready to move forward with building my life and I hope you want to do that together. I’m just not comfortable with the status quo and I’d like to get my own place if you feel like you need more time to think about things.” (If that’s financially an option).
Saying things like that might scare off some men, but isn’t that better than waiting years to find out that a proposal is never going to happen?
I don’t know, I’m a feminist and the fact that these ideas are so conservative/traditional gives me pause, but at the same time I believe in women taking charge of their own destinies and having some control over the future of their relationships, and taking a firm stand before it even becomes an issue may be one way of doing that.
What do you guys think, is that completely outdated/unrealistic?