(Closed) Can't afford plus ones. How and where to word that?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

He shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions. If he tries to RSVP for two people (which he shouldn’t unless there’s a “and guest” or “+1” on the invite), you’ll have to politely tell him that you’re having a small wedding, can’t afford it, can’t fit that many people, etc (choose your response). 

Post # 4
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you really need to worry about this until you send out invites & start to get responses back with more than one person listed. But depending on how close you are to this guy, you can message him & be like…saw you fb status…just want to let you know that it’s important to us to have all the most important people in our lives at the wedding. but unfortauntely, we are only providing dates to people who are already married/engaged/in established relationships whatever due to budget constraints.

i totally sympathize with you–im sure a few of our friends would have liked to bring a date. but i also didnt want a wedding where everyone felt they HAD to bring a date, nor do i want my kids asking me who someone in our wedding photos and my response being “not sure, someone rob brought as their date”

i wouldnt worry about putting anything on your website. it will seem rude. inviting who you want to your wedding is not rude at all. but assuming that your guests will make the faux-pas of assuming they do get a plus one IS rude.

just wait & see. you can handle each issue as they come up.

Post # 5
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t think not allowing + 1’s is rude- in fact, it is rude of your guests to assume they can bring one if not stated on the invitation.  You are having a small, intimate wedding and have economic constraints- you want to know everyone you’re inviting to your wedding very well.

I would NOT put it on the invitation, but put something along the lines of: “We have reserved ONE seat in your honor.”, or _ of 1 attending.  I’m not sure if I would put anything on the website.  Also, for your friend who said something on facebook, I would PM them and say (nicely), what your wishes are and that you cannot allow +1’s.  Good luck!  People can sure feel entitled sometimes.

Post # 6
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

You’re not obligated to give +1s unless the couple is married/living together/in a serious relationship. (that last one is debateable, but c’mon.) There’s really no polite way to state who is -not- invited. Just word your invitations as you did your Save-The-Date Cards, to only the person invited. Most people will know what that means. If you get any responses with a guest, you’ll have to call (or have Fiance call if they’re closer to him) and gently explain that you’re not able to accomodate their guest at this time, but you will let them know if anything changes. You can also try the “_ of _ will attend” line on our RSVPs (you write in the # invited in the 2nd blank) but that’s also not terribly polite and really shouldn’t be needed.

I also would not address it with your friend until you get a response that says he’s bringing a guest. It’s likely to start more drama than is needed, and if you’re lucky someone will clue him in to how etiquette works before the wedding.

Bonus tip: don’t give a reason for why you’re not inviting so-and-so or giving X a date. “Unfortunately, we’re not able to at this time” with a regretful smile (and stick to it) is all you need. Otherwise you get people objecting, trying to make exceptions, telling you why it will be different for them than everyone else, offering to pay (!) for their date, etc etc etc. You’re not being rude, and you don’t need to justify it. An excuse just gives people a starting point to negotiate, and an invitation is not a negotiation.

Good luck! I think we’ll be in the same boat. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

As Pearberry said, it’s rude to assume a +1 unless one has been explicitly invited. I agree that it should be on the RSVP, & love her wording. I’d do what she says 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m so glad you posted this topic. I will be doing the same and wondering how to go about that as well. I’m not inviting certain family members and in that case, wouldn’t  want complete strangers at my wedding. Money is an issue too. I feel like I’m being rude, shelfish and not considerate but in the end we need to be happy, (the bride and the groom.)

Post # 9
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would do as @Pearberry:  suggested, also as your RSVPs come in anyone trying to include extras I would contact after you received their response card and let them know   that way that extras are not allowed. 

I think once your guests have so rudely tried to assert themselves extra guests and ignore your very clear invites and RSVP cards, ettiquette is out the window since they clearly won’t take the hint unless you are direct.

Post # 10
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

All you can do is follow up with anyone who includes an extra guest on their reply.  It is not polite to ever mention who is not invited.

Though if this is a very close friend (which I assume this person must be to make a 25 person cut), I think you could say something to him politely, and privately.  Etiquette is somewhat more relaxed with close personal friendships.

Post # 11
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I wouldn’t worry about it until closer to the date. If he RSVPs for two, you can inform him that “We’re so sorry-we have space and budget limitations and can’t accommodate guests’ dates.” Then mention how much you look forward to seeing him at the wedding.

We did “__ seat(s) are reserved in your honor” and no one tried to add extras. 

Post # 12
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We are not allowing people to bring guest so we customized the RSVP along with addressing the invitation to only those who were invited. The RSVP only listed the names of those who were invited. Some people also write on their RSVP “one seat has been reserved in your honor.” We didn’t have anyone RSVP with an uninvited guest. Maybe you could also slip into the coversation that you are having a very small wedding and hopefully when you say that only 30 people will be there he will get the hint. Good Luck!

Post # 13
Member
10453 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

When your send out actual invites, put something like “we have reserved 1 seat for you”. 

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